Hausu (House)

A bewitching good time!

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Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Lindsay

This is one of my favorite movies because

It’s so bonkers in the way that only a 1970s Japanese horror movie could be. 

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

I’m not. No one has seen this movie. 

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. The ridiculous (and sometimes offensive)  character names
2. Pretty sure there’s some weird watermelon-based body horror
3. I recall there also being uncomfortable visual metaphors for menstruation

 

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

I know it is Japanese because of the title and because Lindsay told me it is a Japanese horror movie. So I am feeling like there is going to be some sort of Godzilla-esque monster named Hausu. Hausu is misunderstood by all except for Miko, a girl with a backpack. She knows how to quell the monster with SCIENCE (and a little bit of telekinesis). As the monster grows ever stronger, Miko has QUITE the ticking clock before the world ends, or worse, her boyfriend leaves.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“I’ll know how to defeat Hausu if I can crack this ancient code!” “Wait! That’s what Hausu wants us to think. We should do the opposite instead.” “Which means… Hausu has been  here before!” There’s also a scene with A LOT of flashing lights when Hausu is walking just above the secret cave where Miko is running all of the experiments and the ground is shaking and everything seems terrible until Miko cracks the code.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I wouldn’t know how to find it if I tried.


Darch types in gray over here.

Lindsay types in maroon over here.

Alright so excited for this weirdness.

Really hoping to find out that Monster House is just an homage to this movie.

—WE MEET THE TWO MAIN CHARACTERS, BEST BEST FRIENDS—

Characters named thus far: Gorgeous and Fantasy. These are teenage girls. Also a lot of weird fade-edits.

Good to see that gym teachers around the world universally only wear track suits and carry basketballs.

—GORGEOUS DOESN’T GET HER DREAM VACATION BECAUSE HER DAD BRINGS HOME A POTENTIAL NEW WIFE—

hausu-bff

Shots fired at Ennio Morricone early in the movie.

“Hey meet your new ghost mom, honey.”

Her REAL mom has the same scarf that ghost mom has. A SYMBOL???

—WE MEET THE GANG

Melody is the girl who plays music. Kung Fu is the sporty one. Prof is the brainy one with Harry Potter glasses. Mac is the fat one who’s always eating because MacDonalds GET IT. Sweet is…nice?

Fantasy is the one that makes movies. And Gorgeous is… only valuable because of her looks?

—THE GANG GOES TO GORGEOUS’ ESTRANGED AUNT’S HOUSE THAT THEY DEFINITELY TRUST—

Ordering their deaths now. 1 Fatso, 2 brains, 3 music 4 Sweet 5 Kung Fu 6 and 7 Fantasy and Gorgeous at THE SAME DAMN TIME.

Darch is right now predicting the fluffy white cat murders everyone. I am not saying how close she is.

Step-mom is planning to crash the party at Auntie’s house: “It’ll be my first trial in becoming her mother.” How about, I dunno, talk to her about her period or something instead of being a buzzkill?

If this white scarf is not a symbol for something, I’m retiring this blog.

—FOR NO REAL REASON WHATSOEVER, THEIR (HOT?) TEACHER IS GOING TO THEIR AUNT’S HOUSE AS WELL—

Amazing bucket scene. Johnny Depp in Benny and Joon would be jealous.

Their teacher has to go to the hospital because he has a bucket stuck on his butt. 1970s Japan’s healthcare system was out of control.

“Only a witch cat can close a door.” Gonna have to start spreading that around.

—WE HEAR THE STORY OF THE CURSE—

hausu-video

I legit like the storytelling device of playing a flashback and having the characters react as if they can actually see it.

So far the weirdest part of the movie is not that the cat has an everlasting life and never ages. It’s the backgrounds on the train.

Or maybe the girls ‘witnessing’ footage of an atom bomb explosion and cheerily crying, “It looks like a cotton candy!”

Prof says ghosts don’t exist, she’s asking for a murderin’.

—THEY GET CLOSE TO THE AUNT’S HOUSE AND MEET A MYSTERIOUS BEING—

Hmmm we’ll just stop at this random fruit stand and pick up a watermelon and a curse.

That man has a face that inspires toads.

So great and weird that Murder Auntie is waiting in her wheelchair as the door opens, with her tiny sunglasses like some kind of FDR ghost.

Okay for sure Auntie is going to eat their souls so she can live forever until her hubby comes back.

—THEY GET INSIDE THE HOUSE AND IT WASTES NO TIME TRYING TO KILL THEM—

KUNG FU ALWAYS READY TO KARATE CHOP A ROGUE CHANDELIER

OMG She is going to steal all of their talents too.

This is a straight-up Fantasia house.

“Maybe the cat came out of the picture.” THESE GIRLS are better detectives than the Pretty LIttle Liars.

—MAC DIES FIRST, AS PREDICTED—

I FORGOT MAC’S SEVERED HEAD GOES FOR THAT BOOTY

hausu booty.gif

OMG I’m pretty good at calling stuff but I was wayyyyy off on this one.

OH WOW AUNTIE IS SUDDENLY HUNGRY?????? You mean like MAC’S TALENT???

I hate to be stereotypical, but it is very Japanese that these seven high school girls assigned someone as a ‘leader’ while on summer vacation.

—AUNTIE TALKS THEM OUT OF WORRYING, EVERYONE THINKS FANTASY MADE UP THE  WHOLEMAC-IS-DEAD THING—

Kung Fu definitely the hero. Can’t talk me out of it.

KF is absolutely my favorite.

Everyone keeps blaming “illussions” like David Blaine is even alive yet.

Okay I need to call out that KF got attacked by haunted logs that ripped her skirt off, she punched the shit outta them, and then surveyed the carnage and said “This is ridiculous.”

—THE GIRLS FOOLISHLY SPREAD OUT ALONE IN THE SCARY HOUSE—

THIS MOVIE INVENTED CAT ON A PIANO YOUTUBE VIDEOS.

Gorgeous just walking through a ghost house at night, brushing her hair and wearing all white.

Uh oh Gorgeous, Ghost Aunt is going to be pissed if you mess up her devil worshipping shrine to dead hubby.

One of my favorite parts that I forgot about is the weird Australopithecus skeleton that dances with everyone.

Okay legit Fantasy is the most tragic character in this movie. She just can’t do anything to help it.

She is the one that keeps finding the bodies.

—SWEET IS MURDERED BY BEDDING THAT SHE WAS OBSESSED WITH AND THE GIRLS ARE LIKE, MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE—

Wow Gorgeous, you’re acting strange. We have this incredibly important call to make… why don’t you do it?

So just to be clear on one of the plot lines, Mr. Togo, who is marrying the gym teacher for non-love related reasons is unable to take the girls on a trip and instead is coming to a random student’s aunt’s house to… hang?

Prof’s cold, unfeeling logic in the face of HER FRIEND’S SEVERED HAND IN A JAR is really inspiring.

OMG STOP LEAVING PEOPLE ALONE WITH FANTASY.

Melody getting eaten by this piano while laughing the whole time is a particularly gruesome part that I also forgot.

hausu piano.gif

Okay, new take on an old movie. Fantasy is actually a psychopath and having blackouts where she murders all of her friends.

Really thought Brains would have died, but I guess her brains saved her. I was spot on about Kung Fu and Fantasy lasting long though.

—WE MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT CARING ABOUT A MAN, BUT NOW WE ARE EXPECTING HIM TO SAVE US—

Mr. Togo has time to stop for ramen but not to save the girls from damnation.

This movie also posits that the only thing more permanent than death is the need to get a ring on it.

Also Mr. Togo wins the Oscar for most incompetent man in a girl power movie.

—THEY READ AUNTIE’S DIARY/GRIMOIRE AND FIND OUT THAT THEY NEED TO KILL NOT THE CAT BUT THE IMAGE OF THE CAT—

The sound of a baby crying while blood sprays from a cat’s mouth in a painting is a preeeeeetty heavy symbol.

hausu cat blood.gif

—MR. TOGO IS NOT HAVING MUCH LUCK GETTING INFORMATION FROM FROG MAN—

Full-frontal nudity from Prof, the dark horse in that race.

Brains was killed by her glasses, and her inability to swim in blood. Guess you can’t learn that in a book.

The demise of this evil witch was kicking a cat picture. Also now there’s like a young boy from JUMANJI on a door near the stairs situation happening, but with crocodile and more VERY THIN blood.

Oh, Fantasy, you’re so cute. You see your friend dressed in a wedding gown come down the stairs as the house fills with blood, you think she’s still okaaaaay.

—EVERYONE IS DEAD EXCEPT GORGEOUS WHO IS NOW EMBODIED BY HER AUNT AND HER STEPMONSTER APPROACHES THE HOUSE—

This movie is POINTEDLY a pro-marriage campaign.

I really distinctly remember suspecting Step-mom when I first watched this, anticipating a whole “this scarf keeps my head on” thing. It’s too prominent a motif for her to be underutilized.

Step Monster’s folly was… wind?

hausu wind.gif

So I’m still not sure if this movie comes down as pro- or anti-ghost. Cuz Murder Auntie’s voiceover at the end is like, “But love is important and we must keep telling stories of love.”

—THE MOVIE ENDS AND LINDSAY AND I SPEND ABOUT 30 MINUTES READING THE SAME WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE AND TELLING EACH OTHER THINGS FROM IT—

Real line from the Wikipedia article: “[Director] Obayashi recalled that his producer told him that [production company] Toho was tired of losing money on comprehensible films and were ready to let Obayashi direct the House script, which they felt was incomprehensible.”

Overall Rating: A

Comments: WOW this movie is fantastic. It is weird and confusing at times and there are honestly moments where you have to say “Well, that was ridiculous” and move on. But this movie was visually complex, stunning and interesting. It was intentionally cheesy at moments and intentionally crazy, weird and outlandish at others. It is something that I will honestly never forget. So many moments are 100% unique to this movie. It truly was ahead of its time.

Hunt for the Wilderpeople

A burger ring good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Charles Harris

This is one of my favorite movies because:

It’s funny as hell but also makes me cry. Stylistically, it’s a blend of my two favorite filmmakers (Wes Anderson and Edgar Wright) but manages to feel fresh and unique. It’s a nice peek into a culture that’s relatively unseen by American audiences. And, lastly, I identify with depressed kids so I’m all about those types of characters.

I’m shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

It’s so goddamn good. The entire world needs this movie in its life.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. The Ricky Baker song
2. Sam Neill jumping to slaughter a boar
3. The Sarah Connor bit

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

A secret group of people at Harvard. The new nerds hear about this secret club through a series of clues left for them after their chess club meetings. But will they be disappointed in a club that doesn’t live up to their expectations? Will they finally be accepted?

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“Where are the Wilderpeople? WHO are the Wilderpeople?” “That can’t be what the clue means, it’s too simple.”

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I’ve never heard of it. ALSO IT’S NEW. Give me a break, people.


Darch types in gray over here.

Charles types in maroon over here.

Charles is making me watch with closed captions. ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS.

This is directed by my boi Taika Waititi. He’s making the next Thor film. He’s dope.

—WE MEET THE ORPHAN—

Kid’s in the Illuminati. Get out your decoder rings.

200

Auntie Bella is not taking any of Paula Hall’s shit

“This kid is a reallll bad egg. You know, kicking stuff, spitting. The list goes on.”

I really identify with Sam Neill‘s grumpiness.

“Sorry about Hec, he’s a silly old goat.” New catch phrase.

—RICKY BAKER TRIES TO RUN AWAY, NO ONE MUCH MINDS, HE COMES BACK—

One time in Iceland I snuck out of a farmhouse in the middle of the night and almost got trampled by a ram. This dude is lucky.

I also really identify with Ricky’s interest in pancakes

Ricky is a Haiku master. He is not very good at naming them though.

OH you don’t want to pluck this dead squirrel’s skin? Okay let’s go play guns. BEST FOSTER PARENTS.

—RICKY AND AUNTIE BELLA START TO BOND OVER… SOMETHING—

Auntie Bella just slaughtered a pig and looks like Carrie now

If Hector doesn’t like this song, he doesn’t like anything.

—AUNTIE BELLA DIES. THAT QUICKLY—

OH man. Hector has to take care of this kid and he doesn’t even know how to smile himself.

Ricky just made Hec dinner. It’s burnt toast. I’m crying inside.

WE’RE ONLY ON CHAPTER TWO?????

This letter just said “Sorry sir that you lost someone important, we’d like to also take away the only other person you know.”

—RICKY AND HECTOR GET IN A FIGHT, RICKY DECIDES TO RUN OFF INTO THE BUSH—

This kid is like, me, Bella and old waterbottly are going to the sky place.

RIP Ricky Baker. It’s a fake Ricky though. Ricky Faker. I’m sorry for typing that.

giphy

(I’d like everyone to know I could have deleted the above comment and did not.)

I’m glad to see Ricky really prepared for this trip.

Hec just found Ricky. But more importantly, Zag found Tupac.

—HEC GETS HURT. THEY ARE STUCK IN THE BUSH FOR SIX WEEKS—

The only thing Ricky has at his disposal in the Bush is haikus

AND DANCE

2001

 —HEC CAN WALK NOW. THEY GO TO A HUT AND FIND OUT THEY ARE WANTED—

“Most people die naked. But the trick is, don’t take off your clothes.” I’m ready for the jungle now.

Charles told me this is real, but it’s really cool that there are just houses for people in the bush to chill out.

But also, probably a lot of murders happen there.

Of all the times Hec has told Ricky to shut up, he neglected to do it when Ricky accidentally made it sound like he was being molested.

Dude’s got one bum leg and can take on three grown ass adults.

“GUN FIRES, MEN WHIMPER” is my favorite subtitle so far.

Hec has finally accepted Ricky as a travel companion. Now. it’s basically Pixar’s UP but with fewer dogs.

hunt-for-the-wilderpeople-sam-neill-julian-dennison-03

—PAULA IS ON THE HUNT FOR RICKY WHICH MEANS… WE GET ANOTHER MONTAGE!!!—

One of my favorite things in movies/television shows is when people are doing tasks WAY OUT of the scope of their actual professions. This lady would just be waiting for the police to return with Ricky.

Darch is right about Paula. Homegirl’s been watching too many Law & Order re-runs.

Hec just threw a stick at a building to make sure the coast is clear. That is how I want to announce my entrance at parties from now on.

—RICKY HAS TO GO FIND HELP. HE MEETS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND SHE TAKES HIM TO HIS HOUSE TO CALL THE COPS—

“OMG It’s the missing kid, everyone is worried about his health. Can I have a selfie?”

2002

This girl’s dad is my favorite character in the movie. He loves sausage. He loves bros. He loves Maori representation. And I love him.

Ricky is basically a Hobbit. He loves bread, he follows an old dude around the forest, and he can’t properly dismount a horse.

—RICKY AND HEC ARE SEPARATED BUT STILL INDIVIDUALLY RUNNING FROM AN INSANE PAULA HALL—

Ricky is PRO at camouflaging.

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BIG TERMINATOR fight. Very adult.

—THEY MEET UP AGAIN! THE GANG IS ALL TOGETHER! THEN, ZAG DIES—

Wasn’t sure if I should warn Darch about Zag and the Boar.

HE SHOULD HAVE.

There is a website that I check before I watch every movie called doesthedogdie.com. This is not a bit.

—STILL ON THE RUN BUT THEY ARE CLOSING IN. BOTH THE COPS ARE CLOSING IN AND ALSO RICKY AND HEC ARE CLOSING IN ON BEING BEST FRIENDS—

Dude is spreading the lore about HIMSELF. “Yeah, I’m Psycho Sam, you’ve heard of me.”

Rhys Darby is in EVERYTHING made in New Zealand. He just shows up on set I think.

Hec complemented Ricky’s Haiku. If I hadn’t seen this three times this month, I’d be crying right now.

Rhys Darby just tried to “Clap off” a candle.

—THE COPS FIND THEM AT PSYCHO SAM’S HOUSE AND THE CAR CHASE BEGINS—

And now the movie looks a lot like GTA

WOW. The budget New Zealand has to send out like 8 tanks to bring in one kid that is a ward of the state. Incomprehensible. No wonder their math scores always beat us.

#SkuxLife

Also #TupacLives

—CAUGHT. THE TRIAL IS A MONTAGE OF COURSE. RICKY GOES HOME WITH THE SAUSAGE DAD—

The fact that Ricky got to keep Tupac is essentially all the resolution I need.

This is the most a film blog will ever mention Tupac

This old man chooses the skux life. Moral of the story.

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Overall Rating: A+
Comments: WOW. What a great movie. I watched it again two days later with my boyfriend. He loved it, too. It’s a movie for everyone. There are so many cute moments, TONS of quotable lines, (which are even more fun because they have accents!), it is both serious and heartfelt and hilarious. The characters are all well developed (even Sausage dad) and the dialogue is witty, warm and full of movie references. Also, now I know what Burger Rings are.

Return to Oz

A wheelin’ good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Annie Niehoff

This is one of my favorite movie because:

It’s a movie from childhood that has everything. Fantasy, adventure,  90s outfits, loveable talking moose heads! It’s a beautiful time when kids movies weren’t afraid to go dark.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

We grew up in the 90s. Right? How old is Darch?

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. The Wheelers!!!

2. Princess Mambi’s heads

3. Gnomes are allergic to chickens!!!!

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

The gang getting back together but it’s like after college and they’ve all moved on with their lives and only the lion doesn’t have a ton going for him so he’s like really pushing that they all get together. But seriously, they are all just really different people now and don’t have a ton to talk about and they’re trying, but it’s just not the same.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“Fuck Toto, we’re STILL not in Kansas.” “Get a fucking heart, Tinman.” “Are you fucking serious?” “Guuuuysss, remember, remember the old dayssss?” -The Lion.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I’ve barely seen the first one.


Darch types in gray over here.

Annie types in maroon over here.

—WE SET THE SCENE, BLANK AF KANSAS—

I forgot that the Wizard of Oz takes place in the neighborhood next to Little House on the Prairie.

“It’s been 6 months since the tornado.” Then how is Dorothy 10 years younger????

So that’s Fairuza Balk. She’s the trashy gal the Water Boy dates on Water Boy the movie.

Maybe this girl needs therapy because the only people she talks to are animals.

THEY HAVE TO PAY A MORTGAGE? To a bank that’s 500 miles away? Just build a secret house.

—THEY GO TO A CREEPY DOCTOR IN A MANSION THAT’S 20 YEARS MORE TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED THAN THE REST OF THE STATE AND THE “THERAPY” IS OF THE ELECTROSHOCK VARIETY—

It’s Tic Toc. This is foreshadowing right now.

Oh good. A brunette needs a good blonde in her life.

SO much foreshadowing right now. If only Darch knew…

So Dorothy is at this insane asylum because she can’t sleep and the bitch head nurse is like “You can take a nap if you’d like?” WOW.

These hospital dudes look like they are from A Clockwork Orange.

How do these hospital dudes go home to their wives? “How was work today hun?” “Pretty good. Only hated myself three times.”

Remember when you said she needed therapy for talking to animals? Well now shes getting electrocuted so she doesn’t do that anymore…”electroshock therapy”

Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared would have a field day with this effed up electroshock machine.

—BLONDE HELPS DOROTHY ESCAPE FROM THE ASYLUM—

Who did it better? Blonde and brunette on a door or Jack and Rose?

door-side-by-side

Wow. Even just being put NEAR the electroshock machine helped Dorothy sleep. IT REALLY WORKS.

—SHE WAKES UP IN A TINY DESERT OF OZ WITH A TALKING HEN—

LUNCH PAIL TREE BITCHES!

Man, I really wish we had these irl.

“Oh look it’s a lunch pail tree!”- Dorothy “What happened to breakfast?”- Hen “BITCH. I just carried your ass across the deadly desert. You do something.” -Dorothy

Bellina is so integral to this story.

I hope a major plot point is that every very creative and colorful character and creature is now just a rock in this lazy ass Oz.

—THE MAKE IT TO THE EMERALD CITY AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE—

I learned that “saxify” means to turn to stone. So that’s what happened to these people. Idk like I looked up that word in the dictionary or something after this movie.

Darch is about to find out what a Wheeler is and its going to change her life forever

—THEY MEET TIC TOC—

That mustache SCREAMS chicken eater.

No reaction from Darch on the Wheelers. My childhood is ruined.

EVERYTHING IN OZ TURNED TO STONE.”

Why do Wheelers have night club outfits on? Everything is gray… and they have pink hair and shiny outfits.

I love how much Tik Tok loves his pail.

—WE MEET PRINCESS MOMMY—

The best part is that only some of these heads have some of her memories.

New head totally doesn’t match that outfit.

I love that Princess Mommy was like “I’ll pick the evil head” and Dorothy was like “Oh, okay.”

Lol Princess Mommy.. It’s Mombi.

—WE MEET JACK SKELETON, I MEAN, JACK PUMPKIN HEAD, AND ANNIE AND I DISCUSS NAPS—

Soooooo Dorothy meets a creature made of sticks that is going to be her best friend for the rest of the movie? This is pretty much a remake of the first fever dream.

Cabinet 31? You mean like, the date of Halloween? I see you L. Frank Baum.

Right after she locks a person in a tower — wait she didn’t even lock it– Princess Mombi be like, NAP TIME!

Does Princess Mommy sleep with a head on?

Like you would think that head has all the time in the world to sleep. Be ready heads. When Mombi puts you on, you should be “on.”

Ahh she doesn’t sleep with a head on!! Trip her Dorothy!

Classic MAN. He gets to action and his brain turns off.

—THEY BUILD A GUMP AND USE IT THE WAY A GUMP SHOULD BE USED—

//giphy.com/embed/106I8HzlnqiVBS

via GIPHY

You know what, these palm tree branches are definitely strong enough to hold a chicken, a pumpkin head with a stick body, a little girl, a machine man, and MY COUCH BODY.

Say what you will about electroshock therapy but Dorothy is getting a lot of good sleep.

This pumpkin is falling at an unreasonable rate.

In Oz, you fall in slow motion.

I wonder how long its been. Is this place like Narnia and when you return its 7 centuries later?

—THEY MAKE IT TO THIS MYSTERY MOUNTAIN WHERE THE NOME KING LIVES—

I love how HUGE Oz is and still Dorothy knows what and where everything is.

The Nome King kind of has a good point. Like everyone in the emerald city, mined his stuff and took it.

L. Frank Baum being like “Don’t take my natural resources away.”

“Important allegories about the American economy.” – L. Frank Baum. I feel like if I understood this more, maybe Trump wouldn’t be president.

—THE NOME KING PROPOSES A WAY FOR THEM TO GET BIZZARO SCARECROW BACK—

I play this game in grocery stores with my family. “Touch the green object and say ‘Oz’”

Here’s a fun and super arbitrary game I just made up now…

Those look just like the helping hands in Labyrinth.

So if I’m correct in all of my thoughts. Dorothy just got shocked in the real world. And the idea of people becoming “ornaments” is like when they are catatonic. Or maybe I should just watch the movie and have fun.

I love this weird ass crossdressing mofo.

Darch makes a good point about the Nome King smoking rocks in his pipe.

He is Tim Curry of the Gnomes

—THE HEADED PRINCESS MOMMY COMES TO YELL AT THE NOME KING THAT SHE MESSED UP AND LET DOROTHY GALE ESCAPE—

“It’s more flowery this way” says the dude wearing a dress and ruby slippers UNSURPRISINGLY.

That’s a robe. But fair.

—DOROTHY SOLVES THE RIDDLE AND STARTS FREEING PEOPLE FROM BEING GREEN KNICK KNACKS, ROCK MONSTER DECIDES TO START EATING HIS FOES

Bellina shit an egg she was so scared.

This Rock monster is poisoned by the promise of new life?

Or the farming industry?? I’m missing the metaphor.

The Nome King’s occupation listed on Wikipedia is “expatriate wanderer.”

 

—THE EMERALD CITY IS REBUILT OVERNIGHT AND THE SCARECROW IS THE KING THE WHOLE GANG IS BACK TOGETHER!—

oz-ending

Everyone is simply BEGGING this 9 year old to marry a 30 year old scarecrow.

“I’ll send you back on one condition. You can ask for anything you’d like at any moment. That’s the condition.”

Why did they have to make the cowardly lion an animatronic??? He looked better as a human in a costume.

Bellina said, “fuck your world, I’m staying here.”

—DOROTHY COMES BACK TO THE FARM, ALL IS FORGIVEN ON BOTH ENDS—

I like the idea that Dorothy is 19 and bringing her soon to be husband home (it was a different time) and Dorothy is like “These are my relatives, they tried to instituionalize me and shock me until I was “better” because I had an active imagination.”

“It’s too nice of day to stay inside.” Aunt Em, it is literally nicer outside than it is in your bunk ass house.

Overall Rating: A
Comments: Wow. What a great movie. It made no sense at times. It was so bizarre I feel like I’ll have nightmares as an adult. Why did they say this movie was a sequel when it has a completely different tone and many of the last movie’s main characters are dramatically changed? I loved the weird creatures even though they were essentially the same as last time. Guy made of nature, guy made of metal, speaking animal, Wicked woman and her semihuman flunkies, “Wise” man that is fooled by a child. I’m going to show my kids this movie when I have some and let them have nightmares about imagination.

Serial Mom

A proper good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Justin Ulrich

This is one of my favorite movie because:

I used to watch corny horror movies all the time with my old roommate. She made me appreciate movies that are funny, not because they’re comedies, but funny because they exist and someone took the time to make them. Serial Mom is the epitome of that.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

It’s the only thing John Waters has made that not cringe-worthy or Hairspray.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. Schizophrenic prank call

2. Demonic-voice sex scene

3. SHE KILLS AN OLD LADY WITH A FUCKING COOKED LEG OF LAMB

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

I mean, a serial killer mom. This one is really obvious. But WHY? I think she’s been a working woman for too long. She loses her job one day and can’t go home to face the kids. She meets a wandering salesman who only shows her kindness and wealth. She is beyond. She must have his money, so she can provide for her family. It starts with just wandering salesman, but then it becomes all the people that ever looked down on her for not having enough money. She ends up killing literally all of the Joneses.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

The scene where she’s sitting on a motel bed and crying over the first traveler she murdered. Also a scene where she’s getting resourceful and feeding her kids like bone marrow o’s for their breakfast serial.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I’ve never heard of it and I’m not super into like, “mom” movies.

Darch types in gray over here.

Justin types in maroon over here.

Average wait time for a movie to start: One hour.

—JUSTIN AND I HAVE TOO MUCH FUN WITH THE OPENING CREDITS—

Who the fuck is Mink Stole?

Patty Hearst is NOT in this movie. She’s in a closet somewhere.

Ricky Lake… you definitely did not peak in high school

—JUST YOUR CLASSIC 1950’s FAMILY WHERE THE MOM IS A PSYCHO—

serial-momfamily

When is this movie set? The 50’s?

Oh, no the 90’s.

So Misty is young enough to still be into PeeWee Herman dolls, but old enough to go with “Carl” to Fuck Point without her mom batting an eyelash

—SOMEONE HAS BEEN PRANK CALLING A NEIGHBOR AND THEY SENT TWO DETECTIVES OUT TO INVESTIGATE INSTEAD OF JUST IGNORING IT. WHITE PEOPLE—

So glad to hear that the detectives know the mom is insane. It’s nice to see competent cops every so often in the movies.

“I don’t use bad language” said the lady who just answered the phone “Fuck you cocksucker”

So we’re to believe that this insane 50’s housewife is harrassing a woman because she stole a parking space one time?

—MRS. CRAZY GOES IN FOR PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES FOR SHAGGY—

Queue the racist asshole 90’s principle character

Okay, I’ve been a teacher before and you simply don’t talk to parents like this. It’s literally illegal to recommend therapy.

Oh god… this movie just reminded me that gum use to have two wrappers on it. Gross.

I would definitely say that station wagon is my weapon of choice.

serial-mom-final

—JUST IN TIME FOR DINNER AND THE NIGHTLY NEWS—

I’m glad they timestamp every scene. I wouldn’t have known that them eating meatloaf at the dinner table was around evening time.

It’s always the math teacher that gets murdered. It’s a dangerous job.

“Whoever did this should get the death penalty.” This was Sam Waterston’s first taste of Law & Order.

—THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE SCENE—

Is her bird book just a book of serial killers that she’s in love with?

Who hears their parents fucking and goes to investigate?

Matthew Lilard’s finest role is in She’s All That.

—SERIAL MOM IS JUST A NORMAL HOUSEWIFE THAT JOKES ABOUT MURDERING PEOPLE IN GRAPHIC TERMS. HAHAHA—

The thing that really gets a serial killer’s goose is people that don’t recycle.

Also how are people who drink on the job this so earth conscious.

—CARL, RICKY LAKE’S OBNOXIOUS FUCK BUDDY, DITCHES HER FOR ANOTHER CHICK AND GETS CAUGHT BY THE WRONG PSYCHOPATHIC MOMMA BEAR—

“$3? I guess that’s how I must have marked it…” Um that dude can just change the price of his goods at any moment. It’s a flea market.

I’ve never been to a Men’s bathroom before, but aren’t there usually like, other people?

90’s were the good ol’ days.

You could shit and not wash your hands.

Flea Market bathroom stalls had glory holes.

Take me back.

Why is a man who’s eating something walking into the Men’s bathroom?

—AND… ANOTHER BODY (CARL) IS DISCOVERED—

An overwhelming amount of clues in this movie. The opposite problem of Pretty LIttle Liars.

I love how perturbed she is about Scottie’s lack of wearing his fucking seatbelt

This lady reminds me a lot of my mom, except that she wears pants.

I would love to see the stage directions for this scene. “Yeah, eat the food but like, more ravage-y.”

During this part of the movie, mostly Lorne and Christen talked about keyboards. Hope nothing important happened.

—(WHAT WE MISSED) THE FAMILY IS ONTO SERIAL MOM. SERIAL MOM IS KILLING PEOPLE FASTER. EVERYONE KIND OF KNOWS, BUT NO ONE WANTS TO ADMIT IT. THEY GO TO CHURCH AND EVERYONE IS BACKING AWAY FROM HER LIKE SHE’S THE DEVIL INCARNATE—

Misty has no concern that her mom is going to jail, just that she’s not gonna get laid in high school.

What exactly caused her husband’s change in tune. Was the tape cassette from Ted Bundy not enough evidence for him?

—BEDLAM! PEOPLE ARE RUNNING, SCREAMING FROM SERIAL MOM—

So the horror nerds are helping the Serial Mom escape? And they seem very excited to steal Scotty’s car in the process. This is their day.

Misty is getting with the paparazzi, it kind of seems like everyone is better off.

Best part of the movie incoming.

Lamb sandwich with Mint Jelly looks amazing.

Cooking an entire lamb for lunch is criminal in its own right.

What fucking opulence, lady…

Classic pump fake-switching out the knife for the lamb shank.

—THIRSTY FOR ANOTHER KILL, SERIAL MOM CHASES AFTER SCOTTY—

Foreshadowing the seatbelt coming into play.

They’ve only been amping it up the entire movie.

Even in the face of danger Scotty can’t see that his biggest sin is not wearing a seatbelt.

These fucking rock punkers, punk rockers? Don’t give a fuck that Scotty is being murdered during their show. They arguably like it.

Is it even legal to arrest someone while their name is being chanted?

Every movie should end with a crowd chanting the title of the movie.

—SHE IS TAKEN TO TRIAL—

“My name is Timoty Naselrod.” That sucks dude.

I’m sure John Waters lost his shit when he came up with Timothy Nasslerod for a character name.

Okay. I’ve seen a lot of Law and Order and we ALL know opening statements happen before the prosecution can call a witness to the stand. Also, once they switched representation, Serial Mom should have been able to review all the evidence before just going through cross examination.

Dottie Hinkel. Best character in the movie.

tumblr_mj91nstbfe1s4efe9o1_500

“Do you recycle?” Really the turning point of the whole case. Rosemary is clearly a bitch killer.

Everyone is waving at Suzanne Somers like she is going to wave back. She isn’t.

—SERIAL MOM IS FREE! DESPITE THE EXISTENCE OF FACTS AND LOGIC—

Why would you try to argue with Serial Mom?

She punched you in the face with a phone, and you still argue with her?

“No, please! Fashion has changed!” Best fight for your life I’ve ever seen.

//giphy.com/embed/TKJUsAHbdNLj2 via GIPHY

Overall Rating: A
Comments: This movie was insane. There were so many moments where I was thinking, “This isn’t really. No one could possibly believe this is correct. Nothing could get crazier” and I was wrong on all counts. It was fun and so stupid and corny. It has to be a cult classic somewhere and I’d love to go see it in a movie theater and like throw lamb at the screen. Besides the fact that she murders people, Serial Mom was actually a pretty good mom, teaching Ricki Lake not to body shame herself and standing up for Matthew Lilard and his weird boyish girlfriend for loving horror movies even when their teachers say it’s bad for them. It’s just you know, we all have our bad days.

Die Hard 2

A sequel-that’s-not-as-good-as-the-first good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Evan Kuhn

This is one of my favorite movies because:

Die Hard is the greatest action film of all time.  Period full stop. Every action film for the next decade copied its playbook note for note. Die Hard II included, which was such a blatant retread of the first film that, in being a goofy hack-job, it actually does an even better job exemplifying all the stupid dumb fun tropes of action films.  And really, I love my country, and you can’t understand America without loving this film.  All this country needs to save the day is one middle-aged, alcoholic white guy with a shitty attitude, a pathological mistrust of authority, and an abiding belief that paranoid thoughts about foreigners and well-groomed men will blow the lid off a massive communist conspiracy threatening to bring this country down.  Classic!

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

I figured she, too, was a red-blooded American who loved watching explosion-porn glorifying heroes suspicious of accents.  And, films that take themselves super-seriously in spite of their utter ridiculousness.  Pure popcorn flick.  I thought Darch cared about the good things in life.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1.  Snowmobile shootout chase scene (complete with jumps and mid-air explosions!)

2.  The moment when it becomes totally clear to the audience Die Hard II is hackjob re-hash of the first, and John McClain asks himself non-ironically “Another basement, another elevator. How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?”

3.  The bad guy doing naked ninja morning yoga watching TV

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

Christmas. Everyone always says that. I think in the first one like Snape is trying to terrorist attack a fake reality Chrysler building during a party. So I’m guessing in this one, maybe it’s like Bruce Willis’ last week on the job and he’s about to retire, but then another city calls and is like “we’ve gotten these threatening messages, we need an expert.” And then Bruce Willis is classically like “I’m too old for this shit.” RIGHT???

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

I know in the first one a wrecking ball comes in through a window and Bruce says Yippie-ky-aye Motherfucker and everyone cheers and stuff (Thanks Bobby Moynihan). So, there will probably be a moment where he says it and fans of the first movie FREAK OUT. Also I’m predicting a chase scene, a fight scene and a scene where Bruce has to outsmart Snape2.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

It’s really still up for debate if I’ve seen the first one. Since I don’t think I have, I’ve never ventured to see the second one. Also it’s a thing people love so I guess in my high school anarchist youth I avoided it? Who knows. High schoolers, amirite?

Darch types in gray over here.

Evan types in red over here.

Evan and I have already shared a whole pizza. Bonding. Check.

—WE REMEET BRUCE, A CHARACTER WE LOVE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE—

Wow the mise en scene is tremendous.  How lifelike, like actual New York!  We’re real people too Hhahahahaha new Yorkers are meaaaan!

I feel like people aren’t born dicks, but as soon as they are towing someone’s car, they become one.

You know this is a Hollywood film because there are lots of extras.  You know this is the 90s because there’s an obsession with people watching media.  

A movie about airport security? So ahead of it’s time.

—WE MEET THE BAD GUY(S)—

Hello eastern looking white guy naked doing yoga.  Watching himself on TV getting a power boner.  He looks like  a Nazi.  Not the be trusted.  

AIRPHONES??????? The 90’s were a crazy time.

How 90s.  So hip.  So aware of media.  It’s everywhere.  Like, TV, man.  Bad guys, good guys, everybody.  It’s like WE are them, watching the media too!  We’re in the story…

—WE MEET MORE BAD GUYS IN A CHURCH—

Anytime anyone ever shows up to your house/church and is like “Routine maintenance” and they didn’t schedule an appointment, you’re dead.

I love that Bruce wanted to leave his car in the tow-away zone and he’s already been sitting in the airport for like an hour. 

This film plays into the fantasies of nerdy 4chan gamergate types, by propping up a hero whose paranoid thoughts about strangers lead to glory and getting back together with your wife.

—FIRST TIME BRUCE IS RIGHT AND NO ONE BELIEVES HIM—

“Is there a cop on duty around here?” “Uh, airport police.” WOW give them some credit.

Hmmm let’s see… a shoot out in a room with a bunch of conveyer belts… where is this going?

Ha!  John McClane, you’re so handy, taking objects from your surroundings to beat men into submission.  A true MacGyver

Okay that bad guy just shot the spray can out of Bruce’s hands and then can’t hit ANY PART of Bruce a second later?

What kind of airport is this? They have a suitcase flattening device in the baggage check area and they just have a stash of children’s bicycles? Not all of those bikes are going to the same place.

Oh MAN!  Incompetent bureoucracy!  Always getting in the way of the lone ranger.

—WE MEET (OR REMEET) AN ANNOYING CHAUVENIST—

I feel like that dude on the plane was in the last movie and when I saw him I was supposed to be like “Oh no, this guy again????”

What the the hell is this film trying to do showing all this “Media”?  Why the hell are there so many journalists?  Why is everyone watching TV?  What are they getting at here?

Why is this Aryan dude carrying around an empty gun? If I was a bad guy my clip would ALWAYS be full.

—NO COP BELIEVES A COP THEY KNOW IS FAMOUS—

“I know what I’m doing. We’re going to dust it, and take the pictures and…” Wow, don’t be too technical.

“What sets the metal detectors first, the lead in your ass or the shit in your brains?”  DAYUM John laying the law with them muddy metaphors!

“Yeah we got a new SOP for DOAs from the FAA.” Get ‘em Bruce. Really confuse them with basic acronyms that even I know.

—WE MEET  A NEW BAD GUY ON A PLANE, BECAUSE THERE ISN’T ENOUGH GOING ON YET—

No swears so far in this Spanish scene. Getting ready to show it in my class…

This film, if nothing else, gave us the eternal glory that is Family Matters.  RIP Carl

So… Bruce is essentially using this woman who is CURRENTLY AT HER JOB as his secretary.

I love rooting for heroes who get random smiles from women.

WHO IS IN CHARGE of this reporter? “Uhhhhh poodle face, go to the airport and just try to find a story.”

The 90s had such a boner for cynicsm.  It like, spoke to authenticity.  90s had such a boner for authenticity.  

Soo I may have missed something but one of the cops that thinks nothing bad is happening just went to this man in a control tower (where the important people DO NOT hang out) and then Bruce shows up and everything got realllll serious.

—^^^—

I love that Bruce PROVES that some guy that faked his own death was planting something in an airport and everyone is like, yo chillll homie.

Killer cuts to dudes spitting jargon on phones, cuts to systems going haywire.  Wow.  

I’d LOVE to read the stage directions for this part. “Workers, pick up phones and yell numbers into them.”

“I like films without female characters.” – Men

Okay Bruce has had enough time to discover a crime, kill a guy, go to the police department, come back to the airport, steal the dead guys fingerprints, send them to his man, run the prints through Interpol and bring the results to his captain. HOW WAS HE JUST GOING TO LEAVE HIS CAR IN THE TOW-AWAY ZONE?

—THE FIRST PLAN IS IN PLAY—

… Airport SWAT Team?  Baller.  

Bruce essentially just said “Oh boy oh gee, same plot again!

They do burnt-out veteran pretty bad in this film.  Like:  He’s a Vietnam archetype, but like was in Korea or WWII.  Soooo…

Sooooo Bruce sneaks through an elevator shaft into what is clearly someone’s office and he has the gall to ask “Who are you?” “Uhhhh the guy that works here?”

So far the only people competent at their jobs have been Bruce and his impromptu secretaries.

—THE BAD GUYS WERE WAITING AT THE END OF THE PLAN—

T-1000 had the second great kill line!

I LOVE how thrown off this SWAT team was when they turned off the moving walkway.

I’m so glad this film keeps up the trope of John exploring municipal infrastructure on hands and knees

I’m so glad this film keeps up the trope of bad guys dressing up like harmless tradesmen

“STAY DOWN” the only competent person yells at the guy that immediately gets up and runs away.

As a person dazzled only by explosions, thanks Bruce for explaining the plot of the movie.

—BACK TO THE INFLIGHT PLOT—

This reporter harassing John McClane’s wife is the platonic ideal of smug-liberal-media-elite-weasel and this actor’s got a bright career

Look at the cabin. There’s women! Children! Old people! The stakes are high!

WOAH  SLO MO FIREBALL PLANE THAT’s an amazing miniature!

—EVERYONE IS TRYING TO GET THE RADIOS BACK ON—

I love that everyone just keeps yelling at this black guy to “Figure it out!” when no one knows how complicated their request is.

 

Michael, you’re a sound guy for a radio station, can you hack into the control tower and briefly explain the innerworkings of an airport? Thank you.

—THEY BRING OUT THE BIG GUNS WITH SOME BIG PLANS—

DAAAMN I looove when higher branches of gov’t take over authority.  My fave.  Just like Die Hard the First when the FBI arrived to take over the scene.  

“Lights. Let’s get giant lights.” Sounds like a pitch meeting at SNL.

Bruce Willis HATES this new platoon and he’s already walking around calling everyone by name.

I’d love to make a flm comprosied of nothing but hallway shots of dudes walking and yelling.  This film’s already 62% that.

We only have this one method of communicating, and we don’t know for how long, so let me take the next fifteen minutes to give you every detail, I hope we don’t get cut—

—JOHN TAKES MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS. AGAIN. THE PLOT REALLY STARTS NOW. PROBABLY—

I love how John’s best friend remains a paranoid weirdo living in a HVAC room.  

I like the idea that they were like “We have this great church set up, the Aryan guy should make an ominous speech from here.” Then they couldn’t write the speech so they were like, just start the speech and we’ll have someone cut you off.

Wow.  Castro/Franco Nero murdered a dude.  Don’t know how that happened.  Doesn’t matter.  Bad hombre.

So we’re to believe that they are flying a SERIOUSLY dangerous criminal and they just put ONE guard in the back with him? I have seen Con Air and that shit don’t fly.

 

John is bribing the janitor to commit federal felonies by promising him a warmer coat.

—WE FOUND THE ONE CHANCE BECAUSE WEIRDO JANITOR HAS MAPS OF THE AIRPORT THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS—

Oh course Bruce has to run through that one hallway that every building has where steam just blows out of pipes at random intervals.

Damn.  If my dictator could land a cargo jet blind at midnight in a Christmas blizzard, I’d hella coronate the fucker.

—ARYAN DUDE IS PISSED HIS NOT WELL THOUGHT OUT PLAN IS GOING AWRY—

“It’s some cop. What’s going on?” “See, it’s the main character of the movie…”

These grenades have the LONGEST load time ever.  Like, I’m counting right now.  IT’s been already 15 seconds.  And nothing’s going on.  They keep throwing more in.  It’s fucking FOREVER.

Really putting all your eggs in one basket here. OR all your grenades in one cockpit rather.

OMG that ejector seat close-up spin composite shot of John’s cussing face an enduring childhood memory

—THE SITUATION ON BRUCE’S WIFE’S PLANE IS GETTING DIRE—

If Sully were flying this plane it would already be in the Hudson.

“Listen here Bruce, no one is taking any action except for you and we’re pissed at you for it!”

—FINALLY, THAT CHURCH THE AUDIENCE HAS KNOWN ABOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE COMES INTO PLAY—

I like how John immediately befriends anybody willing to ride his crazy-hunch train.  “Abandoned Church?  Miles away?  Gotta be the bad hombres!”

Classic-woman-can’t-wait-to-call-the-man-,-his-beeper-goes-off-and-now-the-bad-guys-know-where-he-is.

I love that the black guy was like, “Hey we found the bad guys over here.” and immediately the fat ass cop is like “Dammit, you weren’t supposed to leave.” How bout a fucking thank you?

OH yeaahhh now I remember why the media presecene.  This movie is so totally obsessed with truth/reality/appearances.  Like omg, truth is fabricated and we’re aware of it! 90s90s90s90s90s90s90s90s90s

—ABOUT TO GO INTO THE CHURCH—

All the bad guys just changed from orange clips to blue. IS that like changing from stun to kill?

I’m glad they’re wearing Black and White so we can tell who’s good and bad!

They came in cars, left in snowmobiles.  Now that’s a party.

Dude’s pulling wheelies.

Sorry to report, but Bruce is dead. Like really dead after this.

Melissa’s intuition was right.  BLANKS!

This is the only time “Grenada” was a reference for Active Veterans.  Like:  Gulf War I hadn’t happened, and Vietnam peaked 20 years ago.  

 

—AS A PLOT TWIST, NO ONE BELIEVES BRUCE—

This cop is really doubling down on Bruce can’t do anything right. I’m sorry, Bruce has not been wrong ONCE this whole movie, or in the last movie. Like maybe give him a fucking chance?

John is bad with words.  The only way he can convince people is by shooting them.

The time line in this movie makes no sense whatsoever. The fuel emergency blinking light was going off like three plot twists ago.

I love that, when we met this general, he was like “oh, the main bad guy? We worked together, we fought together, he’s my best friend and I’d die for him.” And everyone was like, “Not suspicious at all.”

I don’t know what’s to stop their plane from being shot down by, oh, I don’t know, ANY FUCKING PART OF THE MILITARY!

Listen, authority figures:  If you don’t want John McClane to do something, don’t tell him not to do it.

—BRUCE IS LIKE, I’LL JUST GET ONTO THE PLANE SOMEHOW—

So everyone on the flight is freaking out about how dangerous this is and Bruce is about to jump onto the plane. That’s going to freak everyone out.

No plane in this movie is travelling over 30mph.

So… Bruce is preventing the plane from taking off by… holding a wing flap open? I’d love to hear Bournoulli’s take on all of this.

“I’ve got enough friends!”  — John, murdering a dude.  This confirms my theory John hates people who fight for friendship and solidarity.  

Basically Bruce’s move is catching knives that are plummeting toward his chest.

I’ll never understand why bad guys choose one-by-one handheld combat when guns are obviously the choice.  I mean, I get it:  They’re like pervy for pain, and wanna show off their sweet naked yoga ninja skills.

Bruce dude, you’re fighting a dude that does this move every morning naked. You may lose this one.

Cigarette Lighter?  Glad John didn’t stop smoking after all.

They totally shot the two reaction shots of John watching exploding airplanes on the same day.  Same angle, same lighting, same number of deaths.  Doesn’t matter to John.  

—THE MOVIE SORT OF ENDS IN A FIERY CRASH AND THEN SOME SOOTY CELEBRATIONS—

NO ONE IN THIS MOVIE IS EVER BROUGHT TO JUSTICE.

The black traffic controller saving the day still didn’t get a promotion at year-end.

The things a paranoid loner’ll do to fuck a lady.

“They told us there were terrorists at the airport” “Yeah Baby, it’s Christmas.”

Oh wow!  The media learned a lesson!   They found standards of decency.

“HAHAHA I’ll never clean this up! What’s my job here?” Yelled the janitor from his airport golf cart.

Overall Rating: B-

Comments: I know I was warned that this was the worse of the first two movies but I was still a little shocked at the cheesiness of the movie. Evan mentioned that the movie was supposed to almost exactly copy the first movie (which is fine, bands do it with albums all of the time) but it was weird to me that they referenced the first movie so many times. ESPECIALLY since I’ve never seen the first movie (maybe, it’s hard to tell anything at this point). I liked the movie and I get why people loved the first one (I think) and how people could love how poorly this one mimics the first one, but I think I’ll just stick to classics from now on.

Half Nelson

A cracked-out good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Kevin McKernan

This is one of my favorite movie because:

When I first saw it in the theater, I immediately loved it for its side-stepping of teacher-movie cliches. I actually saw it twice in the theater…something I rarely do. Also, I’ve often felt like Dan myself…and not because I’m a teacher, but because I’ve felt trapped between adulthood and childhood, idealism and despair, self-destructive habits and finding healthier ways to express myself. Plus, I love the girl who plays Drey in it. Her performance is just so pure and her facial expressions in her quiet moments speak volumes. 


I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:


I’m not too shocked because it had a limited release in theaters, and even though Gosling got an Oscar nom for it, it still didn’t get the attention it deserved. BUT if I have to give an answer to this question then it’s: I AM SHOCKED YOU HAVENT SEEN THIS CUS RYAN GOSLING IS SO HOT AND THE NOTEBOOK! OMG THE NOTEBOOK!


The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:


1. The moment Drey walks into the hotel room toward the end. Killer. Should wreck you.

2. The first time Drey finds him in the bathroom at the gym after the b-ball game. I remember accidentally holding my breath during it.

3. “I don’t know. I don’t know! Fuck. Because I’m supposed to do something, right? But what am I supposed to do?” Perfect in terms of not trying to provide any simple answers.

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

Well, I know Half Nelson is a wrestling move (pin?), so maybe it is about a man who is wrestling with his identity and feels trapped in his current situation. He wants to discover who he is, but can’t find the path to discovery. He tries a bunch of wacky new hobbies- skydiving, bowling league, that thing where you paint and drink wine- but nothing sticks. Until He meets his biological father Nelson. When they start to bond, the main character never loses himself, but now realizes what it means to be Half Nelson.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

When the main character meets his dad it’s in a coffee shop. The main character is waiting nervously, and when his dad walks in, the dad feels very out of place. They don’t know what to do (shake hands? hug?) or what to say so the main character asks if the dad wants a coffee. The dad says “I don’t much care for it.” And the main character says “Me neither.”

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I clearly have no clue what it is about.

Darch types in gray over here.

Kevin types in red over here.

Hello, I am the guest, Kevin. We are watching this in the Darch kitchen because she doesn’t have a DVD player in the main room. I like this because it feels different. I’m drinking tea.

—WE MEET THE MAIN CHARACTER AND I FALL IN LOVE—

Kevin already scoring points with a surprise Ryan Gosling.

Gosling making trumpet sounds with his mouth. I do this too…even before I saw it.

I love how they tried to make Ryan look shitty with this beard deal and you JUST CAN’T.

I love when movies start a school day with a HUGE overarching theme question, but the teacher already knows everyone’s names.

I like how one kid has his backpack on for all class. I encounter this too.

I was just counting down the seconds until basketball was used to teach something.

—WE FIND OUT RYAN, AS A TEACHER, IS POOR—

First Broken Social Scene track of the flick. Also like giving exposition via voicemail.

Ryan is totally cool teacher.

In this class, when someone insults you, you give them a random date to research that inevitably changes their lives in ways they can’t yet understand?

—WE SEE RYAN COACHING INCORRIGIBLE YOUTHS—

I like old-school scoring with flaps with numbers.

The voicemail lady stalked him to the high school he works at and instead of a restraining order Ryan can’t help but woo her.

There goes your little con Ryan.

—RYAN GETS CRACKED OUT IN THE BATHROOM AND FOUND BY A 12 YEAR OLD—

This is way too much for this little girl to handle. Leave her out of your life Ryan.

I really like that longer shot of her leaning over him…it captures how young she is really well…with her shoes and her backpack, etc. I’ve seen this movie maybe 5x now, and I always remember how much I really like those small moments…and I always find new ones to like.

I can’t imagine what the next day of school would be like. One day, a student caught me at a Wiz Khalifa/Snoop Dogg concert and I wanted to die the next day. I didn’t even smoke crack that night!

A high school girl I knew came up to me at Laclede’s once. She was drunk, but I was in my late 20s at Laclede’s. So we just kinda called it even-steven.

—MOM TALKS TO DREY ABOUT DAD, PRINCIPAL TALKS TO RYAN ABOUT CURRICULUM—

Look mama, I don’t know what the deadbeat dad is like but at least your daughter isn’t taking care of his CRACK EPISODES.

THE CIVIL RIGHTS BINDER!

I like Ryan is just sort of teaching the general definition of the word “history” and the principal is for some reason mad. Like, listen lady, it’s an untested subject.

I think this mechanic is black hawk… hawkeye… jayhawk… from Ironman.

—RYAN’S LIFE STARTS TO GO DOWNHILL—

I don’t think he’s a good teacher…which I like.

[catches kid cheating] “Unbelievable…Go sit in the desk. 10 points off.” Must remember this strategy for dealing with cheaters.

It’s feeling like Drey’s older brother took the fall for Iron Man’s friend and no one will talk about it?

Most of the history I’m learning is because kids are insulting each other.

—FRANK STARTS TRYING TO HANG OUT WITH DREY MORE, RYAN DOESN’T LIKE IT—

We definitely don’t trust this 40 year old, but we don’t know why yet.

“That crack is making him so thin…I worry about him”-Darch

So… Ryan sees another inappropriately old man paying attention to this 12 year old and is like “Yo, you want a ride home?”

Darch has no idea where this flick is going…and it’s driving her wild. We’re midway through and she can’t imagine the ending, I don’t think.

“I cleaned up” he famously says while snorting coke.

This {Lover’s Spit}  started a year-long crush on Feist. Saw her twice in one year. Sometimes I forget about that crush.

Girls are so into guys that snort coke and then can’t get their shit together. It’s the new “I’m just a boy, looking at a girl.”

What does he calculate with his calculator watch?

I’m sitting in a wicker chair. In a kitchen.

—FRANK COMES TO A BASKETBALL GAME TO CHEER FOR DREY AND NO ONE LIKES IT—

I’m so uncomfortable watching two 40 year olds fight over her.

“What does he do?” Ryan asks, uhhh he just casually rolled up and said “Want some candy?” we ALL know what he does.

Darch is freaking out about Drey being at Mr. Dunne’s apartment. This is making teaching looking less-than-stellar. Expect to see Darch as a financial planner soon.

—DREY HID HER KEYS, WAS LIKE, OH NO, I’M LOCKED OUT AND INVITED HERSELF OVER TO HER TEACHER’S HOUSE—

Ryan is casually like “Let me just hide my paraphernalia for a  quick minute.

This girl knows ALL the moves. “Oh, can I borrow this so I one day have to return it?” I SEE YOU DREY.

Darch, can I borrow this TV with DVD player in it?

“What’s it like when you smoke that stuff?” TEACHABLE MOMENT RYAN.

He just kicked out the girl he banged out and was kinda rude about it.

Darch ain’t gonna like this confusing scene.

—BIG DANCE COMING UP, BIG MOMENT FOR EVERYONE TO MESS UP—

School dance, hormones running high. Drey trying out new makeup.

Huh. Who would have thought ANYTHING Ryan has done would backfire?

—AFTER RYAN GRINDS WITH A  12 YEAR OLD GIRL, HE UNDERSTANDABLY FREAKS OUT—

Uh. Oh. Bender starting. Bloody nose. Dead cat. Can’t remember Paula Dickson. Lecture going off on tangent.

…kids looking less engaged, no one can follow his ramblings.

I do relate to this insofar as I tend to go on more tangents when hungover.

—RYAN GOES TO FRANK’S HOUSE TO COME TO SOME SORT OF AGREEMENT; DOESN’T—

Now I know what to yell when I don’t know something.

Man, Drey is going to freak out when the two 40 year olds that she’s in love with are hanging out together.

—RYAN GOES TO THE HOT TEACHER’S HOUSE AND IT DOESN’T GO WELL—

Oh yeah, this is a creepy scene too. Man, Dunne needs to get it together. Rapey here.

That judge in that rich white boy’s rape case would be like “Well you did open the door for a man at 2:30am. Innocent.”

Man, I forgot how many moments are uncomfortable and cringe-inducing here.

—DREY AND RYAN DON’T LIKE EACH OTHER ANYMORE—

“Asshole.” “bitch.”

We’re really hitting rock bottom here now. Sunglasses inside. Taking all the coffee. Band-aid on lip.

Still hot though.

—DREY GOES OVER TO FRANK’S HOUSE AGAINST MY WISHES—

They keep pretending like what Drey is saying is cool, but they just need those little hands to scoop coke.

Darch thinks this movie takes place in 1995. Well, city public schools in mid-2000s, might be time for an upgrade!

Their relationship is inappropriate because “he’s a basehitter, and basehitters don’t have friends.” Or like because he’s your teacher and you’re his pupil.

—DREY STARTS DEALING DRUGS AGAINST MY WISHES—

Drey walking into a room of mostly naked women with Daddy issues. SHE IS NOT READY FOR THIS LIFE.

—DREY GOES TO SCHOOL AND RYAN HAS A SUB THAT DAY. SHE GOES BACK TO THE HOTEL TO FIND HIM—

I love MR LIGHT with the smiley over the “i.” I can imagine the screewriters being like: should we really make this guy such a joke? And them being like, yeah, fuckit.  

All it took was Drey giving him one lollipop and his life is all topsy turvy.

He shaved!

And we’re DONEZO.

“Does he get his job back?! That resolved nothing! I’m more confused than ever.”

Overall Rating: A

Comments: Wow. This movie is equal parts heartwarming (any time Ryan is cute) and heart breaking (all of the other moments). I started the movie thinking it was another Dead Poet’s Society (cool teacher that changes everyone’s lives) but it was much more than that. I think it explored a lot more of how stressful being a teacher is, how much teacher’s care for certain students and how they don’t always have the answers. I think I’m going to have to watch this movie a couple more times before I understand all of it, but right now, I LOVE IT.

The Lost Boys

A teen-angsty good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Rafe Dean Williams

This is one of my favorite movie because:

It is the quintessential 80’s horror/adventure flick.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. Sexy Saxophone guy

2. Maggots Michael, you’re eating Maggots

3. Sexy Saxophone guy

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

The Lost Boys. The only lost boys we all know and love. Finally. I’m sick of the dumb spinoffs about Tinkerbell or like when Wendy gets old. WHO CARES? I’m so excited for this animated remake of the original furries. I’m mostly interested in how the two raccoon twins got matching costumes. Did they make the costumes themselves? Or did their mothers make them and then say, “Go get lost, boys.”

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“Peter, I hate Wendy, for real. She’s totally messing with our chill.” “Wendy, more like Yoko.” There’s a scene where all the lost boys in their pj animal onesies meet each other, but every time before they meet, they think each new person is the animal they represent.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I’ve never been able to find it. Thank God Rafe told me about it. I’ve dreamed of it my whole life.

Darch types in gray over here.

Rafe types in maroon over here.

—WE MEET THE LOST BOYS—

Movie opens on killer “Thou Shall not Kill” 80’s riff!

Adults on a merry go round. I’m in.

All the blondes are ancestors of Draco Malfoy.

—THE NEW KIDS IN TOWN MEET THE TOWN—

Lotta missing kids in this town and a sick Doors song.

“Any jobs in this town?” “Nothing legal.” HARDCORE

Obligatory dirt bike! Classic 80’s move.

There’s both all missing kids and also no adults in this town.

“You know what it means when there’s no TV? No MTV!” Solid Logic.

“The second shelf is for my rootbeer.” This dad is my dad.

Granddad is the peepaw I aspire to be.

“You have a TV?” “No, but if you read the TV Guide you don’t need TV.” It’s official. He’s my dad.

—NEW KIDS CHECK OUT THE TOWN… AFTER HOURS—

Oiled up saxophone player appears Darch’s life changed forever.

HOT GIRL ALERT

Who hangs a poster of missing cops?

—MOM LOOKS FOR A JOB, HAIM MEETS THE FROGG BROTHERS—

The straight laced guy from every high school movie is wearing a crazy pink blouse in this movie. NO ONE IS SAFE.

Corey Haim is wearing the sweetest of all dusters, suck it Chuck Norris.

“Look if you’re looking for the diet frozen yogurt store it went out of business.” BEST INSULT

—MICHAEL FINDS THE HOT GIRL AGAIN—

HOT GIRL’S boy is dressed like a confederate soldier.

Yeah they call him lil’ Stonewall Jackson cause he’s a huge cockblocker.

All of  Haim’s shirts are pages printed from children’s books.

Kid on back of bike with no helmet, child endagerment is so the 80’s

—MICHAEL GOES TO THE VAMPIRE LAIR—

They have said “Michael” like ten times in the last nine lines.

Cool ninja turtle like lair young mulleted jack bauer

“This is our hangout. We’ve filled it with cool metal trash.”

Never accept beaver from your grandpa 

Cool rob lowe and molly ringwald posters

Michael just wasted a really good carton of maggots.

Michael took a quick slurp of wine and the HOT GIRL and her boy backed away terrified. Like you’re hanging out in a cave with a bunch of dudes that probably murder people and underage drinking is freaking your out?

Mike love that bandana red mad dog 20/20

If I drank every time someone said “Michael” in this movie I’d be in the ER.

If all of your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you? Michael would.

—MICHAEL COMES HOME AND HAIM IS DISPLEASED—

“Lose the earring Michael, it’s not you” Haim is the Jiminy Cricket of the movie.

This kid finds out his brother is a vampire and immediately threatens to tell mom. Such a little brother.

When did they stop putting missing kids on milk cartons?

This was the sole means of protecting kids from predators for 2 decades…
Breakfast scare tactics.

—HAIM GETS ADVICE FROM THE FROGG BROs TO VAMPIRE PROOF HIS LIFE—

What kind of house has eight cloves of garlic just around?

Is HOT GIRL the Wendy of the whole operation?

The raccoon twins (Frogg bros.) are definitely the coolest. They basically own their own comic book shops. No rules.

I wanted to be the Frogg brothers when I was a kid

“What happens if my mom is dating the head vampire?”

Darch still doesn’t realize that she has met one of the vamp actors in real life.

How does HOT GIRL know Laddie? Siblings? Kidnapped from the same gypsy camp? Time travel companions?

—TO TURN MICHAEL HUMAN AGAIN, THEY HAVE TO KILL THE HEAD VAMPIRE—

Touching brother moment but Edgar frog does not fuck around.

Secret cave hang out with a secret entrance? Very Peter Pan of the Lost Boys.

Great time for a nap Michael

Keeping with Twilight canon, the vampires blood is diamond dust. Some rave girls love this movie.

—THEY DONE FUCKED UP AND NOW THEY REALLY HAVE TO VAMPIRE PROOF THE HOUSE FOR THE BIG BATTLE—

Time for that sweet ass montage.

Is there a garlic farm nearby?

Holy water super soakers, suck it Kevin Mccallister OG home alone move.

The greatest mystery of all is who tf is laddie?

Holy water n garlic holistic chemical peel

All the pipes just exploded blood. Sounds like THE WORST period.

This vampire just died because he was electrocuted by a stereo and then a bunch of fire crackers went off behind him. I think this is “special effects”.

THIS HOUSE IS DESTROYED and no one learned a damn thing.

PopPop put a nice button on it.

Overall Rating: B

Comments: This movie was fun and stupid. It was a really good time to watch. I’m kind of surprised it isn’t like a cult movie, where people like throw maggots at the screen and all dress up like Corey Haim and play fake saxophones. Actually, that sounds really fun. I’m in.

Toys

A mechanical good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Steven Harowitz

This is one of my favorite movies because:
Robin Williams plays an odd character (even for his standards) inside of a very very odd world.  Also it has Joan Cusack as his sister but there is a major twist to her character at the end.
I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:
Honestly, I’m not that shocked.  This movie was not totally on the radar for most of America.
The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:
1. The Joan Cusack twist at the end
2. The whole world getting shown off at the beginning
3. To see Robin Williams in a playful yet naive yet principled character role

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

Robin Williams being just the creepiest. I mean, we’re talking scary voices, flash lights under his chin. The toys probably move on their own and never blink and turn their heads really slowly. I man, just painfully slowly. And the kids in the movie are all named like Eustace. Nothing is going right. It’s a straight up Old English thrill ride.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“Teddy will protect me in my sleep. He has a knife” “Beatrice, where’d your dolly go?” “Hell.”

I haven’t seen this movie because:

The last movie I saw with Robin Williams was One Hour Photo.

Darch types in gray over here.

Steve types in red over here.

This is the fastest we’ve set up a movie and we had to set it up like THIS.

—THE LONGEST OPENING CREDITS OF ALL TIME—

The beginning of this sounds like the intro to Animal Farm.

Already so tense in this movie because I think it’s terrifying.

“MICHAEL GAMBONS IN IT!?”

These ballerinas are Godzillas

I hate when snowmen have legs.

Worst snowman outfit ever.  He has a circle for where his face goes

—STILL THE TITLE SEQUENCE—

 

Hans Zimmer is my boy

Is the whole movie this musical/ballet?

This isn’t even a popular christmas song.  Did they write an original christmas song just for this movie.

The audience is in uniforms. Or a cult.

—STILL THE MOTHER FUCKING TITLE SEQUENCE—

Santa does not FLY A PLANE.

Why are trees getting presents in this reality?

—FINALLY. MOVIE. WE MEET THE MEAN BAD GUY—

The totally unnecessary movement of the stairs off a huge lever gets you totally setup for whats in store.

“I know you haven’t been happy since Vietnam.” SAID NO ONE EVER.

The toy company was given FROM a man that wears a helicopter hat attached to his pace maker TO a man in the military. COMEDY.

There is very little that makes sense at the top of this movie.  Also I am pretty sure this old helper man is from Hook.  He’s the character that loses his marbles.

Someone in this movie has a house that folds out.

The proportions of this movie are FREAKING ME OUT.

—THE DAD DIES AND LEAVES THE COMPANY TO THE MEAN BAD GUY—

Just because you are driving a bumper car in a funeral procession doesn’t mean the funeral limos get to bump into you.  SOMEONE DIED.

The man inside the coffin is laughing and everyone is PRETTY chill about it.

You have to admit, having a barrel of laughs running in your coffin after you died is a pretty solid gag.

“I just love that, tin horns, it just stays with me.” Joan Cusack being crazy in EVERY MOVIE she is in.

—WE SEE THE FACTORY RUNNING WELL—

Cool manufacturing tools, terrible manufacturing.  Really, whats most important?

Every thing in this factory seems unneccessarily expensive. The people that are paid to dance while pretending to work, the machine that are toys to MAKE toys.

Is using a toy to make a toy reverse toy cannibalism?

I wonder if this “focus group” video is really just robin williams improvising with actual people in real life.

This lady just referenced pooping in the bathtub and said “What? We’ve all done it.”

Robin Williams is the reason that a tuxedo in Spanish is called an “esmoking.”

The sisters name is Alopecia? No that can’t be it.

—THE MEAN BAD GUY DOESN’T WANT THE COMPANY—

Old man character is still in his dress uniform, half dead, with a bottle of Whiskey next to his bed. I smell a prequel.

This four star general has two sons, one a toymaker, one a three star general, both disappointments.

Darch turned it up right before the character yelled “You smelly old fart.” It was funny.

Three star gets NO advice from his dad, but gets a date with the hot nurse. Sounds like a W.

—MEAN BAD GUY IS BORED DURING THE MEETING, UNTIL HE HEARS ABOUT CORPORATE ESPIONAGE—

I don’t understand why the brain trust of Joan Cusack and Robin Williams can’t run this factory.

“Guns and Noses” Robin Williams loves ad libbing.

Alcacia?

—WE MEET THE BEST CHARACTER, ENLISTED TO HELP FIND THE SPY—

LL Cool J just popped out of a couch.  Also his dads white.

Joan Cusack is literally eating a white bread sandwich with pills mushed into the bread.

The roll at dinner is in the shape of a bear.  No one can claim they didn’t pay attention to the small details.

OF COURSE this dude takes over the toy company and makes a “War Toy” division.

—ROBIN WILLIAMS AND BAD MEAN GUY HAVE DIFFERENT TAKES ON HOW THE FACTORY SHOULD BE RUN—

So one brother says “Treat your friends like your enemies, and your enemies like your friends.” And the other brother says “Treat your friends like your friends and your enemies like your enemies.”

Anastasia?

—THE FUN FACTORY VERY QUICKLY BECAME A MILITARIZED ZONE—

The check in points have sandbags for NO REASON.

They turned this place into a security state almost over night.  But at least their folks have really snazzy uniforms.  They also have a dance routine.  Seriously. Over night.

They are repainting the mural in his office to be a bunch of robots walking into a camp of some sort. It’s all gray. And all depressing.

—WE MEET THE LOVE INTEREST. FINALLY, SOMETHING INTERESTING—

Robin wright appearance!!! Full 80s.

First sex reference.  About duplication.

“You remind me of my brother” “That’s impossible, we’re opposites.” “That’s what I meant.”

Robin Wright doing a instantaneous dolphin noise makes this movie worth it for me.  She ain’t the bad bitch she usually is from House of Cards.

“I want my string beans quarantined”

“I hate it when food touches.”

Robin Wright doing a very convincing Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions.

LOT of plots happening, but I’m mostly invested in Joan Cusack getting the applesauce sandwich that she asked for.

Alopecia is kind of an asshole.

—BAD MEAN GUY STARTS GETTING INVESTED IN ARCADE GAMES—

Dude, back off the back of that child.  You acting reallllll creep like.

Three Star in his military casuals/fishing gear. Trying out some war arcade games.

This guy is looking to blow-up UN trucks in this video game.  A little on the head don’t you think?

—WHILE ROBIN WILLIAMS IS BEING WHIMSICAL—

Robin Wright is literally using training wheels on her MILES LONG bike ride home.

 

“Will you let me take off your training wheels?”  Sexual metaphor? “It’s gross is all I know” – Darch.

—WHILE THE BAD MEAN GUY IS BEING MANIACAL—

“What if you didn’t need a pilot? What if you could have a remote control plane that flew deadly weapons?” THIS MOVIE INVENTED DRONES.

“These kids playing arcade games have better hand eye coordination than adults” He’s also inventing the plot of War Games and Ender’s Game.

“Always carry a flair”

Three Star’s camouflage is inspired by Porygon.

Theres a duck crossing in the way of the generals golf cart. The ducks are motorized.

—THE MEAN BAD GUY NEEDS MORE SPACE—

One of the people discussing fake vomit: “I’d like a Asian inspired vomit, all of these are very anglican, very ethnocentric.” EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW

Three Star is expanding his offices, and the walls in the factory are LITERALLY closing in on the works. Like, maybe make walls that can’t move? IDK.

If you build it, Joan Cusack will wander around calling for her dead father

There’s a giant elephant commemorating this dude’s grave.

Alostecia?

The trunk blows bubbles!!!!!

—ROBIN WILLIAMS HAS A ROMANTIC PICNIC WITH ROBIN WRIGHT. ROBINS!—

Twin towers? Oh no! What if that plane runs into them later”-Evil Steven. Stevil?

“Pick a state” “New York” “Wrong. Pick again” “California” “Really wrong.” NO ONE WINS THIS GAME.

—A PLAN IS HATCHED TO SNEAK INTO THE RESTRICTED ZONE OF THE FACTORY—

They’re dressed in clockwork orange uniforms for this raid

Their music video is a series of Magritte Paintings.

They are wasting a lot of time on this gag. They should really be stealing whatever they should be stealing. Or whatever.

Their games are amazing.  Over the top brutal with a strange sense of scoring.  You win based off the number of certain brands of cars you destroy.

—ROBIN ESCAPES NEAR DEATH AND GOES TO ROBIN’S HOUSE—

EVERYTHING IS A TOY. They are spying on Robin and Robin using a robot and the antenna is a wind up toy car.

LL Cool J has a fake pair of legs so when hes in the bathroom he has a decoy person in the stall.  I can only imagine the types of attacks hes had while in the bathroom.

End of the day Robin Williams is a real man with real needs. Jamie Foxx’s character is making the robot follow them into the bedroom.

This is the best thing LL Cool J has EVER done.

—BAD MEAN GUY TRIES TO SELL HIS DRONES. NO TAKERS—

Good for them for inserting some random medical humor.  Dude has a pair of scissors inside of his chest from a surgical procedure.  Noticed when searching for a wire with an xray.  

Dude is NUTSO. He is shooting his gun at a fly in his office. And he can’t even kill it.

—THE GROUP GOES IN TO FINALLY TAKE DOWN THE RESTRICTED ZONE—

Three star is letting the group separate like a serial killer in a movie.

“Red usually means caution, or beef if it’s a bouillon cube.”

Hans Zimmer’s greatest work to date. “Hooha hooha hooha hooha”

I love these tanks with Darth Vader helmets.

Darch has never seen Cuttingedge.  This movie stole the blurry slow motion camera technique from Cutting Edge. watch it and tell me im wrong.

Three star is legit shooting at them. This is crazy illegal.

—THE GROUP DECIDES TO FIGHT BACK WITH RANDOM DISCARD TOYS—

“We’re going to fight fire with marshmallows.” So many of these quotes are regretted tattoos.

“Hold until you see the lights in their eyes”

#Breedshillnotbunkerhill

Yo LL just got SHOT in this model of New York City. I know he took that and put it in his rap music.

If I’m being honest with myself, I would want some of these military toys.  If the General weren’t about killing actual people I would be into buying stuff from this dude.

Pretty sure the plane knocked over every building except for the Twin Towers, so we’re good.

There is only one toy that escaped from the entire complex. It was the mortons salt butt bite little girl. Darch corrected me, Coppertone.

The SEA SWINE IS LOOSE.

Joan Cusack has been a robot all along and we just NOW find out we could have called her “Al”?

—EVERYTHING IS BACK TO HAPPY SOMEHOW—

Now four star and three star have matching deathbeds.

Joan Cusack pulls up in her own backyard and says “So this is Paris?”

Alsatia.

Overall Rating: C+

Comments: This movie is crazy. I am surprised it doesn’t have a bigger cult following honestly. It was weird in a way I expect Tim Burton to make movies, but there wasn’t a whole lot of darkness to it. There were some weird parts and sad parts and “Oh Shit, really?” parts, but for the most part it was fun and uplifting. If you are not a human that is currently in love with LL Cool J and would like to be, then boy oh boy is this movie for you.

American Movie

A real-life good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Jacob McGuire

This is one of my favorite movies because:

It has so much to offer. It is heartbreaking to see a man want something so badly but be battling so many demons. It’s inspiring to see a guy working so hard to achieve his dream despite alcoholism, depression, and incompetent friends. It’s also full of real, awkward, hilarious moments. Probably one of the movies I quote the most

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

I am not really shocked, I think it had a pretty limited release as these documentaries tend to. Luckily someone showed it to me in college.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. Mark giving one of his passionate drunk ramblings.

2. Bill trying to remember his 1 line

3.Mike Schank Screaming

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

A cowboy that becomes President. He was born really, really poor, taught himself to read and manage people. He started by making peace between farmers arguing over land boundaries and finally, he’s the President. He worked hard to get here, but can his small town thinking rule the largest pasture of all, America?

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“If it works on a steer, it’ll work on China.” “This isn’t Old McDonald, it’s Mao Zedong.” There’s also a scene where the Cowboy President falls into a ditch of some sort and has to LITERALLY pull himself up by his bootstraps. (He wears boots under his suits).

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I have literally no clue what it is about.

Darch types in gray over here.

Jacob types in red over here

It’s a documentary. I’m WAYYYY off.

—WE MEET MARK, THE MOST DEDICATED/UNLUCKY GUY—

Everyone is wearing the sweatshirts you find in Goodwill.

Dirty sock on the microphone

Mullet guy is a self-described loser, but also, the star of the movie?

We’re just watching this mullet guy open mail… ART!

He got a Mastercard!

Mark’s mom, also the director of photography and craft services

—WE FIND OUT ABOUT MARK’S PREVIOUS PROJECTS—

Everyone in this movie is talking about Mullet guy. I think he’s really going to be something.

Ken Keen is the worst name of our time.

The More the Scarier a horror classic

These Wisconsin kids have never sworn before.

Mark will show you passion

—MARK’S DREAM IS TO MAKE THE MOVIE “NORTHWESTERN”—

Mullet guy LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS CAR to work.

Can Mark sweet talk his rich uncle into funding his movie…bring out a picture of a babe

His rich uncle needs all the money he has to buy sweaters that are nonChristmas.

Sleepy sloth man is sleeping in a basket

This movie is all the incompetence of Fargo in real life.

I like that everyone’s lower third ID is friend/something or some relation to Mark.

Brother wearing a hooters shirt

—NO ONE BELIEVES IN MARK, HE DOESN’T GET THE FUNDING

Mark ditches Northwestern to start COVEN. COh-Ven, not Cuh-ven, the real word.

Name dropping Casablanca

All I want to do in life is suck down peppermint schnapps and call Morocco at 3 in the morning.

“If I don’t make money on COVEN, I can’t make Northwestern.” THE STAKES HAVE BEEN RAISED.

They are telling the OLDEST man I’ve ever seen to “be upbeat.” He’s breathing on his own. That’s a huge success story right there.

—MARK STARTS TO FILM COVEN, POORLY—

“Can you film this? Just put the subject in the center of the shot?” “Maybe?” “Fuck it, my mom will just be in it.”

“How is it?” “It’s good it’s good. Well, you can’t see your beard…” This movie is really about the human spirit.

Update, the Hooter shirt is also a bowling shirt, the hooter is bowling

“It’s totally unChristian to try to get ahead.” SUCH A POOR PERSON THING TO SAY.

He just described his girlfriend as slick and cool. That’s how I refer to Rachel.

Mullet Guy is the father of three children. THE STAKES HAVE BEEN RAISED.

“There’s only ONE girl that I respect and like.” WTF?

—MARK HAS A GIRLFRIEND NOW, EVERYTHING IS GOING SMOOTHLY—

He’s wearing his autographed America the band shirt? That needs to be behind a glass case

This old man can’t give less of a fuck about the movie he funded.

Still mulling over the hypothetical bottle of victory wine they will get when their movie makes $45,000.

This old guy is the GRUMPIEST guy I’ve ever seen.

Where’s the documentary about the best friend? Like, what is that guy into? What’s going on with him?

He is now on The More The Scarier 12

3rd person casually wearing a bowling shirt

Finally, an insight into the psyche of the best friend.

The lottery- “sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but when you use drugs or alcohol, you always lose.”

—THE MOVIE IS TAKING TOO LONG, IN THE EYES OF ALMOST EVERYONE—

Papa’s cutting Mullet Guy off. It’s about time.

Vodka creates another friendship!

Listen 3 year old kid make sure that camera stays integrated and meshed

Update: Mullet guy isn’t married to the mother of his kids and is confused about how the law stands on this situation.

Thanksgiving of 1996, I wonder what I was like

They vape in heaven

—WE SEE HOW MARK REALLY DOES CARE ABOUT THE OLDEST MAN ON EARTH—

Bill’s annual Thanksgiving bath

“That’s a science photo!” -My new favorite quote

I can’t stop predicting Bill’s death in every scene that he’s in.

Mullet guy could EASILY be played by Macaulay Culkin in one of his weird phases.

Another great think about this movie is it chronicles Brett Favre and the Packer’s Super Bowl run in the background

I can’t imagine filming a movie in 1990 and trying to pick it up in 1996. The technology had to have changed SO MUCH.

I am pretty sure he hasn’t got a new piece of film equipment since 1982

—HE ASKS HIS MOM TO FILM, ABOUT TO HIT A LOW POINT—

This guy just said “Cut” AFTER he knew the camera was off.

His girlfriend left him and he got in a huge fight with the mother of his children and he’s just sitting in his car like “I guess I have nothing left.”

Honey go to bed, don’t mind the maniac cackling in the living room

Steven Spielberg never had to explain every step of movie making to his mother, geeze

Literally 2 vacuums glued together

—MARK GETS HIS LIFE TOGETHER, A LITTLE—

This best friend can play the guitar blindfolded. Which is pretty neat, but I bet he had to bribe the filmmakers so that part was in the movie.

Stole flowers from the cemetery to get his girl back! Also a move I have used with Rachel

His mom is his best friend/only person helping with the film.

“Can we record this one line?” “When am I going to eat my dinner?” Uncle Bill is the funniest/grumpiest part of the movie.

Surge!

“You have to believe in what you’re saying” “Well I don’t. I don’t believe in anything you’re doing.” WOW.

—FILMING IS WRAPPED, BIG EDITING NIGHT—

Mike Shank drug story

I hate that this is the glory days of the Packers, and I can tell you for absolute certain, I watched all of these games when I was younger.

Back in 1997 20 bucks would get you 4 pitchers at Jim Mitchells

Don’t watch this movie if you’ve ever had a dream before.

Watch this movie if you ever have had a dream

—PEOPLE REALLY CROSSING THEIR FINGERS FOR THIS MOVIE—

“Every time we were together, something didn’t go right.” That’s the best thing I can say about his character.

The most amazing part of this movie is that Bill is not dead yet.

The only qualifications to be a proper scholar in Mark’s dads eyes is know how to spell a word

“What’s the Mark Borchardt style?” “Drinking. Drinking, drinking, drinking, drinking.”

Peer pressure is bullshit

—THE MOVIE SORT OF STOPS HAVING A FOCUS—

We’re picking up Ken from jail. -Lots of nonsensical subplots here.

Do junkyards just let you walk around and bust car windows?

Mullet Guy is so dedicated to this film. Hasn’t had a haircut since they started filming.

He cashed in his Marlboro points for that free t-shirt

Mark is very cynical about the cemetery business

Proud of Mark for holding down a job, and keeping a shirt clean.

—TIME TO ADVERTISE OUR MOVIE!—

We had flyers that were important, so we put them on a pile of garbage…

The best friend did the whole soundtrack to this movie. Where is he now?????

Sex, money, power and a 50 dollar lottery ticket is what makes Mike tick

Sleepover splice party

—THE BIG PREMIERE

I’m so nervous. Everyone is nervous. We’re all so nervous. It’s like a 30 minute film…

3 years in the making it all comes down to this

No one that funded this movie is happy about having to see the movie.

Spoiler alert for Coven everyone dies

“Mike are you happy?” “Yeah.” “Good, ‘cause don’t drink.” Deep.

It’s impossible to tell whether Bill is singing a song he made up or just rambling.

I couldn’t tell if Bill was in a rap battle or was saying a prayer.

Overall Rating: B

Comments: This movie was confusing. I feel like they had a really good plan for the documentary and then nothing worked out, Mark couldn’t make Northwestern and they filmmakers were like, “Well, we’re all ready here.” What they ended up capturing is depressing and frustrating but also heartwarming and charming at times. The people in this movie are so strangely passionate about what they are doing, it’s hard to tell if what they are making is any good or not, but it is gold to them. I still don’t know if it is a cautionary tale or like a pick yourself up and follow your dreams tale. We may never know.

 

Showgirls

A gratuitous good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Jodi Werner

This is one of my favorite movie because:

I love everything that’s campy and sleazy, and this film epitomizes that. When it first debuted, it bombed terribly. It was touted as one of the worst films ever made because it took itself too seriously. Now it’s a cult classic and considered by many to be a masterwork of the trash genre, and it’s particularly celebrated in the LGBTQ community.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

Maybe it’s just me, but my curiosity couldn’t keep me away from this movie as a teenager and young adult. But I’m also scummy as hell, so maybe I’m not really surprised that Darch hasn’t seen it. It’s pretty gross.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. “The show is called ‘Goddess’, it ain’t called ‘Classes’!” scene

2. Weird, thrashing-in-the-pool sex scene.

3. Top-notch acting, dazzling costumes and special effects, long, glittery squared-off nails, Ver-sayce dresses, the whole shebang.

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

Some badass bitches that run a cabaret and the hijinks that ensue. They are constantly the better men in every situation, and the idiots they have to deal with are a total laughingstock. I also expect a lot of women that hit their prime in the 80s in this movie.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“That’s not as bad as the time Frankie tried to give me the one-two, in the middle of the second act!” “Oh sure, Margie’s got a story about a president…” Also there’s a scene where the new innocent girl thinks she’s in love with a customer, but the vets are like, “Honey, if he’s here, he’s an idiot!” And then everyone laughs.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I think it’s actually about a strip club? And I’ve never heard of it.

Darch types in gray over here

                                                             Jodi types in red over here.

We worked so hard for this movie.

—WE MEET GROWN UP ELIZABETH BERKELEY—

The ol’ 90’s butthole mouth makeup trick

Cute biker chick meets hot single guy. CLASSIC

Sisters of mercy song playing. My whole heart.

Broke-ass elvis

Hot bitch won’t talk to cute guy. I’ve seen this movie. It’s called the chase.

“I’m gonna win” YES NOMI

—E BERKS IS PROMISED A CAREER IF SHE WAITS IN THIS CASINO—

Was there ever a year when Vegas was respectable?

The beginning of Nomi’s gambling addiction.

“Sooner or later you’re gonna have to sell it” There is SO much foreshadowing.

You mean the guy that kept “joking” about robbing her, ROBBED HER?

Actually, this movie is 90 percent foreshadowing what’s going to happen in the next 2 hours

I like that Nomi’s tactic is to be a huge bitch to everyone. It’s working though.

—E BERKS OFFICIALLY MOVED TO VEGAS, LIVES IN A TRAILER—

This strip club is super interpretive.

Vegas shows are nothing but gold lame and fake volcanoes apparently

Oh, and awful choreography

And hand gestures!

So many more volcanoes than I imagined at a strip club.

—WE MEET THE HOT HUNK—

Surprise cameo by the mayor from Portlandia.

This girl is the reason hysteria was a mental illness in the 1800s.

I’m sure david bowie and trent reznor were thrilled to bits about their songs being featured

Nomi is terrifyingly turned on by violence.

—AT E BERKS’ STRIP CLUB—

She’s a really sexy baby sucking on that ring pop. also the loosest of loose cannons

I play the gal in the purple dress.

NEW GIRL ALERT!

This owner changes the new girl’s name and her moral code.

Everybody in the 90’s emerges from limos wiping their noses

—THE MAIN DANCER COMES TO THE CLUB TO UNOFFICIALLY AUDITION E BERKS—

The famous stripper saw something in bitch ass Nomi. I don’t know what it is though.

Nomi is an antihero, right?

I was wrong. The hero is this charming black bouncer.

This isnt about gratuitous sex, this is about Nomi PROVING HER WORTH

Cristal connors KNOWS she has some competish

—E BERKS GOES ON A CHARMING DATE WITH BLACK BOUNCER—

ALVIN AILEY is a crazy famous choreographer. This dude studied under ALVIN AILEY and is a bouncer in Las Vegas???

—E BERKS GETS THE AUDITION—

Tony moss is the most quotable person in this whole film

“Come back when you fuck some of this baby fat off”

“THE SHOW IS CALLED GODDESS, IT AINT CALLED CLASSES”

Nomi being a bitch and it working again somehow.

Is the gay guy just named “gay”?

Again why is Nomi pretending like she’s embarrassed by being naked? She’s literally a stripper.

—NOMI STORMS OFF AND RUNS INTO BLACK BOUNCER—

The black guy’s name is just “Smith”? What creative genius was in charge of names?

Literally nobody in vegas can keep a job for more than a few days

“I’m not working her” Smith says before taking her out on a date.

“You can fuck me when you love me.” this is being spray painted in gold on canvas at my wedding.

—NOMI GETS THE PART, QUITS HER JOB, AND GOES TO CELEBRATE WITH BLACK BOUNCER—

As far as I can tell this weird Cheetah owner had only been nice to Nomi.

So this guy that Nomi is continually a bitch to finds a girl that doesn’t suck and Nomi is mad at him?

Listen smith, i know ive known you for about 2 days, but don’t play me like this

Ver-sayce

I wonder if Nomi’s mispronunciation of Versace inspired Kanye.

—NOMI’S FIRST NIGHT ON STAGE—

Classic girl steps in monkey shit on her first night of performances movie trope.

You know that stage smells terrible

OMG Smith is totally going to give her flowers. And then they fall back in love.

Why does everyone keep saying “brown rice and vegetables” like it’s macaroni and cheese? It’s not a meal!

—NOMI AND THE EVIL GIRL BOND OVER LUNCH—

Everybody knows it’s called puppy chow, btw

Why do evil characters in movies always want someone to be just like them?

It’s starting to make me sad that Elizabeth Berkeley did all this shit to make her career and it flopped.

Nomi SHE SET YOU UP!

Nomi is well known for leaving in a huff.

“An MBA is a degree.” The Mayor is like how do I explain this?

“You want a knuckle sandwich??” is not something i’ve ever heard in dialogue outside of maybe Grease.

—THINGS START HAPPENING REALLY FAST. FAMOUS BITCH’S UNDERSTUDY HURTS HERSELF—

The show they put on is like 9 acts and constantly changing.

Thank God that was the last number of the night. It also sucks that she had to REMAIN ON STAGE IN AGONY while the audience cleared out.

—THE OLD STRIP CLUB GANG VISITS HER SHOW—

Now we know where Lisa Lampanelli got her schtick from

Seriously everyone in this movie is ONLY nice to her.

“Must be weird not having anybody cum on ya” said in a sentimental way.

—NOMI IS GOING TO SLEEP WITH HOT HUNK—

You get in the pool, I’ll turn on these neon palm trees.

This man has way too much money.

Nomi’s realest talent is being able to go down on Kyle McLachlan UNDERWATER

It’s impossible to think of the mayor as a romantic lead.

THEN THE THRASHING STARTS

THE FLAILING

And that’s sex, folks

She looked worse than a body double being thrown off a building.

So much angry thrusting in this film

—NOMI GETS A CHANCE TO MAKE EXTRA MONEY—

Is “hear Caesar sing” a new euphemism?

Super jealous of that cheeseburger action right now

A LOT of neon lights in this movie. How many people have taken acid and watched this movie?

“We’re getting married.” “You love her?” “I don’t know.”

Nothing in Vegas makes sense.

—NOMI IS MAD AT FAMOUS BITCH AND THEY HAVE A SHOW TONIGHT—

Hate-dance-fight-fucking

Damn that got REAL fast.

Nomi, acting like the opposite of an innocent person.

Through a series of confusing events, the character no one likes got what she wanted.

NOMI IS FINALLY A STAR. ALL THE FORESHADOWING FINALLY PAYS OFF. IT WASN’T ALL FOR NAUGHT.

Is this movie where Brittney got her Toxic costume?

—NOMI GOES TO A FAMOUS PERSON PARTY—

This party is crazy! Caesar is here!

Andrew Carver aka the Beast from the live-action Beauty and the Beast show from the 90’s

Classic I’ll buy your friend a drink to sleep with you move that I don’t understand.

Rape is okay. It’s vegas, baby!!!

This movie has so many plots.

—THINGS START TO UNRAVEL, HER BEST FRIEND IS IN THE HOSPITAL AND E BERKS JUST GOT FOUND OUT—

Nomi, aka Pollyanna, has lived a thousand lives

Nomi is literally a whore, the thing we’ve all been calling this whole movie.

“You like her? I’ll make sure she gets enough money.” VEGAS BABY!

Nomi’s lesson learned: she should just settle down and open a nail shop

Nomi also knows Karate I guess?

It’s hard to tell where this movie is going.

Cristal was right the whole time. She and Nomi are EXACTLY THE SAME.

Except Crystal’s motivation this whole movie was just a big ol’ crush on a hot young ass.

Is that like how Carl and Rick keep trading the cowboy hat?

Nomi had a very full 2 weeks in vegas

—EVERYTHING COMES FULL CIRCLE?—

So Nomi just left everyone wayyy worse off then when she got there?

 

Overall Rating: D

Comments: Oh man, this movie is terrible. I think that is why the people that love it, really love it, but it is seriously a terrible movie. There is so much going on, none of the characters are remotely likeable, and when we meet one that is likeable, Nomi makes them fuck right off. How was my experience watching this movie with Jodi? 12/10. So much fun and we had a real laugh. Could I ever explain this movie to anyone at any time? No, definitely now.