POINT BREAK

A gnarly-curl-ripping good time!

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Trailer

With Colin Dowd

I like this movie because:

It’s just cool and fun and keeps you on the edge with what might happen next.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

It’s a classic Keanu pal around film.

I’m most excited for Darch to see:

1. The movie push the limits of physics

2. Utah shooting his gun straight into the air cause he loves bohdi

3. The doctor from scrubs saying “young dumb and full of cum”

Also a bonus one, when Gary Busey says ordering two meatball sandwiches

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

A surfing crime? Like Keanu has to go undercover as a surfer (a role he was born to play) to solve a crime. I’m really hoping that a shark is the criminal, but I know that I may be too hopeful on this one.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

Keanu ripping some gnarly curl. Is that how you say surfing things? Also, someone says “Hang loose” at some point.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

There’s this movie I saw when I was way younger and when I describe it to people they swear that it’s Point Break but IT’S NOT, so I have been boycotting.

Darch types in gray over here.

Dowd types in red over here.

—WE MEET THE CHARACTERS—

HOLY ISHT. Patrick Swayze? Doesn’t he just dance?

I love surfing!

I can shoot better than him.

I don’t understand why Keanu had to kill that cardboard woman like 8 times.

Dr. Cox as a fast talking sarcastic guy. Keanu as a surfer. Did this movie make their careers?

Not an accurate representation of any law enforcement department.

“We’ve got ourselves an asshole shortage.” My new twitter bio.

Blindfolded swimming is the most reliable resource in an FBI agents repertoire.

Busey as a crazy guy. I just GET this movie.

—WE SET UP THE PLOT—

Ronald Reagan robbing a bank!!! Why I never?

The poor man that invented the president mask must be pissed that this is how they are used.

Also, the nose on Richard Nixon is straight up offensive.

“Like a virgin on prom night” hahaha classic Gary Busey

C’mon Busey. Tell us your crazy theory. We all want to know it.

Keanu speaking Busey’s language: Yelling.

Who would’ve thought that the young impressionable rookie would have something to teach the old wise agent.

“I became a wax expert!” I wouldnt be too proud of that Gary

“We’ve got one month.” Great. A ticking clock.

—KEANU TRIES TO SURF TO BLEND IN—

Classic Hot Chick saving Keanu’s ass. Wonder if she’ll stick around.

I have never been able to figure out why she is so mad at him for not knowing how to surf.

Of course she runs off and immediately rips some serious curl.

Girl just took off her underwear, put on jean shorts, DIDN’T button or zip them and drove off.

Best learning to surf scene: Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

—KEANU STARTS FALLING FOR THE GIRL—

Oh they’re splashing water on each other, wonder if they are gonna get married now.

“Hey whos that water God?” Keanu looks longing into the sunlight and water at Patric Swayze ripping the hell out of these curls.

OF COURSE the real way Keanu bonds with them is through football.

Is Keanu the quarterback in The Replacements?

Keanu ran through the same guy like three times.

—CAPTAIN DR. COX IS NOT HAPPY WITH THEIR LACK OF PROGRESS—

“Its undercover, it takes time” Look you guys have been on vacation

Everyone is really digging their heels into this theory that makes not a ton of sense.

Dude just pulled a knife on Keanu IN THE WATER.

Water brawls are very for serial brahs

“We’re just going to f you up.” Four on one seems real fair.

Patrick Swayze saves the day without fighting.

Keanu just because those guys beat you up doesn’t mean they are the bank robbers

Patrick may or may not be flirting with Keanu. I’m leaning towards may.

Well that’s not how you drive guys, you can’t just swerve all over and then park your car on the front lawn.

Patrick Swayze has a real ‘Hakuna Matata’ attitude for a guy who loves armed robbery.

Dowd really spoiling this movie for me.

Shouldn’t it be really really easy to predict when a “50 year storm” is coming?

Swayze is actually just a Ghost

If I hadn’t seen this movie, I’d think they were going to sacrifice Keanu right now.

Bodie is slowly accepting Keanu into the group… the robbery group.

There’s so much more yelling in surfing than I would have expected.

—KEANU SHOWS UP LATE TO THE STING—

 

Busey walking up into the sting button up his shirt they just put a wire under haha what a boss.

Also is he wearing graduation ropes?

Busey loves being undercover.

Whoa this movie has everything. Guns, naked babes, Busey being crazy…

I’d say that was a…close shave

Remember when that dude got stabbed several times in the back? He good?

Okay like who tf gave the okay that they could do this sting if these surfer jackholes were part of an ongoing DEA investigation? I’ve seen Law and Order. That isht don’t fly.

—KEANU PUTS TWO AND TWO TOGETHER. BARELY GETS FOUR—

Wait a minute. My group of surfer friends is four people… four ex-presidents…

Look you can’t kill a guy, it looks bad on me. The killing part is fine, but i have to report it

I know the movie isn’t over, because they haven’t used that blind brick trick yet.

Lunch? I wonder what he is gonna get? Two meatball sandwiches?

Classic heist-goes-down-while-cop-is-ordering-lunch trope.

—CHASE SCENE!—

Are they going to stop the bank robbers with meatball sandwiches in their mouths?

Not enough radio-ing for backup in this movie.

“We got ya!” Busey yells as they clearly don’t have them.

“How was your day honey?” “Pretty bad, President Reagan set my gas station ablaze”

Holy wow. Keanu is literally chasing a man on fire wearing a mask. It seems like a really uneven chase, but Keanu is not catching up very quickly.

Reagan just threw a dog at Keanu and he PUNTED it. PETA must hate this movie.

I feel like if they had radio-ed for backup, this wouldn’t have happened.

He couldn’t hurt his friend Bohdi. Their bond is too strong.

I want all of Busey’s shirts.

—THE GROUP GETS SWAYZED INTO A CRAZY PLAN—

For real. Why are the criminals still here? They should have left town. Their house is already all packed up.

Bodie would be a sick cult leader.

She runs out of the house with nothing but a huge shirt. It’s not even Keanu’s, it’s too big for him to wear.

So everyone is fully aware that Keanu and Bodie are like mortal enemies, and yet Keanu is going with Bodie to like a weird mystery activity?

“I can’t go skydiving, I hurt my knee.” Well good thing you don’t need your knee to fall through the sky.

It is ILLEGAL to skydive without any training.

It doesn’t sound like any of these parachutes are going to work TBH

Why didn’t Keanu just NOT jump?

And for a few brief seconds, Keanu forgot that he knows that Bohdi knows he is an FBI agent. And a smile came over his face and they made a sky diving circle.

Again. They are just walking home together like they are all buds.

You guys may be bank robbers and I’m trying to catch you, but thanks for taking me under your wings while skydiving

Sooo… they went skydiving AND THEN he’s like, oh yeah, I’ve got your girlfriend? That’s TWO crimes.

Bodie still tryna get Keanu to break the law. Like Bodie is so screwed.

“I dont think she fell so hard in love with me.” Ok Bohdi settle down, you’re not the romantic hunk you think you are brah.

—THE MOVIE SLOWLY DISINTEGRATES INTO NONSENSICAL GARBLE—

Just to be clear on the plan. Keanu has to rob a bank no mask, aide and abet criminals to save his girlfriend and lose his job?

I’d let her die.

The vault?!?! They never go for the vault!!! That’s why they are so good at robbing banks.

Yelling at that poor lady when she is struggling to open the vault isn’t going to open it up any faster Mr. Nixon.

Yo Bodie just murdered that guy. ON camera. Way to break the fucking rules.

Busey BEGGING someone to take him seriously.

Dude. Busey and Keanu going rogue.

Busey just straight knocked out his boss and then left.

Hahahahaha Melissa is distraught that they parked in the middle of the airport runway.

There’s a new thing called radar?? I’m pretty sure this was made in 1991. Was radar new?

Look Keanu, you just have to let that weird chick you weirdly fell in love with die. Your whole relationship was a lie anyway brah

Everyone is dying in this movie. So fast.

Bodie just give Keanu the girl, she never loved you.

Well close the plane up before you take off Swayze

Yo dude, I know you just got shot a bunch, but we need to skydive.

I’m no doctor but I don’t think the treatment for bullet holes is being pushed out of a plane.

Isn’t all their money on the plane? Why are they skydiving out of the plane?

Can’t wait til Tyler has been dead the whole time.

What oh what is Keanu going to do? Jump out of the plane maybe?

—KEANU JUMPS OUT OF THE PLANE WITH NO PARACHUTE—

NOpe. Nope. No. NOt allowed. Keanu is a crazed psychopath with no understanding of physics. Can’t wait to see him try to fire a bullet while falling at terminal velocity.

Keanu should really get his knee checked out

Keanu got the girl back, but like really, at what cost?

Bohdi and Rosie haven’t talked the entire time that Rosie held Tyler hostage. Why isn’t he curious about what happened to everyone else?

Keanu got so embarassed by the FBI he had to move to Australia.

—FLASH FORWARD TO AUSTRALIA—

“You’d have to be crazy to go out there.” Cue Bodie.

He’s about to go surfing in a once in the lifetime storm/wave. Why is Bohdi wearing a poncho because of the rain?

Patrick Swayze is SUPER COOL about how all his best friends died.

How were there no sharks in this movie?

Keanu really can’t defend the kick to the chest. He’s been taking heat on that all day.

Bodie tries to drown Keanu and he cuffs him. Badass.

WHATTTT? Keanu let’s Patrick surf after he KILLED BUSEY? Like, EVERYONE is watching right now and Keanu just LET him go???

Vaya con dios, brah

For real, fire Keanu.

Overall Rating: D

Comments: I don’t get it. I mean, I get it. It’s got hot babes and guns and surfing and Keanu being Keanu and Busey being Busey and Swayze being decidedly not Swayze. But like, Keanu spends his whole life and all his friends and his sense of style trying to bring Swayze in and then at THE LAST SECOND he uncuffs him, let’s him surf and then THROWS HIS BADGE IN THE WATER. This is how I felt at the end of the Titantic when that boring ass woman threw the diamond in the water and then just died. The whole movie for nothing. Sorry Dowd.

 

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