Toys

A mechanical good time!

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Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Steven Harowitz

This is one of my favorite movies because:
Robin Williams plays an odd character (even for his standards) inside of a very very odd world.  Also it has Joan Cusack as his sister but there is a major twist to her character at the end.
I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:
Honestly, I’m not that shocked.  This movie was not totally on the radar for most of America.
The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:
1. The Joan Cusack twist at the end
2. The whole world getting shown off at the beginning
3. To see Robin Williams in a playful yet naive yet principled character role

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

Robin Williams being just the creepiest. I mean, we’re talking scary voices, flash lights under his chin. The toys probably move on their own and never blink and turn their heads really slowly. I man, just painfully slowly. And the kids in the movie are all named like Eustace. Nothing is going right. It’s a straight up Old English thrill ride.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“Teddy will protect me in my sleep. He has a knife” “Beatrice, where’d your dolly go?” “Hell.”

I haven’t seen this movie because:

The last movie I saw with Robin Williams was One Hour Photo.

Darch types in gray over here.

Steve types in red over here.

This is the fastest we’ve set up a movie and we had to set it up like THIS.

—THE LONGEST OPENING CREDITS OF ALL TIME—

The beginning of this sounds like the intro to Animal Farm.

Already so tense in this movie because I think it’s terrifying.

“MICHAEL GAMBONS IN IT!?”

These ballerinas are Godzillas

I hate when snowmen have legs.

Worst snowman outfit ever.  He has a circle for where his face goes

—STILL THE TITLE SEQUENCE—

 

Hans Zimmer is my boy

Is the whole movie this musical/ballet?

This isn’t even a popular christmas song.  Did they write an original christmas song just for this movie.

The audience is in uniforms. Or a cult.

—STILL THE MOTHER FUCKING TITLE SEQUENCE—

Santa does not FLY A PLANE.

Why are trees getting presents in this reality?

—FINALLY. MOVIE. WE MEET THE MEAN BAD GUY—

The totally unnecessary movement of the stairs off a huge lever gets you totally setup for whats in store.

“I know you haven’t been happy since Vietnam.” SAID NO ONE EVER.

The toy company was given FROM a man that wears a helicopter hat attached to his pace maker TO a man in the military. COMEDY.

There is very little that makes sense at the top of this movie.  Also I am pretty sure this old helper man is from Hook.  He’s the character that loses his marbles.

Someone in this movie has a house that folds out.

The proportions of this movie are FREAKING ME OUT.

—THE DAD DIES AND LEAVES THE COMPANY TO THE MEAN BAD GUY—

Just because you are driving a bumper car in a funeral procession doesn’t mean the funeral limos get to bump into you.  SOMEONE DIED.

The man inside the coffin is laughing and everyone is PRETTY chill about it.

You have to admit, having a barrel of laughs running in your coffin after you died is a pretty solid gag.

“I just love that, tin horns, it just stays with me.” Joan Cusack being crazy in EVERY MOVIE she is in.

—WE SEE THE FACTORY RUNNING WELL—

Cool manufacturing tools, terrible manufacturing.  Really, whats most important?

Every thing in this factory seems unneccessarily expensive. The people that are paid to dance while pretending to work, the machine that are toys to MAKE toys.

Is using a toy to make a toy reverse toy cannibalism?

I wonder if this “focus group” video is really just robin williams improvising with actual people in real life.

This lady just referenced pooping in the bathtub and said “What? We’ve all done it.”

Robin Williams is the reason that a tuxedo in Spanish is called an “esmoking.”

The sisters name is Alopecia? No that can’t be it.

—THE MEAN BAD GUY DOESN’T WANT THE COMPANY—

Old man character is still in his dress uniform, half dead, with a bottle of Whiskey next to his bed. I smell a prequel.

This four star general has two sons, one a toymaker, one a three star general, both disappointments.

Darch turned it up right before the character yelled “You smelly old fart.” It was funny.

Three star gets NO advice from his dad, but gets a date with the hot nurse. Sounds like a W.

—MEAN BAD GUY IS BORED DURING THE MEETING, UNTIL HE HEARS ABOUT CORPORATE ESPIONAGE—

I don’t understand why the brain trust of Joan Cusack and Robin Williams can’t run this factory.

“Guns and Noses” Robin Williams loves ad libbing.

Alcacia?

—WE MEET THE BEST CHARACTER, ENLISTED TO HELP FIND THE SPY—

LL Cool J just popped out of a couch.  Also his dads white.

Joan Cusack is literally eating a white bread sandwich with pills mushed into the bread.

The roll at dinner is in the shape of a bear.  No one can claim they didn’t pay attention to the small details.

OF COURSE this dude takes over the toy company and makes a “War Toy” division.

—ROBIN WILLIAMS AND BAD MEAN GUY HAVE DIFFERENT TAKES ON HOW THE FACTORY SHOULD BE RUN—

So one brother says “Treat your friends like your enemies, and your enemies like your friends.” And the other brother says “Treat your friends like your friends and your enemies like your enemies.”

Anastasia?

—THE FUN FACTORY VERY QUICKLY BECAME A MILITARIZED ZONE—

The check in points have sandbags for NO REASON.

They turned this place into a security state almost over night.  But at least their folks have really snazzy uniforms.  They also have a dance routine.  Seriously. Over night.

They are repainting the mural in his office to be a bunch of robots walking into a camp of some sort. It’s all gray. And all depressing.

—WE MEET THE LOVE INTEREST. FINALLY, SOMETHING INTERESTING—

Robin wright appearance!!! Full 80s.

First sex reference.  About duplication.

“You remind me of my brother” “That’s impossible, we’re opposites.” “That’s what I meant.”

Robin Wright doing a instantaneous dolphin noise makes this movie worth it for me.  She ain’t the bad bitch she usually is from House of Cards.

“I want my string beans quarantined”

“I hate it when food touches.”

Robin Wright doing a very convincing Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions.

LOT of plots happening, but I’m mostly invested in Joan Cusack getting the applesauce sandwich that she asked for.

Alopecia is kind of an asshole.

—BAD MEAN GUY STARTS GETTING INVESTED IN ARCADE GAMES—

Dude, back off the back of that child.  You acting reallllll creep like.

Three Star in his military casuals/fishing gear. Trying out some war arcade games.

This guy is looking to blow-up UN trucks in this video game.  A little on the head don’t you think?

—WHILE ROBIN WILLIAMS IS BEING WHIMSICAL—

Robin Wright is literally using training wheels on her MILES LONG bike ride home.

 

“Will you let me take off your training wheels?”  Sexual metaphor? “It’s gross is all I know” – Darch.

—WHILE THE BAD MEAN GUY IS BEING MANIACAL—

“What if you didn’t need a pilot? What if you could have a remote control plane that flew deadly weapons?” THIS MOVIE INVENTED DRONES.

“These kids playing arcade games have better hand eye coordination than adults” He’s also inventing the plot of War Games and Ender’s Game.

“Always carry a flair”

Three Star’s camouflage is inspired by Porygon.

Theres a duck crossing in the way of the generals golf cart. The ducks are motorized.

—THE MEAN BAD GUY NEEDS MORE SPACE—

One of the people discussing fake vomit: “I’d like a Asian inspired vomit, all of these are very anglican, very ethnocentric.” EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW

Three Star is expanding his offices, and the walls in the factory are LITERALLY closing in on the works. Like, maybe make walls that can’t move? IDK.

If you build it, Joan Cusack will wander around calling for her dead father

There’s a giant elephant commemorating this dude’s grave.

Alostecia?

The trunk blows bubbles!!!!!

—ROBIN WILLIAMS HAS A ROMANTIC PICNIC WITH ROBIN WRIGHT. ROBINS!—

Twin towers? Oh no! What if that plane runs into them later”-Evil Steven. Stevil?

“Pick a state” “New York” “Wrong. Pick again” “California” “Really wrong.” NO ONE WINS THIS GAME.

—A PLAN IS HATCHED TO SNEAK INTO THE RESTRICTED ZONE OF THE FACTORY—

They’re dressed in clockwork orange uniforms for this raid

Their music video is a series of Magritte Paintings.

They are wasting a lot of time on this gag. They should really be stealing whatever they should be stealing. Or whatever.

Their games are amazing.  Over the top brutal with a strange sense of scoring.  You win based off the number of certain brands of cars you destroy.

—ROBIN ESCAPES NEAR DEATH AND GOES TO ROBIN’S HOUSE—

EVERYTHING IS A TOY. They are spying on Robin and Robin using a robot and the antenna is a wind up toy car.

LL Cool J has a fake pair of legs so when hes in the bathroom he has a decoy person in the stall.  I can only imagine the types of attacks hes had while in the bathroom.

End of the day Robin Williams is a real man with real needs. Jamie Foxx’s character is making the robot follow them into the bedroom.

This is the best thing LL Cool J has EVER done.

—BAD MEAN GUY TRIES TO SELL HIS DRONES. NO TAKERS—

Good for them for inserting some random medical humor.  Dude has a pair of scissors inside of his chest from a surgical procedure.  Noticed when searching for a wire with an xray.  

Dude is NUTSO. He is shooting his gun at a fly in his office. And he can’t even kill it.

—THE GROUP GOES IN TO FINALLY TAKE DOWN THE RESTRICTED ZONE—

Three star is letting the group separate like a serial killer in a movie.

“Red usually means caution, or beef if it’s a bouillon cube.”

Hans Zimmer’s greatest work to date. “Hooha hooha hooha hooha”

I love these tanks with Darth Vader helmets.

Darch has never seen Cuttingedge.  This movie stole the blurry slow motion camera technique from Cutting Edge. watch it and tell me im wrong.

Three star is legit shooting at them. This is crazy illegal.

—THE GROUP DECIDES TO FIGHT BACK WITH RANDOM DISCARD TOYS—

“We’re going to fight fire with marshmallows.” So many of these quotes are regretted tattoos.

“Hold until you see the lights in their eyes”

#Breedshillnotbunkerhill

Yo LL just got SHOT in this model of New York City. I know he took that and put it in his rap music.

If I’m being honest with myself, I would want some of these military toys.  If the General weren’t about killing actual people I would be into buying stuff from this dude.

Pretty sure the plane knocked over every building except for the Twin Towers, so we’re good.

There is only one toy that escaped from the entire complex. It was the mortons salt butt bite little girl. Darch corrected me, Coppertone.

The SEA SWINE IS LOOSE.

Joan Cusack has been a robot all along and we just NOW find out we could have called her “Al”?

—EVERYTHING IS BACK TO HAPPY SOMEHOW—

Now four star and three star have matching deathbeds.

Joan Cusack pulls up in her own backyard and says “So this is Paris?”

Alsatia.

Overall Rating: C+

Comments: This movie is crazy. I am surprised it doesn’t have a bigger cult following honestly. It was weird in a way I expect Tim Burton to make movies, but there wasn’t a whole lot of darkness to it. There were some weird parts and sad parts and “Oh Shit, really?” parts, but for the most part it was fun and uplifting. If you are not a human that is currently in love with LL Cool J and would like to be, then boy oh boy is this movie for you.

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