Return to Oz

A wheelin’ good time!

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Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Annie Niehoff

This is one of my favorite movie because:

It’s a movie from childhood that has everything. Fantasy, adventure,  90s outfits, loveable talking moose heads! It’s a beautiful time when kids movies weren’t afraid to go dark.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

We grew up in the 90s. Right? How old is Darch?

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. The Wheelers!!!

2. Princess Mambi’s heads

3. Gnomes are allergic to chickens!!!!

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

The gang getting back together but it’s like after college and they’ve all moved on with their lives and only the lion doesn’t have a ton going for him so he’s like really pushing that they all get together. But seriously, they are all just really different people now and don’t have a ton to talk about and they’re trying, but it’s just not the same.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“Fuck Toto, we’re STILL not in Kansas.” “Get a fucking heart, Tinman.” “Are you fucking serious?” “Guuuuysss, remember, remember the old dayssss?” -The Lion.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I’ve barely seen the first one.


Darch types in gray over here.

Annie types in maroon over here.

—WE SET THE SCENE, BLANK AF KANSAS—

I forgot that the Wizard of Oz takes place in the neighborhood next to Little House on the Prairie.

“It’s been 6 months since the tornado.” Then how is Dorothy 10 years younger????

So that’s Fairuza Balk. She’s the trashy gal the Water Boy dates on Water Boy the movie.

Maybe this girl needs therapy because the only people she talks to are animals.

THEY HAVE TO PAY A MORTGAGE? To a bank that’s 500 miles away? Just build a secret house.

—THEY GO TO A CREEPY DOCTOR IN A MANSION THAT’S 20 YEARS MORE TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED THAN THE REST OF THE STATE AND THE “THERAPY” IS OF THE ELECTROSHOCK VARIETY—

It’s Tic Toc. This is foreshadowing right now.

Oh good. A brunette needs a good blonde in her life.

SO much foreshadowing right now. If only Darch knew…

So Dorothy is at this insane asylum because she can’t sleep and the bitch head nurse is like “You can take a nap if you’d like?” WOW.

These hospital dudes look like they are from A Clockwork Orange.

How do these hospital dudes go home to their wives? “How was work today hun?” “Pretty good. Only hated myself three times.”

Remember when you said she needed therapy for talking to animals? Well now shes getting electrocuted so she doesn’t do that anymore…”electroshock therapy”

Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared would have a field day with this effed up electroshock machine.

—BLONDE HELPS DOROTHY ESCAPE FROM THE ASYLUM—

Who did it better? Blonde and brunette on a door or Jack and Rose?

door-side-by-side

Wow. Even just being put NEAR the electroshock machine helped Dorothy sleep. IT REALLY WORKS.

—SHE WAKES UP IN A TINY DESERT OF OZ WITH A TALKING HEN—

LUNCH PAIL TREE BITCHES!

Man, I really wish we had these irl.

“Oh look it’s a lunch pail tree!”- Dorothy “What happened to breakfast?”- Hen “BITCH. I just carried your ass across the deadly desert. You do something.” -Dorothy

Bellina is so integral to this story.

I hope a major plot point is that every very creative and colorful character and creature is now just a rock in this lazy ass Oz.

—THE MAKE IT TO THE EMERALD CITY AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE—

I learned that “saxify” means to turn to stone. So that’s what happened to these people. Idk like I looked up that word in the dictionary or something after this movie.

Darch is about to find out what a Wheeler is and its going to change her life forever

—THEY MEET TIC TOC—

That mustache SCREAMS chicken eater.

No reaction from Darch on the Wheelers. My childhood is ruined.

EVERYTHING IN OZ TURNED TO STONE.”

Why do Wheelers have night club outfits on? Everything is gray… and they have pink hair and shiny outfits.

I love how much Tik Tok loves his pail.

—WE MEET PRINCESS MOMMY—

The best part is that only some of these heads have some of her memories.

New head totally doesn’t match that outfit.

I love that Princess Mommy was like “I’ll pick the evil head” and Dorothy was like “Oh, okay.”

Lol Princess Mommy.. It’s Mombi.

—WE MEET JACK SKELETON, I MEAN, JACK PUMPKIN HEAD, AND ANNIE AND I DISCUSS NAPS—

Soooooo Dorothy meets a creature made of sticks that is going to be her best friend for the rest of the movie? This is pretty much a remake of the first fever dream.

Cabinet 31? You mean like, the date of Halloween? I see you L. Frank Baum.

Right after she locks a person in a tower — wait she didn’t even lock it– Princess Mombi be like, NAP TIME!

Does Princess Mommy sleep with a head on?

Like you would think that head has all the time in the world to sleep. Be ready heads. When Mombi puts you on, you should be “on.”

Ahh she doesn’t sleep with a head on!! Trip her Dorothy!

Classic MAN. He gets to action and his brain turns off.

—THEY BUILD A GUMP AND USE IT THE WAY A GUMP SHOULD BE USED—

//giphy.com/embed/106I8HzlnqiVBS

via GIPHY

You know what, these palm tree branches are definitely strong enough to hold a chicken, a pumpkin head with a stick body, a little girl, a machine man, and MY COUCH BODY.

Say what you will about electroshock therapy but Dorothy is getting a lot of good sleep.

This pumpkin is falling at an unreasonable rate.

In Oz, you fall in slow motion.

I wonder how long its been. Is this place like Narnia and when you return its 7 centuries later?

—THEY MAKE IT TO THIS MYSTERY MOUNTAIN WHERE THE NOME KING LIVES—

I love how HUGE Oz is and still Dorothy knows what and where everything is.

The Nome King kind of has a good point. Like everyone in the emerald city, mined his stuff and took it.

L. Frank Baum being like “Don’t take my natural resources away.”

“Important allegories about the American economy.” – L. Frank Baum. I feel like if I understood this more, maybe Trump wouldn’t be president.

—THE NOME KING PROPOSES A WAY FOR THEM TO GET BIZZARO SCARECROW BACK—

I play this game in grocery stores with my family. “Touch the green object and say ‘Oz’”

Here’s a fun and super arbitrary game I just made up now…

Those look just like the helping hands in Labyrinth.

So if I’m correct in all of my thoughts. Dorothy just got shocked in the real world. And the idea of people becoming “ornaments” is like when they are catatonic. Or maybe I should just watch the movie and have fun.

I love this weird ass crossdressing mofo.

Darch makes a good point about the Nome King smoking rocks in his pipe.

He is Tim Curry of the Gnomes

—THE HEADED PRINCESS MOMMY COMES TO YELL AT THE NOME KING THAT SHE MESSED UP AND LET DOROTHY GALE ESCAPE—

“It’s more flowery this way” says the dude wearing a dress and ruby slippers UNSURPRISINGLY.

That’s a robe. But fair.

—DOROTHY SOLVES THE RIDDLE AND STARTS FREEING PEOPLE FROM BEING GREEN KNICK KNACKS, ROCK MONSTER DECIDES TO START EATING HIS FOES

Bellina shit an egg she was so scared.

This Rock monster is poisoned by the promise of new life?

Or the farming industry?? I’m missing the metaphor.

The Nome King’s occupation listed on Wikipedia is “expatriate wanderer.”

 

—THE EMERALD CITY IS REBUILT OVERNIGHT AND THE SCARECROW IS THE KING THE WHOLE GANG IS BACK TOGETHER!—

oz-ending

Everyone is simply BEGGING this 9 year old to marry a 30 year old scarecrow.

“I’ll send you back on one condition. You can ask for anything you’d like at any moment. That’s the condition.”

Why did they have to make the cowardly lion an animatronic??? He looked better as a human in a costume.

Bellina said, “fuck your world, I’m staying here.”

—DOROTHY COMES BACK TO THE FARM, ALL IS FORGIVEN ON BOTH ENDS—

I like the idea that Dorothy is 19 and bringing her soon to be husband home (it was a different time) and Dorothy is like “These are my relatives, they tried to instituionalize me and shock me until I was “better” because I had an active imagination.”

“It’s too nice of day to stay inside.” Aunt Em, it is literally nicer outside than it is in your bunk ass house.

Overall Rating: A
Comments: Wow. What a great movie. It made no sense at times. It was so bizarre I feel like I’ll have nightmares as an adult. Why did they say this movie was a sequel when it has a completely different tone and many of the last movie’s main characters are dramatically changed? I loved the weird creatures even though they were essentially the same as last time. Guy made of nature, guy made of metal, speaking animal, Wicked woman and her semihuman flunkies, “Wise” man that is fooled by a child. I’m going to show my kids this movie when I have some and let them have nightmares about imagination.

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