Serial Mom

A proper good time!

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Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Justin Ulrich

This is one of my favorite movie because:

I used to watch corny horror movies all the time with my old roommate. She made me appreciate movies that are funny, not because they’re comedies, but funny because they exist and someone took the time to make them. Serial Mom is the epitome of that.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

It’s the only thing John Waters has made that not cringe-worthy or Hairspray.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. Schizophrenic prank call

2. Demonic-voice sex scene

3. SHE KILLS AN OLD LADY WITH A FUCKING COOKED LEG OF LAMB

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

I mean, a serial killer mom. This one is really obvious. But WHY? I think she’s been a working woman for too long. She loses her job one day and can’t go home to face the kids. She meets a wandering salesman who only shows her kindness and wealth. She is beyond. She must have his money, so she can provide for her family. It starts with just wandering salesman, but then it becomes all the people that ever looked down on her for not having enough money. She ends up killing literally all of the Joneses.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

The scene where she’s sitting on a motel bed and crying over the first traveler she murdered. Also a scene where she’s getting resourceful and feeding her kids like bone marrow o’s for their breakfast serial.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I’ve never heard of it and I’m not super into like, “mom” movies.

Darch types in gray over here.

Justin types in maroon over here.

Average wait time for a movie to start: One hour.

—JUSTIN AND I HAVE TOO MUCH FUN WITH THE OPENING CREDITS—

Who the fuck is Mink Stole?

Patty Hearst is NOT in this movie. She’s in a closet somewhere.

Ricky Lake… you definitely did not peak in high school

—JUST YOUR CLASSIC 1950’s FAMILY WHERE THE MOM IS A PSYCHO—

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When is this movie set? The 50’s?

Oh, no the 90’s.

So Misty is young enough to still be into PeeWee Herman dolls, but old enough to go with “Carl” to Fuck Point without her mom batting an eyelash

—SOMEONE HAS BEEN PRANK CALLING A NEIGHBOR AND THEY SENT TWO DETECTIVES OUT TO INVESTIGATE INSTEAD OF JUST IGNORING IT. WHITE PEOPLE—

So glad to hear that the detectives know the mom is insane. It’s nice to see competent cops every so often in the movies.

“I don’t use bad language” said the lady who just answered the phone “Fuck you cocksucker”

So we’re to believe that this insane 50’s housewife is harrassing a woman because she stole a parking space one time?

—MRS. CRAZY GOES IN FOR PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES FOR SHAGGY—

Queue the racist asshole 90’s principle character

Okay, I’ve been a teacher before and you simply don’t talk to parents like this. It’s literally illegal to recommend therapy.

Oh god… this movie just reminded me that gum use to have two wrappers on it. Gross.

I would definitely say that station wagon is my weapon of choice.

serial-mom-final

—JUST IN TIME FOR DINNER AND THE NIGHTLY NEWS—

I’m glad they timestamp every scene. I wouldn’t have known that them eating meatloaf at the dinner table was around evening time.

It’s always the math teacher that gets murdered. It’s a dangerous job.

“Whoever did this should get the death penalty.” This was Sam Waterston’s first taste of Law & Order.

—THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE SCENE—

Is her bird book just a book of serial killers that she’s in love with?

Who hears their parents fucking and goes to investigate?

Matthew Lilard’s finest role is in She’s All That.

—SERIAL MOM IS JUST A NORMAL HOUSEWIFE THAT JOKES ABOUT MURDERING PEOPLE IN GRAPHIC TERMS. HAHAHA—

The thing that really gets a serial killer’s goose is people that don’t recycle.

Also how are people who drink on the job this so earth conscious.

—CARL, RICKY LAKE’S OBNOXIOUS FUCK BUDDY, DITCHES HER FOR ANOTHER CHICK AND GETS CAUGHT BY THE WRONG PSYCHOPATHIC MOMMA BEAR—

“$3? I guess that’s how I must have marked it…” Um that dude can just change the price of his goods at any moment. It’s a flea market.

I’ve never been to a Men’s bathroom before, but aren’t there usually like, other people?

90’s were the good ol’ days.

You could shit and not wash your hands.

Flea Market bathroom stalls had glory holes.

Take me back.

Why is a man who’s eating something walking into the Men’s bathroom?

—AND… ANOTHER BODY (CARL) IS DISCOVERED—

An overwhelming amount of clues in this movie. The opposite problem of Pretty LIttle Liars.

I love how perturbed she is about Scottie’s lack of wearing his fucking seatbelt

This lady reminds me a lot of my mom, except that she wears pants.

I would love to see the stage directions for this scene. “Yeah, eat the food but like, more ravage-y.”

During this part of the movie, mostly Lorne and Christen talked about keyboards. Hope nothing important happened.

—(WHAT WE MISSED) THE FAMILY IS ONTO SERIAL MOM. SERIAL MOM IS KILLING PEOPLE FASTER. EVERYONE KIND OF KNOWS, BUT NO ONE WANTS TO ADMIT IT. THEY GO TO CHURCH AND EVERYONE IS BACKING AWAY FROM HER LIKE SHE’S THE DEVIL INCARNATE—

Misty has no concern that her mom is going to jail, just that she’s not gonna get laid in high school.

What exactly caused her husband’s change in tune. Was the tape cassette from Ted Bundy not enough evidence for him?

—BEDLAM! PEOPLE ARE RUNNING, SCREAMING FROM SERIAL MOM—

So the horror nerds are helping the Serial Mom escape? And they seem very excited to steal Scotty’s car in the process. This is their day.

Misty is getting with the paparazzi, it kind of seems like everyone is better off.

Best part of the movie incoming.

Lamb sandwich with Mint Jelly looks amazing.

Cooking an entire lamb for lunch is criminal in its own right.

What fucking opulence, lady…

Classic pump fake-switching out the knife for the lamb shank.

—THIRSTY FOR ANOTHER KILL, SERIAL MOM CHASES AFTER SCOTTY—

Foreshadowing the seatbelt coming into play.

They’ve only been amping it up the entire movie.

Even in the face of danger Scotty can’t see that his biggest sin is not wearing a seatbelt.

These fucking rock punkers, punk rockers? Don’t give a fuck that Scotty is being murdered during their show. They arguably like it.

Is it even legal to arrest someone while their name is being chanted?

Every movie should end with a crowd chanting the title of the movie.

—SHE IS TAKEN TO TRIAL—

“My name is Timoty Naselrod.” That sucks dude.

I’m sure John Waters lost his shit when he came up with Timothy Nasslerod for a character name.

Okay. I’ve seen a lot of Law and Order and we ALL know opening statements happen before the prosecution can call a witness to the stand. Also, once they switched representation, Serial Mom should have been able to review all the evidence before just going through cross examination.

Dottie Hinkel. Best character in the movie.

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“Do you recycle?” Really the turning point of the whole case. Rosemary is clearly a bitch killer.

Everyone is waving at Suzanne Somers like she is going to wave back. She isn’t.

—SERIAL MOM IS FREE! DESPITE THE EXISTENCE OF FACTS AND LOGIC—

Why would you try to argue with Serial Mom?

She punched you in the face with a phone, and you still argue with her?

“No, please! Fashion has changed!” Best fight for your life I’ve ever seen.

//giphy.com/embed/TKJUsAHbdNLj2 via GIPHY

Overall Rating: A
Comments: This movie was insane. There were so many moments where I was thinking, “This isn’t really. No one could possibly believe this is correct. Nothing could get crazier” and I was wrong on all counts. It was fun and so stupid and corny. It has to be a cult classic somewhere and I’d love to go see it in a movie theater and like throw lamb at the screen. Besides the fact that she murders people, Serial Mom was actually a pretty good mom, teaching Ricki Lake not to body shame herself and standing up for Matthew Lilard and his weird boyish girlfriend for loving horror movies even when their teachers say it’s bad for them. It’s just you know, we all have our bad days.

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