Labyrinth

A trippy good time!

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Trailer here

With Ben Noble

This movie is my favorite because:

It’s Alice in Wonderland, but with David Bowie.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this movie because:

It’s an 80s classic and what with David Bowie dying and all, I’m surprised no one made you watch it. Also, Dance Magic Dance.

Three parts I’m excited for Darch to see are:

1. Bowie’s first appearance and his…costume?

2. The horrifying junkyard scene

3. The questionably immoral romantic subplot

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

David Bowie and his exploration of weird. There has to be a maze because that is what the word “Labrynith” means. I’m hoping it all revolves around an acid trip gone wrong or maybe it’s a dream of the real David Bowie.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

Who do? You do. Do what? Remind me of a man? What man? A man with the power. What power? The power of voodoo. Who do? You do… If that’s not in the movie, it’ll be really embarrassing that I just typed the whole thing out. I also think there’s a moment where David Bowie looks like a werewolf and is standing on top of the Labrinyth and everything is purple. Or maybe that was a dream I had.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

My mom was really against acid growing up.

Darch types in gray over here.

Ben types in red over here.

—LONGEST OPENING CREDITS EVER—

Jim Henson! I hope Bowie is a dope muppet.

Darch doesn’t know there are puppets in this movie.

Everyone who has ever watched this movie has been on acid.

That owl probably looked cool in the 80s. Now my Pokemon look way better.

—WE MEET YOUNG J. CONNELLY—

She has a book of the movie. Meta.

So much drama. Much acting.

This girl has some crazy PMS or something. She named her bear Lancelot and her dog Merlin and she’s SCREAMING at this baby.

This story is fucking with the baby’s head. Like, he’s already named Toby. Give him a break.

I never noticed how much it looks like they just waterboarded that baby to make it look like it was crying.

Darch lost it when she first saw the Goblin puppets. I think she thinks they’re real.

I want a little Goblin puppet stuffed animal so bad.

This girl is a straight Goblin tease.

When this came out did people think J. Connelly was good lookin’?

“Did she just say ‘Bam Margera, give me my baby back?’” – Darch

Sarah why are you like “Take backsies” on that WEIRD GOBLIN CURSE you just said?

In what world is a glass paperweight a fair trade for a live, human baby? Both totally undesirable, I suppose.

Do you SOLVE a labyrinth or just like NOT DIE in it?

—THEY GO TO THE GOBLIN KINGDOM—

“Well…come on feet” is actually a line in this movie.

Is this Labrynith where JK Rowling got her idea for the third Triwizard task in the Fourth Harry Potter book?

And is this Goblin shooting air at fairies where Javier Bardem got the inspiration for his character in No Country for Old Men?

Isn’t the rule always to go left in the labyrinth?

Is everything wet or glittery?

Who is making the scarves for this worm?

This worm wants her to come inside and meet the missus so bad. I see a threesome coming on in the porn version of this movie.

So far the worm is the villain of the movie, right?

“If she had kept going that way, she would have gone straight to the castle…and then the movie would be over and we wouldn’t have gotten our money’s-worth out of Bowie.”

—THE GOBLIN KING CELEBRATES WITH THE BABY THROUGH SONG—

Jim Henson is so into Chickens as pets.

Darch is going to listen to “Dance Magic Dance” on Spotify 14 times when I leave.

Why 13 hours? If Bowie is full of magical powers, why can’t he speed up time or just transform the baby or something? More questions than answers in this movie.

This is the first time the baby has smiled all movie. Maybe he should stay with the Goblins.

“One of us always tells the truth and one of us always lies” Darch is remembering every math SAT she’s ever aced.

This movie explains a lot about J. Connelly’s acting career.

J. Connelly exploiting Dwarves’ natural weakness for jewelry. A very common piece of mythology.

Would love to play a dwarf version of Boggle called Hoggle

I love that Bowie called her out for constantly saying “It’s not fair!”

Still an hour left to go and J.C. realizes life isn’t fair. Where do we go from here?

—HOGGLE AND J. CONNELLY FORM AN UNLIKELY DUO—

Goblins call the beast a “hippie” as an insult.

“I’m sorry,” she says, Canadian-ly

Of course the weird snuggly minotaur has a speech impediment.

Of course the weird snuggly subhuman pet friend is named Pluto. I see you Mickey.

—SOME RED FIREY THINGS ENTERTAIN THE DRUGGIES—

Okay fans, get out your ecstacy!!!!!

I don’t know a single word the red monkey people are signing.

Why are these creatures pretending like they were playing a game? They were just high.

I love that the worst thing that can possibly happen to you in this entire movie is that you smell really bad. Is that a pain worse than death? I’m not sure.

I also want a stuffed animal Pluto.

Biology is amazing. Even in an ecosystem like the Bog of Eternal Stench, life is flourishing.

I love that the bridge keeper is like a pirate squirrel.

So Pluto is like a rock avatar?

Pluto is like Magneto, but for rocks.

Don’t the rocks have residual stench on them?

This squirrel rides a dog????

From Bowie’s perspective – he really wants to be a dad but lives in a world with a bunch of male Goblins and can’t procreate despite the fact that he has gigantic, sock-shaped junk. Maybe Sarah isn’t the victim here.

—HOGGLE BETRAYS J. CONNELLY WITH DRUGGED FRUIT—

Finally someone admits to being drugged.

Did this movie just become a weird love thing between Bowie and like a 13 year old girl?

Yes.

Drugged peach doesn’t harm JC. Just transports her to Bowie’s weird Phantom of the Opera fantasy.

“How’d babysitting go Sarah?” “I gave Toby away to goblins and now I’m pregnant.”

The trash goblins are by far the scariest part of this whole movie.

It’s like really bright outside for her parents not to be home yet.

Just realized the trash goblin hands her all those objects and stacks them up on her back in an effort to make her into a trash golbin. Holy shit. Horrifying.

Also just realized the trash goblins are hoarders and need help. They are by far the most tragic characters in this movie.

I am glad she thinks her brother’s life is more important than a teddy bear.

*at age 13

—SHE ESCAPES HER MATERIALISM AND MAKES IT TO THE GOBLIN CITY—

Metal goblin monster appears – roll for initiative.

I think Ben is making a Dungeons and Dragons joke?

The dog has HOOVES!

Even in the 80s, old people didn’t know how to use modern tech.

Why did the machine shut down? Because it hit a stone?

Hoggle’s made two friends in one day and can’t even. Just wait until he discovers Facebook.

This dog robot is amazing.

The goblins are VERY bad at hide and seek.

Rock is overpowered. It beats scissors AND goblins.

—SHE ENTERS THE CASTLE—

Oh my god she’s at the gates! This is the line we’ve been waiting for the whole movie. The one she has been rehearsing in front of owls.

Best part of this movie is that Darch STILL doesn’t know how to spell labyrinth.

Oh my god it’s an Escher drawing! So pertinent to math.

“Toby! It’s me! That girl that gave you to the goblin king and screamed at you for no reason!”

I feel like she didn’t have to give him Lancelot. Like probably Gowan the green or even like Ivanhoe would have done just fine.

Moral of the story – Sarah realizes she’s too old to play with dolls.

Her parents are going to be so pissed when they found out she took acid.

End of this movie is the start of Harry Potter…HOLY SHIT BOWIE IS HEDWIG.

Overall Rating: B/B+

Comments: I feel like I enjoyed all the weird and cheesy things that Jim Henson put into the movie, and that all the times I was like “What is happening?” was something Bowie had to really talk Henson into. The movie is fun and weird and overdramatic. It has puppets, which are growing on me and a lot of music and a plot that generally makes no sense. So yeah, I’m into it. Sue me.

 

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