It’s a timely good time!


With Mat Siebers

This is my favorite movie because:

I wouldn’t say this is my favorite movie, but when I had to stop and think back about a movie I enjoyed, this one just popped into my head. It’s such a simple concept- guy alone on an island- that I feel is realistically portrayed. Looking back on the movie, it shows how little we really need to exist – food, water, fire – and how much we really need to thrive/survive — Wilson.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

It sounds like Darch hasn’t seen many movies, but I believe this movie is real real long, so perhaps that is what dissuaded her. Or perhaps she doesn’t want to develop a fear of flying.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. The plane crash- real intense, or at least it was when I first saw it, may look real lame now.

2. When Wilson peaces out- to see if Darch has a soul.

3. Watching essentially an entire movie with just one character and a volleyball.


I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

Tom Hanks getting marooned on an island. Possibly his struggles with survival- making a campsite, food, water, etc. There’s definitely a scene where there’s a storm and he has no shelter and you can’t tell his tears from the rain.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

WILSONNNNNN! I know enough to know there is a loveable Volleyball in this one. It has a handprint on it, though I’m not sure if that’s Tom’s or not. I think FedEx also plays a role.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

Tom doesn’t look great in a beard. I may have been too young when it first came out and then moved on to better things. A one man movie didn’t seem all that appealing at the time, but now that I’ve seen The Revenant, I can sit through anything.

Darch types in gray over here.

Mat types in red over here.

HOLY SHIT there are subtitles!!!!

FedEx was a big fan of child labor. That they pay for in candy.

Tom Hanks is whipping this Russia division into shape. Who knew FedEx was so cut throat?

Hope that tooth fixes itself before he gets marooned on an island.

This conversation went from joking banter/boozing to Cancer real quick.

So far, there’s a lot less volleyballs than I was promised.

This is ugly christmas sweaters at their finest.

Time is a big element of this movie already. They are clocking questions.

“Sorry for leaving Christmas, Malaysia needs me.”

Why is it always Malaysia??? Never getting on a Malaysian flight.

I didn’t remember Elvis being such a big theme.


Do FedEx employees get to just walk straight onto the plane?

Tom Hanks is making her PROPOSE TO HERSELF??? “Here’s the ring, you know what to do.”

Stop taking off all your important things and exposing your wounds!

Pilot just yelled “Fire! Explosion!” Thanks.

It’s never good when pilots are just waltzing about the plane while it is crashing.

This is a worse crash than ConAir.

Darch is holding her hands to her mouth right now. Intense.

So far we can conclude I’d be dead.

Holy fuck. Forgot about the turbine exploding.

The movie really quickly became Life of Pi.

Starting from this moment, I predict he is on said island for 6 seasons of Lost.

I can’t stop staring at the raft.

Here’s hoping someone was Fedexing a year’s supply of food and water and shoes and sunscreen.

The island is pretty beautiful besides the whole being completely alone part.

I would have made bubble letters, but no one asked me.

I mean, he did/does have a lot of time. He could have made bubble letters.

The name of the game is simple tasks to not go insane.

Tom keeps leaving stuff of on the beach like it won’t wash away.

But really, why isn’t he opening these packages ASAP?

Loving the sweater as a skirt look. Like Tom just got his first period.

You can take the man outta Memphis, but that man is still not going to know how to open a coconut.

As far as this coconut process goes calories in<calories out.

Tom Hanks staring down a literal Mount Midoriyama.

Drake can’t pay for these Views.

How could he have been surprised that guy was dead!?!

Tom Hanks needs to immediately jack this dude’s boots.

“Been calling this dead pilot by the wrong name the whole time… damn… Sorry Albert.”

I’ve never been madder at Tom Hanks in my life. I’m shouting orders.

If there’s one thing I know about the ocean it’s that there are sharks LITERALLY EVERYWHERE. Really surprised Tom isn’t eaten yet.

So much blood… how is he not dead already??

Turn your damn light off!!

I’m predicting this cave of wonders yields Wilson.

You saw it here first people! FedEx just opens your packages.

He’s going to use that beautiful birthday card for kindling

I can’t wait til Tom Hanks takes all my ideas and uses these items for good.

I feel like Tom Hanks learned most of these survival skills during those 87 hours in Russia.

How has it taken him this long to think about building a fire?

Just watched Wilson being born of a father’s frustration, like most kids.

Dying to be in the pitch meeting where one drunk writer is like “The volleyball doesn’t TALK, it just IS.”

Wear more protective items over your hands when building a fire!


Don’t you hide that fire under a bushel, Tom.

(Mat napped during this part, I guess)

OMG there’s math in this movie!!!!!!

Before you excise this tooth, maybe recheck to see if anyone was shipping Vicadin.

“FOUR YEARS LATER.” These writers were lazy af.

I mean.. It’s already a 2 ½ hour movie.. If anything the producer was like.. We need to get this fucking ball rolling.

Damn pro at building fires now.

“We live and die by time.” Thesis statement of this movie.

The amount of times something is right in front of Tom Hank’s face and he doesn’t see it is out of control.

Melissa: “That’s a cute flag made of cloth. Definitely not a wind vane.”

Epic selfie moment with Wilson as they leave the island.

Darch did gasp when Wilson first fell off the raft.

I’ve never been more scared of whales in my life.

I am just as sad about Wilson as I was the first time I saw this movie at 10 years old.

Tom Hanks acting like he just got dumped.

WHY did Tom Hanks just Viking Funeral his oars????

“Just the whales again… probably not some huge ship coming to save me.”

If this ship is owned by UPS I’ll DIE.

Classic movie faint scene.

“Yeah, Kelly’s not coming in today, I guess her almost fiancee was alive after four+ years? She could have just pretended to be sick.”

Kelly finally got rid of that shitty beeper.. In his grave.

Tom Hanks just apologized that he “wasn’t around” when he was marooned on an island.

She married a DENTIST!!?!?! The nerve.

Mr. Big from Sex and the City not finishing a complete sentence to the guy from the movie BIG.

I would love to read this script. “And then Tom lays on the floor and plays with a lamp.”

Coffee?? Didn’t the taxi driver say they have 10 minutes??

Why does she have three types of milk??????

No way would the dentist let her keep her dead fiancee’s car.

What happened to the taxi driver?

He’s gone. The taxi driver is gone. He said 10 minutes. I mean coffee??? Maps???

AGAIN. Tom Hanks should not have to be apologizing that his plane went down.

Ahhh Back to the Ranch.. Also, how much fucking money did FedEx give for this movie?

An ole crossroads.

Hi, I’m a hot single lady that you owe a weird part of your life to.


Overall Rating: C+/B-
Comments: I don’t know dude. I don’t know if I was just mothering Tom for too much of the movie and then disappointed in dang near ALL of his choices, but something about this movie made me profoundly sad. And it’s not that time went on in such a different way for people on land then it did for Tom Hanks alone on an island. Or that love was lost and should have been reclaimed but the burden of familial responsibility kept two people that were meant to be together apart, I think it’s mostly that I just thought of everything before Tom Hanks thought to do it.

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