Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.
With Jodi Werner
This is one of my favorite movie because:
I love everything that’s campy and sleazy, and this film epitomizes that. When it first debuted, it bombed terribly. It was touted as one of the worst films ever made because it took itself too seriously. Now it’s a cult classic and considered by many to be a masterwork of the trash genre, and it’s particularly celebrated in the LGBTQ community.
I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:
Maybe it’s just me, but my curiosity couldn’t keep me away from this movie as a teenager and young adult. But I’m also scummy as hell, so maybe I’m not really surprised that Darch hasn’t seen it. It’s pretty gross.
The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:
1. “The show is called ‘Goddess’, it ain’t called ‘Classes’!” scene
2. Weird, thrashing-in-the-pool sex scene.
3. Top-notch acting, dazzling costumes and special effects, long, glittery squared-off nails, Ver-sayce dresses, the whole shebang.
I’m pretty sure this movie is about:
Some badass bitches that run a cabaret and the hijinks that ensue. They are constantly the better men in every situation, and the idiots they have to deal with are a total laughingstock. I also expect a lot of women that hit their prime in the 80s in this movie.
Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:
“That’s not as bad as the time Frankie tried to give me the one-two, in the middle of the second act!” “Oh sure, Margie’s got a story about a president…” Also there’s a scene where the new innocent girl thinks she’s in love with a customer, but the vets are like, “Honey, if he’s here, he’s an idiot!” And then everyone laughs.
I haven’t seen this movie because:
I think it’s actually about a strip club? And I’ve never heard of it.
Darch types in gray over here
Jodi types in red over here.
We worked so hard for this movie.
—WE MEET GROWN UP ELIZABETH BERKELEY—
The ol’ 90’s butthole mouth makeup trick
Cute biker chick meets hot single guy. CLASSIC
Sisters of mercy song playing. My whole heart.
Hot bitch won’t talk to cute guy. I’ve seen this movie. It’s called the chase.
“I’m gonna win” YES NOMI
—E BERKS IS PROMISED A CAREER IF SHE WAITS IN THIS CASINO—
Was there ever a year when Vegas was respectable?
The beginning of Nomi’s gambling addiction.
“Sooner or later you’re gonna have to sell it” There is SO much foreshadowing.
You mean the guy that kept “joking” about robbing her, ROBBED HER?
Actually, this movie is 90 percent foreshadowing what’s going to happen in the next 2 hours
I like that Nomi’s tactic is to be a huge bitch to everyone. It’s working though.
—E BERKS OFFICIALLY MOVED TO VEGAS, LIVES IN A TRAILER—
This strip club is super interpretive.
Vegas shows are nothing but gold lame and fake volcanoes apparently
Oh, and awful choreography
And hand gestures!
So many more volcanoes than I imagined at a strip club.
—WE MEET THE HOT HUNK—
Surprise cameo by the mayor from Portlandia.
This girl is the reason hysteria was a mental illness in the 1800s.
I’m sure david bowie and trent reznor were thrilled to bits about their songs being featured
Nomi is terrifyingly turned on by violence.
—AT E BERKS’ STRIP CLUB—
She’s a really sexy baby sucking on that ring pop. also the loosest of loose cannons
I play the gal in the purple dress.
NEW GIRL ALERT!
This owner changes the new girl’s name and her moral code.
Everybody in the 90’s emerges from limos wiping their noses
—THE MAIN DANCER COMES TO THE CLUB TO UNOFFICIALLY AUDITION E BERKS—
The famous stripper saw something in bitch ass Nomi. I don’t know what it is though.
Nomi is an antihero, right?
I was wrong. The hero is this charming black bouncer.
This isnt about gratuitous sex, this is about Nomi PROVING HER WORTH
Cristal connors KNOWS she has some competish
—E BERKS GOES ON A CHARMING DATE WITH BLACK BOUNCER—
ALVIN AILEY is a crazy famous choreographer. This dude studied under ALVIN AILEY and is a bouncer in Las Vegas???
—E BERKS GETS THE AUDITION—
Tony moss is the most quotable person in this whole film
“Come back when you fuck some of this baby fat off”
“THE SHOW IS CALLED GODDESS, IT AINT CALLED CLASSES”
Nomi being a bitch and it working again somehow.
Is the gay guy just named “gay”?
Again why is Nomi pretending like she’s embarrassed by being naked? She’s literally a stripper.
—NOMI STORMS OFF AND RUNS INTO BLACK BOUNCER—
The black guy’s name is just “Smith”? What creative genius was in charge of names?
Literally nobody in vegas can keep a job for more than a few days
“I’m not working her” Smith says before taking her out on a date.
“You can fuck me when you love me.” this is being spray painted in gold on canvas at my wedding.
—NOMI GETS THE PART, QUITS HER JOB, AND GOES TO CELEBRATE WITH BLACK BOUNCER—
As far as I can tell this weird Cheetah owner had only been nice to Nomi.
So this guy that Nomi is continually a bitch to finds a girl that doesn’t suck and Nomi is mad at him?
Listen smith, i know ive known you for about 2 days, but don’t play me like this
I wonder if Nomi’s mispronunciation of Versace inspired Kanye.
—NOMI’S FIRST NIGHT ON STAGE—
Classic girl steps in monkey shit on her first night of performances movie trope.
You know that stage smells terrible
OMG Smith is totally going to give her flowers. And then they fall back in love.
Why does everyone keep saying “brown rice and vegetables” like it’s macaroni and cheese? It’s not a meal!
—NOMI AND THE EVIL GIRL BOND OVER LUNCH—
Everybody knows it’s called puppy chow, btw
Why do evil characters in movies always want someone to be just like them?
It’s starting to make me sad that Elizabeth Berkeley did all this shit to make her career and it flopped.
Nomi SHE SET YOU UP!
Nomi is well known for leaving in a huff.
“An MBA is a degree.” The Mayor is like how do I explain this?
“You want a knuckle sandwich??” is not something i’ve ever heard in dialogue outside of maybe Grease.
—THINGS START HAPPENING REALLY FAST. FAMOUS BITCH’S UNDERSTUDY HURTS HERSELF—
The show they put on is like 9 acts and constantly changing.
Thank God that was the last number of the night. It also sucks that she had to REMAIN ON STAGE IN AGONY while the audience cleared out.
—THE OLD STRIP CLUB GANG VISITS HER SHOW—
Now we know where Lisa Lampanelli got her schtick from
Seriously everyone in this movie is ONLY nice to her.
“Must be weird not having anybody cum on ya” said in a sentimental way.
—NOMI IS GOING TO SLEEP WITH HOT HUNK—
You get in the pool, I’ll turn on these neon palm trees.
This man has way too much money.
Nomi’s realest talent is being able to go down on Kyle McLachlan UNDERWATER
It’s impossible to think of the mayor as a romantic lead.
THEN THE THRASHING STARTS
And that’s sex, folks
She looked worse than a body double being thrown off a building.
So much angry thrusting in this film
—NOMI GETS A CHANCE TO MAKE EXTRA MONEY—
Is “hear Caesar sing” a new euphemism?
Super jealous of that cheeseburger action right now
A LOT of neon lights in this movie. How many people have taken acid and watched this movie?
“We’re getting married.” “You love her?” “I don’t know.”
Nothing in Vegas makes sense.
—NOMI IS MAD AT FAMOUS BITCH AND THEY HAVE A SHOW TONIGHT—
Damn that got REAL fast.
Nomi, acting like the opposite of an innocent person.
Through a series of confusing events, the character no one likes got what she wanted.
NOMI IS FINALLY A STAR. ALL THE FORESHADOWING FINALLY PAYS OFF. IT WASN’T ALL FOR NAUGHT.
Is this movie where Brittney got her Toxic costume?
—NOMI GOES TO A FAMOUS PERSON PARTY—
This party is crazy! Caesar is here!
Andrew Carver aka the Beast from the live-action Beauty and the Beast show from the 90’s
Classic I’ll buy your friend a drink to sleep with you move that I don’t understand.
Rape is okay. It’s vegas, baby!!!
This movie has so many plots.
—THINGS START TO UNRAVEL, HER BEST FRIEND IS IN THE HOSPITAL AND E BERKS JUST GOT FOUND OUT—
Nomi, aka Pollyanna, has lived a thousand lives
Nomi is literally a whore, the thing we’ve all been calling this whole movie.
“You like her? I’ll make sure she gets enough money.” VEGAS BABY!
Nomi’s lesson learned: she should just settle down and open a nail shop
Nomi also knows Karate I guess?
It’s hard to tell where this movie is going.
Cristal was right the whole time. She and Nomi are EXACTLY THE SAME.
Except Crystal’s motivation this whole movie was just a big ol’ crush on a hot young ass.
Nomi had a very full 2 weeks in vegas
—EVERYTHING COMES FULL CIRCLE?—
So Nomi just left everyone wayyy worse off then when she got there?
Overall Rating: D
Comments: Oh man, this movie is terrible. I think that is why the people that love it, really love it, but it is seriously a terrible movie. There is so much going on, none of the characters are remotely likeable, and when we meet one that is likeable, Nomi makes them fuck right off. How was my experience watching this movie with Jodi? 12/10. So much fun and we had a real laugh. Could I ever explain this movie to anyone at any time? No, definitely now.