The Blair Witch Project

A terrifying good time!

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Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Cait Bladt

This is one of my favorite movie because:

I’m a huge fan of horror movies. I specifically love ones built on suspense and tension and I think Blair Witch is one of the best examples of that in modern horror. Everything is scarier when it’s left up to your imagination and the Blair Witch Project capitalizes on that by never actually showing you…anything. Which I guess is why some people dislike it and I will fight those people. Also, I really enjoy watching people find creative ways out of practical limitations. These filmmakers had no money, so they couldn’t do huge special effects or tricks. So they made their actors go camping and then fucked with them for a week.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

I’m actually not shocked that she hasn’t seen it because she just told me right now that she hates horror movies. So I guess I’m more shocked she let me talk her into watching it.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. She told me someone in middle school told her about the part where there are sticks outside the tent and she was like ¨that doesn’t sound scary.¨ So I’m excited for her to see that in context.

2. That old lady talking about the furry arms is pretty good so sure. That part, too.

3. The end in the cabin, because I also think people’s reactions to that are great.

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

A camping trip where the people are like TRYING to find this “witch” that lives in a forest. There’s definitely some mystery around her. I also know that it’s like the first “found footage” movie (or at least the first one people talked about) and that I’m going to have nightmares.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

I know there’s one point where like, they are in a tent and then they hear something and they come out of the tent and there’s a creepy stick pile that they conclude was not made by animals and instead was made by the witch. There’s also for sure a scene that I’ll replay again in my nightmares tonight.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I really don’t enjoy nightmares.

Darch types in gray over here.

Cait types in red over here.

Full disclosure- I’ve seen the trailer for Blair Witch Project 2 like 5 times today because Hulu.

I haven’t stopped shaking since the DVD menu.

I am delighted by everything that´s happening. And also very concerned that Darch let me talk her into this.

—WE MEET THE FILM MAKERS—

I love that they are listening to like fun cheery music while driving to their inevitable deaths.

I wish there was more 90s music on the soundtrack. You know these hip teens had great taste in 90s alt’rock.

Darch is really struggling with the foreshadowing that´s happening.

FORESHADOWINGNNGNGNGNGNGNNG

Also I’m very happy that they are really easing us into being terrified out of our minds, but like, if I really found this footage, I’d cut this part out. It’s unimportant.

—THEY INTERVIEW THE TOWNSPEOPLE ABOUT THE BLAIR WITCH—

Oh man, I love this part. Fun Fact, the filmmakers didn’t give any of the actors directions on who to talk to and then they went into the town to do interviews. All of the people who ¨know about the Blair Witch¨ are actors they’ve placed in the town.

It’s not true. It’s not true. Mantra of the movie.

We’ve already started talking about murdering kids… eh… I may stop watching halfway through.

This old woman IS the Blair Witch.

Smoking inside! It’s so dated!

I keep forgetting that this movie didn’t have the budget of Fight Club and I keep looking for the image of the Blair Witch in the background.

I personally believe in ghosts exactly enough to not ever fuck with them at all.

They need like ADT around their tents. They keep talking about these murders in this area. Even though I do not believe this witch is real, STILL DON’T GO INTO MURDER TERRITORY.

—THEY CAMP THE FIRST NIGHT—

Nothing is scarier than being the only one awake in a tent while camping.

Also,one time as a kid I swore I heard something cackling in my childhood home at night and I’ve never been more afraid in my LIFE.

“I’m very pleased with our little Mikey” Now he’s going to die first.

NEVER TAKE A SHORT CUT.

Ew look at this dead mouse. A BAD OMEN.

Distention in the ranks. Sounds like a prank of the Blair Motherfucking Witch.

I forgot how early they start bickering.

Going anywhere without smartphones is terrifying in and of itself.

My freshman year of college we decorated our hall for halloween so kids could trick or treat. Everyone else made like cute ghosts and trees and I took sticks from outside and made the Blair Witch Project stick people. I am so good at making friends.

I keep thinking that talking through the movie will make me feel better, but now I think that just staring at my computer screen while just sort of listening to the movie may be the way to watch it.

—CAMPING FOR THE SECOND NIGHT—

Okay it’s night… time to film some trees and rocks.

I never ever ever yell “who’s there?” out in the woods. Rule of life.

“I’m not going down there?” “Why not?” Because he doesn’t have a death wish.

I love Mike. Mike is smart af. Mike is us all.

I think Mike could make it on the jersey shore. “People are going to come down here and play with us. And I don’t like that.”

—THEY START MAKING TERRIBLE DECISIONS—

We’re going a different way to go home because WE LOVE GETTING LOST.

I don’t understand how the new movie will work, what with the SMART PHONES.

YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE LOST. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. STOP LISTENING TO HER.

If I heard noises outside my tent while camping this isn’t a chance in hell I’d leave the tent. No. Way.

I DEFINITELY would not peek my head out and yell “Who’s there?”.

I keep forgetting that one of the cameras ISN’T being held by the Blair Witch and yelling “SHE’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU”.

When I watch scary movies, I usually have the wikipedia page open so I can read ahead of what’s happening.

—I START TO BELIEVE THE MAIN GIRL IS A WITCH—

DUDE. She’s the fucking Blair witch. Oh no, we’re lost, oh no I lost the map… oh no. SHE’S THE WITCH.

HERE’S AN IDEA- Split up.

Michael’s laughing. He never laughs. MAYBE IT’S THE FUCKING BLAIR WITCH. WHAT ARE HER POWERS?

Heather really does need to chill about her shoes.

I’ve never heard anyone yell like this before.

Mikey admits he kicked the map in the creek and everyone freaks out. You haven’t had the map all day. So everyone calm down.

Every other time I watch this movie, I really feel for Heather. This is one of the times that I just can’t stand her.

—THEY FIND HER LAIR OR SOMETHING—

“No Redneck did this. No Redneck is this creative.”

Mike really is the best.

I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this

I feel sort of bad for doing this to you? But also I don’t?

I’m considering this the official start of my Halloween season, aka the best time of the year.

They are breaking all of the rules of camping. Also, stop being fascinated with this shit and you would have lived.

I’m not with her. I want them to just leave and not document anything.

—FUCKING GHOST KIDS ATTACK THE FUCKING TENT—

At least we know all those kids that disappeared aren’t dead but also are still kids somehow.

Mike really is the MVP of this movie. That is my real takeaway of this watch.

Why does this girl keep insisting that she knows the right thing to do. She’s only steered them wrong.

“Why was this blue jelly shit all over my shit?” Because you are the one that is about to die.

This is some bermuda triangle type of shit.

Josh’s turn to be an asshole. It’s about time. I’m glad.

I alway wonder the purpose of “watch.” Unless you’re a soldier and you can fight shit off, why would you be watching for it?

—THEY ARE TOO LOST TO WALK AWAY FROM THEIR OWN PRIVATE HELL, SO THEY JUST CAMP THERE AGAIN, THE GHOST KID PLACE—

“We’re sleeping in essentially the same place we slept last night. It’s fucking me up.” YOU CHOSE THIS LIFE.

—THEY WAKE UP AND JOSH IS GONE—

DO NOT JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR JOSH.

“Which wicked witch is worst? Wicked witch of the east or wicked witch of the west?” “Let’s go east then”  is my favorite exchange.

—NOTHING HAS CHANGED, THEY CAMP AGAIN—

Oh my god. This time fall asleep holding hands.

I would snuggle.

You can’t make kids noises again. I’ll flip out.

JOSH?

They are about to see her and I am NOT LOOKING at the screen because I know I would die in seven days. That’s this movie, right?

LOOK IT’S JUST A PILE OF STICKS TIED TOGETHER WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND’S SHIRT.

We’re potentially staring at a bloody tooth rag. WHY WOULD YOU LOOK INSIDE????

I didn’t want to say this before, but CLIMB A FUCKING TREE AND LOOK FOR SOMETHING YOU RECOGNIZE.

This is when I usually get back on Heather’s side because she really takes one for the team by not telling Mike.

I feel like at this juncture, Mike is not feeling guilty enough about kicking that map into the creek.

MOST FAMOUS NOSTRILS IN MOVIES

Did you ever see the Jimmy Neutron movie? They do a really in depth retelling of this scene in the Jimmy Neutron movie, which is weird in retrospect.

WHERE IS MIKE???

SO MUCH SNOT

Basically any time it’s night I refuse to look at the TV.

—THEY HEAR JOSH AND RUN INTO THE NIGHT AFTER HIM—

“Oh shit, it’s a house” anddddddd my glasses are off.

“OH FUCK OH FUCK ARE YOU SERIOUS ARE YOU SERIOUS? NO.” -Melissa Darch

Cait is insisted that we youtube the last 45 seconds of the movie so I had nightmares.

I would hold hands the whole time I was in this situation. With Josh, with Mike, with myself. Whatever it took.

I thought really understanding the final scene would make me feel better about it. It didn’t.

Sorry my dvd was scratched 😦

Overall Rating: C+

Comments: If you like scary movies this is probably really really great. I mean like, groundbreaking. You’ll probably rave about this movie if you like scary movies and you like reading behind the scenes stuff. A lot of really cool, torturesque stuff happened behind the scenes of the movie and knowing that the directors never talked to the actors for 8 days and just left them like notes and motivation, is SUPER COOL. But if you don’t like scary movies, don’t watch it.

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