Watchmen

A sausage-fest of a good time!

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Trailer

With Lorne Cox

This is one of my favorite movie because:

It is one, if the best comic book adaptations of all time and the graphic novel is one of my favorites of all time. it’s hard for me to say this is my favorite movie but you have seen almost all of my favorite movies.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

I’m not really shocked but if i had to pick a reason, it would be because we have been dating for 3 years. why haven’t you watched this yet?

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. the tragedy that is Dr. Manhattan.

2. after watching it, i will probably make her read the book so she can see all the similarities and i am excited for that

3. the pay off. i’m sure she will have predicted it by the end because she is good at that but it’s still awesome.

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

A group of superheroes that had to reveal their identities and since then have slowly been disintegrating into nothing. It’s about the bonds they felt as superheroes and losing those bonds as the world changes. Also there’s a super super hero with actual superpowers that could destroy everyone and probably eventually does.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

That yellow smiley face button with blood dripping down it is pretty iconic. If I had to guess, someone almost destroys the planet? Or at least threatens to do so.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I’VE TRIED. I’ve started it three times and fallen asleep every time. One day I will have the strength to make it through. One day. Hopefully today because like, it’s for a blog.

Darch types in gray over here.

Lorne types in red over here.

—THIS GUY GETS MURDERED—

This cigar smoking bum in a bathrobe seems like a great role for RDjr.

All the politicians in this movie are doing great Nixon impressions.

Best fight scene music ever.

The door getting kicked open scared the cat

Bathrobe bum predicting his death “just a matter of time I suppose.”

I’m getting popcorn butter on my keys

This entire house is made of glass.

That granite countertop was made of glass. Everything smashes with the same sound. I feel like they had a terrible foley artist.

—OPENING CREDITS—

Best intro montage of all time

So much not real pop art in this movie.

This blue guy clearly the only guy with real powers.

JFK clearly the only politician playing himself

WHATTT??? Bathrobe bum was on on the grassy knoll???

Uhhh Nixon was a lot of things. One of them was NOT a third term president.

—END OF OPENING CREDITS—

“Did you check the bedroom? Did you find his secret lair?”

I wish Rorschach didn’t have batman voice

I can get behind a good psychology reference in any movie.

No word yet on if this moral batman is a good guy or a bad guy. Like actual batman.

Hollis Mason’s boxing stance always cracks me up

They can’t find Rorschach? His face is literally an ever changing nylon stocking. I feel like most people could pick him out of a crowd.

—RORSCHACH ENLISTS DANIEL INTO HIS FILM NOIR—

MMM cold beans

Is Daniel… a superhero? An ally?

Do these people like the comedian? Did he assassinate JFK? Do they know that?

I want those action figures, Melissa. Christmas is coming up…

—WE MEET THE MOST CONFUSING CHARACTER—

I don’t fully understand how revealing your identity makes you a billionaire or trustworthy or something.

Lorne explaining the movie after I ask all my questions.

Dr. Manhattan speaks like a speech synthesizer.

This blue dude HAS to have a dick right? Is it always just out? That seems dangerous.

It’s always out.

I’ll start typing all explanations here.

Classic Doctor Manhattan just poofing someone away in the middle of a conversation.

This is kind of fucked up. Like this hot girl can’t get what she wants so she goes to dinner with this nerdy guy that clearly loves her but she has no feelings for him. She’s just using him, this husk of a man, for her own fucked up need for human contact.

Melissa is making absurd assumptions so early in the movie like she knows these people.

First “the end is nigh” sighting at the comedian’s funeral.

I’ll freak out if this blue dude just telekinesises the dirt onto the casket at this funeral.

SOOOO many good jokes about the comedian.

Babe… It’s all a joke.

—EVERYONE FLASHES BACK TO HOW TERRIBLE THE COMEDIAN IS—

So… he kills JFK and sexually assaults/assaults one of the members of his crew. Why are people at his funeral again?

Say what you will about the comedian. He is still one of the best written characters of all time.

Doctor Manhattan having a really weird flashback of when he was a giant murdering people in Vietnam just to show me that sometimes he wears a schlong hammock.

The comedian stays keepin it real. He trill

So in this alternate reality we like “won” Vietnam? Is there really any “winning” in Vietnam?

Okay, I know I shouldn’t admit this, but I’m strangely on the comedian’s side here. Blue dude is THE MOST POWERFUL being. He could have changed that moment, and he let that murderer murder a pregnant girl.

If I lived in this world and I saw an unmasked super hero, I would be like “hey, that guy looks like that super hero I saw the other day..”

I thought one of the signs at this protest said “Vagilantes” and that would be awesome.

Comedian always punching the girl first. So funny. Whatever works.

Can we just see like a moment where the comedian shows some redeeming qualities? They have to exist, right?

“Your name was on the list. So was Janey’s.” That little nugget is probably not important at all.

—FINALLY DONE WITH COMEDIAN FLASHBACKS—

Okay This blue dude. I don’t know. Two of him are having sex with his hot girl (no word on when in the timeline this is) and then he’s also working on a bomb or something.

DONGS DONGS DONGS

Okay WTF. Daniel CLEARLY loves you. Don’t go to him after you are recently single.

Why can’t she rebound?

OKay I don’t know why I thought is, but I just sort of assumed that clothes would like melt off of blue guy. He should probably wear clothes more often if he can.

I’m now FULLY against Blue dude. He can change the color of his skin at will? Why is he always that crazy blue then? He just wants attention.

I think the crazy blue is to remind himself and all others that he isn’t a human anymore.

Clothes are pointless at this point.

“Isn’t that right, Miss Slater?” This reporter says as Wednesday Addams walks into the room.

SHE HAS CANCER! Have some decency!

So… if blue dude can cause cancer doesn’t that just make him MORE powerful?

I feel like Dr. Manhattan would have the power to remove cancer too, right?

—WE DELVE INTO BLUE DUDE’S PAST—

We were introduced by a friend in college Wally Weaver. You may have seen him on Leave it to Beaver.

We can agree that Wally and Janey deserved to get cancer for leaving john in the intrinsic field center, right?

Yes. They just stood there and were like “oh shoot, well we can’t change that now.”

I really like that he appears a little at a time. First just his veins, etc.

Why is this blue dude jacked now? He wasn’t muscley before and he doesn’t like… lift stuff with his arms now.

Is lori really old enough to be a superhero if her mom is still giving her rides to and from the meetings?

—THERE’S A WAR WITH THE RUSSIANS I THINK—

Is Spearo Agnew also the VP the whole 3 terms?

Or did Gerald Ford sneak his way into power like in our world?

Feeling bad for this actor playing Nixon with a crazy prosthetic face on.

Fun fact: they used the same masks from point break.

I get that reference! Thanks Colin Dowd.

I never understand anything that is happening with this genius billionaire.

—SOMEONE TRIES TO KILL THE BILLIONAIRE I THINK—

OKay what tf kind of gun can blow two fingers off a woman’s hand and also gently slice in half a man’s glasses? A chauvinist gun.

Exit wounds are usually bigger than the entrance so a bullet could blow two fingers off easy. We didn’t see the back of that guy’s head…

I’m getting super depressed at how much Daniel loves hot girl and how much she doesn’t care.

—RORSCHACH GETS SET UP I THINK—

Almost said “Rorschach does a good job of never ACTUALLY harming people” then I saw the man on fire behind him.

Walter Kovacs significantly shorter than Rorschach was.

Walter just bit that dudes cheek straight off…

Don’t get me wrong, the kidnap/murder of this girl is a great story. I just don’t understand why he’s telling the story to a psychologist.

Melissa is cringing at all of my favorite parts.

I love that Daniel’s ship is basically flying binoculars. It really adds to his “voyeur” brand.

“I got into crimefighting because I was really into birds.” What???

Still not happy with this hot girl exploiting the nerd’s feelings. Glad he’s making her wait.

This movie is better than any marvel movie.

Thank god everyone in that burning building was in one room.

Dan and lori fucked… that was cool.

How does she not wear a bra under pleather?????

—SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENED AND THE PRISON IS JUST ANARCHY I THINK—

I firmly believe they did not have to saw their friend’s hands off. They didn’t even give him a chance.

This is all very confusing. Someone in prison died so it’s anarchy?

The comedian would have hated this prison riot because there are no girls to punch.

This prison fight scene is great, but like, Hot girl and Dan couldn’t sleep earlier and then they saved people from a burning building and then they fucked and they just beat up like A LOT of dudes. I feel like they’d be tired.

2 hours in and there is still an hour left. Starbucks break

There’s a lot of plots in this movie.

Hollis Mason impressively fending off a gang in his old age.

Why do all those gang members have the shogun assassin hair cut?

Seriously. This dong is nuts.

Lori’s lip liner is ridiculous

“In a minute you’re going to tell me that you slept with Dan.” “I’m sorry I slept with Dan.” “You slept with Dan???” Typical man.

Why are people in movies so bad at passwords????

The same way people figure out passwords in movies must be the same way the password was thought of in the first place. “Oh i will just look around my desk until i see something with words on it.”

—THE BILLIONAIRE IS EVIL MAYBE I THINK—

Okay I was onboard for most of the scene where the crazy billionaire is crazy, but why does he have a tiger antelope hybrid pet? Where did that come from?

—THEY ARE IN LIKE A WEIRD CLOCK ON MARS I THINK—

I feel like she should NOT be this sad that her dad is the comedian. I feel like she didn’t really like her dad that much to begin with.

I have no idea what this movie is about.

I just realized how long it’s been since i made it through this whole movie.

—THEY FIGHT THE BILLIONAIRE FOR REASONS UNKNOWN—

I love in movies when a character can simultaneously dodge a punch inches from their face but can’t dodge a giant chair being thrown at them from across the room.

I like the book ending better.

JUST WEAR UNDERWEAR. It’s so weird.

Rorschach never uses pronouns.

Why did Rorschach bring up that the billionaire might be a homosexual in the beginning? I really thought it would come up later.

Only the trillest people die in this movie

—THE BILLIONAIRE JUST SET UP BLUE DUDE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE BOMBED MILLIONS OF AMERICANS. AN ENDS JUSTIFIES THE MEANS MOMENT—

Why couldn’t the Russians and the Americans unite against the billionaire?

Stop bringing up jokes in this movie. I’m so OVER IT.

Babe…it’s all a joke

Where did the hot girl get this dope fur?

Dan was wearing it when they landed archy. Are you even watching?

In this timeline, the twilight zone is called “the outer limits”.

—EVERYTHING IS GREAT MAYBE OR MAYBE IT ISN’T OR MAYBE WE LEARNED SOMETHING OR SOMETHING—

I wonder how this editor would feel about Trump running if he hates the idea of Reagan running.

Overall Rating: I

Comments:  I have no fing clue what happened in this movie. I was never rooting for anyone. Every time I would figure out a plot, it would go away for like an hour and a half. And then when they would bring it back, I’d forget why I cared about it. This ONE MOVIE would make an amazing 6 seasons of television. Where there was like true character development and we could see the full story of their pasts. I think I need to read the 23 books this ONE MOVIE came from and maybe I’ll understand it better. I want to, or my boyfriend will be mad at me.

 

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