The Lost Boys

A teen-angsty good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Rafe Dean Williams

This is one of my favorite movie because:

It is the quintessential 80’s horror/adventure flick.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. Sexy Saxophone guy

2. Maggots Michael, you’re eating Maggots

3. Sexy Saxophone guy

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

The Lost Boys. The only lost boys we all know and love. Finally. I’m sick of the dumb spinoffs about Tinkerbell or like when Wendy gets old. WHO CARES? I’m so excited for this animated remake of the original furries. I’m mostly interested in how the two raccoon twins got matching costumes. Did they make the costumes themselves? Or did their mothers make them and then say, “Go get lost, boys.”

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“Peter, I hate Wendy, for real. She’s totally messing with our chill.” “Wendy, more like Yoko.” There’s a scene where all the lost boys in their pj animal onesies meet each other, but every time before they meet, they think each new person is the animal they represent.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I’ve never been able to find it. Thank God Rafe told me about it. I’ve dreamed of it my whole life.

Darch types in gray over here.

Rafe types in maroon over here.

—WE MEET THE LOST BOYS—

Movie opens on killer “Thou Shall not Kill” 80’s riff!

Adults on a merry go round. I’m in.

All the blondes are ancestors of Draco Malfoy.

—THE NEW KIDS IN TOWN MEET THE TOWN—

Lotta missing kids in this town and a sick Doors song.

“Any jobs in this town?” “Nothing legal.” HARDCORE

Obligatory dirt bike! Classic 80’s move.

There’s both all missing kids and also no adults in this town.

“You know what it means when there’s no TV? No MTV!” Solid Logic.

“The second shelf is for my rootbeer.” This dad is my dad.

Granddad is the peepaw I aspire to be.

“You have a TV?” “No, but if you read the TV Guide you don’t need TV.” It’s official. He’s my dad.

—NEW KIDS CHECK OUT THE TOWN… AFTER HOURS—

Oiled up saxophone player appears Darch’s life changed forever.

HOT GIRL ALERT

Who hangs a poster of missing cops?

—MOM LOOKS FOR A JOB, HAIM MEETS THE FROGG BROTHERS—

The straight laced guy from every high school movie is wearing a crazy pink blouse in this movie. NO ONE IS SAFE.

Corey Haim is wearing the sweetest of all dusters, suck it Chuck Norris.

“Look if you’re looking for the diet frozen yogurt store it went out of business.” BEST INSULT

—MICHAEL FINDS THE HOT GIRL AGAIN—

HOT GIRL’S boy is dressed like a confederate soldier.

Yeah they call him lil’ Stonewall Jackson cause he’s a huge cockblocker.

All of  Haim’s shirts are pages printed from children’s books.

Kid on back of bike with no helmet, child endagerment is so the 80’s

—MICHAEL GOES TO THE VAMPIRE LAIR—

They have said “Michael” like ten times in the last nine lines.

Cool ninja turtle like lair young mulleted jack bauer

“This is our hangout. We’ve filled it with cool metal trash.”

Never accept beaver from your grandpa 

Cool rob lowe and molly ringwald posters

Michael just wasted a really good carton of maggots.

Michael took a quick slurp of wine and the HOT GIRL and her boy backed away terrified. Like you’re hanging out in a cave with a bunch of dudes that probably murder people and underage drinking is freaking your out?

Mike love that bandana red mad dog 20/20

If I drank every time someone said “Michael” in this movie I’d be in the ER.

If all of your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you? Michael would.

—MICHAEL COMES HOME AND HAIM IS DISPLEASED—

“Lose the earring Michael, it’s not you” Haim is the Jiminy Cricket of the movie.

This kid finds out his brother is a vampire and immediately threatens to tell mom. Such a little brother.

When did they stop putting missing kids on milk cartons?

This was the sole means of protecting kids from predators for 2 decades…
Breakfast scare tactics.

—HAIM GETS ADVICE FROM THE FROGG BROs TO VAMPIRE PROOF HIS LIFE—

What kind of house has eight cloves of garlic just around?

Is HOT GIRL the Wendy of the whole operation?

The raccoon twins (Frogg bros.) are definitely the coolest. They basically own their own comic book shops. No rules.

I wanted to be the Frogg brothers when I was a kid

“What happens if my mom is dating the head vampire?”

Darch still doesn’t realize that she has met one of the vamp actors in real life.

How does HOT GIRL know Laddie? Siblings? Kidnapped from the same gypsy camp? Time travel companions?

—TO TURN MICHAEL HUMAN AGAIN, THEY HAVE TO KILL THE HEAD VAMPIRE—

Touching brother moment but Edgar frog does not fuck around.

Secret cave hang out with a secret entrance? Very Peter Pan of the Lost Boys.

Great time for a nap Michael

Keeping with Twilight canon, the vampires blood is diamond dust. Some rave girls love this movie.

—THEY DONE FUCKED UP AND NOW THEY REALLY HAVE TO VAMPIRE PROOF THE HOUSE FOR THE BIG BATTLE—

Time for that sweet ass montage.

Is there a garlic farm nearby?

Holy water super soakers, suck it Kevin Mccallister OG home alone move.

The greatest mystery of all is who tf is laddie?

Holy water n garlic holistic chemical peel

All the pipes just exploded blood. Sounds like THE WORST period.

This vampire just died because he was electrocuted by a stereo and then a bunch of fire crackers went off behind him. I think this is “special effects”.

THIS HOUSE IS DESTROYED and no one learned a damn thing.

PopPop put a nice button on it.

Overall Rating: B

Comments: This movie was fun and stupid. It was a really good time to watch. I’m kind of surprised it isn’t like a cult movie, where people like throw maggots at the screen and all dress up like Corey Haim and play fake saxophones. Actually, that sounds really fun. I’m in.

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen

A metaphorical good time!

Trailer

With Ken Moore

This is one of my favorite movie because:

My dad and I are very different, but weird movies were always something we could bond over. So, I have a lot of great memories of watching this movie with my dad. I also love all the cameos and references throughout the movie. I also still really appreciate weird movies.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

I would be shocked if anyone HAD seen this movie.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. A psueodnym-credited cameo by a very famous comedian that you wouldn’t (or maybe would) expect

2.The beginning- I’m wondering how she will like the “call to adventure” scenes

3.The finale- it’s pretty polarizing with the four people who have seen this movie.

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

Wow. This movie is a doozy. I am guessing it is an animated movie about a colorful monster who grew up poor and hated, but honestly just wanted to be a rich baron. He is always imagining his adventures, where he is a true and good hero, and has lots of money and feasts.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“You will never be a baron if you can’t stop munching houses!” There’s a scene where the monster wanders off alone into the rain, crying. He notices that his sword is just a stick and his shield is part of a door of a house he was previously munching. He gives up adventures just in time to start the greatest adventure of his lifetime- learning to love.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

Another movie that I have simply never heard about. The one I wrote about above seems really good though.

Darch types in gray over here.

Ken types in red over here.

I’m already very insecure about watching this.

This movie is so old the PG rating was in BLUE.

We are ten minutes in and just getting to the movie. Darch isn’t sure if it’s live action, in English or if this is all some weird elaborate prank.

—THE MOVIE STARTS WITH A BLOODY WAR—

Already like 100 people have died.

It’s hard to figure out the setting. There’s a lot of British spellings, but also Chinese cannons…

I’m personally offended the Baron Ringhausen is wearing a fake GIANT nose.

This movie is so elaborate with elegant costumes and tons of scenery. It was probably the most expensive movie no one has ever seen.

This pint sized feminist is plagiarizing all of her dad’s theatre posters.

—THERE’S A WAR BUT WE’RE ALL WATCHING A PLAY—

Baron Ringhausen is the only good actor in all of the plays he’s in.

I take it back. There is a real Baron Ringhausen and the nose is accurate.

Eric Idle always gets pulled into his friend’s terrible ideas.

Every character has one exaggerated feature. I don’t think it’s a stereotype, but I feel like I should be offended somehow.

WHAT TOWN IS THIS? No one has the same accent.

1800s Germany was a real melting pot of culture and accents.

Cue: Mr. Magoo laugh.

Cue: weird nudity

Okay Real Baron Munchausen just started telling his side of the story and every is ready in costume WITH PROPS to act it out? I don’t buy it!

I can appreciate the sets in the design of Terry Gilliam now. Neat castles and scenery.

—WE MEET B. MUCH’S CREW OF SUPER TALENTED LEGENDS—

Okay so this whole movie is like if the guy who wrote/directed Holy Mountain was in charge of X-Men.

The men’s eunuch chorus is all made up of Horatio Sanz.

Okay this is like Big Fish if Big Fish had layers like Inception.

The cast is really shaping up. We’ve got legs guy, ears guy, eyes guy and then… some other guy.

Update: Ears is also able to literally blow armies away.

Baron Munchausen is like Tinkerbell. If no one listens to his inane ramblings, a caricature of death pulls out his energy ball and he dies. Unless a little girl saves his life.

—A WAR IS STILL GOING ON IN THE REAL WORLD—

“Go away! I’m trying to die!” -thesis of the movie.

Fun fact, the swimming phenomenon known as “the cannonball” originated in germany when a guy was flown through the air holding a cannonball.

The girl who sees death’s father has REALLY red hair. So does death… coincidence? Or a metaphor that I don’t understand?

First Ken and I argued if a butt was real and now we don’t know if this lady is Jane Krakowski. We’re having a good time.

Sorry, but if there’s two things I know, it’s butts and Jane Krakowski.

They are making a hot air balloon out of underwear. The plot is really picking up.

I just choked on pizza gasping at the murder of this child. She was almost thrown over the side of this jank hot air balloon.

Baron Munchausen’s grumpy old man delivery of lines is genius.

“We’re going to the moon.” “You know the king and queen of the moon? They have detachable heads”

“Their heads go on intellectual discussions and their bodies perform more… bodily functions” Is it sex or farting???????

And NOW the movie begins.It’s about to get real F’in weird….

This old man HATES this child. I hope it works out.

—AGAINST ALL ODDS, THEY MAKE IT TO THE MOON FROM GEORGES MELIES’ 1902 TRIP TO THE MOON—

This is the part of the movie where it helps to watch when you’re a child. You question everything a LOT less.

This is how Step Sister from Planet Weird was dreamed up.

But Robin Williams is not credited in the movie. Instead it’s Ray D Tutto…so.. This movie was too weird for even Robin Williams to claim.

Mystery solved. The bodies were sexing.

“I’m your elephant of Joy” says the King of the Moon sexily.

Jane Krakowski is the Queen of the Moon. She had a fling with the Baron even though she’s 200 times bigger than him. I’m not gonna try to guess how that worked.

Also, she isn’t allowed to speak. Even on the moon the earth is ruled by men.

And now we start the Wizard of Oz portion of the movie.

Legs!

“Her body is with the king. He’s… tickling her feet.” Best euphemism I’ve ever heard.

—THEY ESCAPE AND FALL INTO MOUNT ETNA—

The scene changes from the beautiful scientifically aesthetic moon and stars and right into that part of LOTR where the super orcs are grown out of the earth.

Baron Munchausen introduces himself and says “You may have heard of me” and then the next guy goes “I’m God.” The ULTIMATE “you may have heard of me” but he doesn’t say it. Our God is an Awesome God.

(movie break where we feed the cat some pizza)

Pretty sure the first breasts I saw as a kid were Uma Thurman’s as Venus.

There are A LOT of references I don’t understand but when I see a clam slowly opening I KNOW it’s the Birth of Venus homage.

All these women are into Baron Ringhausen. I guess the nose plays.

This movie is like if Tim Burton had to make a live action Brittish cartoon and was given ALL the drugs.

This movie would be an hour shorter without things like dancing for no reason.

And a cow in the godly bedroom for some reason.

The pint sized feminist is the least likeable character. And the biggest cock block.

And Vulcan throws the Baron in the Augustus Gloop river. It took him five minutes to throw him in. We could easily edit it down to 30 seconds.

This movie got super murdery. And now the Volcano God is like… turned on.

—THEY SURFACE, UPSIDE DOWN, OF COURSE—

They’re near an island. I’m taking bets right now for whether it is ears guy or eyes guy.

It wasn’t an island. It was a giant whale. And… bets are closing.

It’s Monstro from Pinnochio. Killing it with allusions.

There’s a pirate poker game that’s been going on for 20 years. No eating. No drinking. Just poker.

They are all LITERALLY playing games with Death. A metaphor I don’t understand.

Curveball. Eyes AND Ears. And horse.

They’re out of the fish. Because of drugs.

I wish I’d never studied science. I’d like this movie a lot more.

—THEY MAKE IT BACK TO THE WAR AND EVERYONE IS LOSING—

Truly, “Adventures” are a young man’s game.

Very little of this movie makes any sense.

The “guys” are old now. They don’t have powers. Baron is young again because of cartoon physics. Old guys give up. So, the Baron is giving himself up. There. Everyone is caught up.

Negotiating terms of surrender “What about the virgins?” “Please, we are out of virgins.”

The old guys got their powers back! Or they never lost them, or something. Eyes is seeing! Ears is blowing! Horse is jumping!

This movie was the origin of “bullet time” as running guy runs and catches the bullet.

They are filming Legs the same way they film Quick Silver in XMen. This must be every director’s favorite place to get ideas.

The Turks are being defeated. And that is why we don’t have Turks anymore.

The battle is won because of elephants’ well known fear of mice.

The sultan’s tactic has been “hide under this blanket”.

—THE WAR IS WON BY THE VICTORS!—

The poorest town on Earth that has been under siege for years is throwing a damn good impromptu parade.

Bad Napoleon just shot Baron Ringhausen resting his gun on the shoulder of death. A metaphor I don’t understand.

And the Baron is shot, a creepy doctor comes in to save him- but it’s actually Death! And Death pulls out the glowy marble that we all have inside us to add to his collection or something I don’t know.

—WHAT? EVERYTHING HAS BEEN A STORY THE WHOLE TIME—

And then we find out the whole movie was a dream Bob Newhart was having.

“Everyone, who had time for it, lived happily ever after.”

Everyone is back to normal! Horse is still horsing!

The end?

Overall Rating: B+

Comments: This movie was great. I think it’s based on a book and has been made before and this version is about as whimsical as they come. It reminded me of the directing style of Yann Samuel (He did J’eux d’enfants and the Americanized My Sassy Girl) which essentially translates to– this movie is great and no one will ever appreciate it and it is 100% in my wheelhouse. I only gave it a B+ so people didn’t think I was grading it too unfairly.

Labyrinth

A trippy good time!

Trailer here

With Ben Noble

This movie is my favorite because:

It’s Alice in Wonderland, but with David Bowie.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this movie because:

It’s an 80s classic and what with David Bowie dying and all, I’m surprised no one made you watch it. Also, Dance Magic Dance.

Three parts I’m excited for Darch to see are:

1. Bowie’s first appearance and his…costume?

2. The horrifying junkyard scene

3. The questionably immoral romantic subplot

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

David Bowie and his exploration of weird. There has to be a maze because that is what the word “Labrynith” means. I’m hoping it all revolves around an acid trip gone wrong or maybe it’s a dream of the real David Bowie.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

Who do? You do. Do what? Remind me of a man? What man? A man with the power. What power? The power of voodoo. Who do? You do… If that’s not in the movie, it’ll be really embarrassing that I just typed the whole thing out. I also think there’s a moment where David Bowie looks like a werewolf and is standing on top of the Labrinyth and everything is purple. Or maybe that was a dream I had.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

My mom was really against acid growing up.

Darch types in gray over here.

Ben types in red over here.

—LONGEST OPENING CREDITS EVER—

Jim Henson! I hope Bowie is a dope muppet.

Darch doesn’t know there are puppets in this movie.

Everyone who has ever watched this movie has been on acid.

That owl probably looked cool in the 80s. Now my Pokemon look way better.

—WE MEET YOUNG J. CONNELLY—

She has a book of the movie. Meta.

So much drama. Much acting.

This girl has some crazy PMS or something. She named her bear Lancelot and her dog Merlin and she’s SCREAMING at this baby.

This story is fucking with the baby’s head. Like, he’s already named Toby. Give him a break.

I never noticed how much it looks like they just waterboarded that baby to make it look like it was crying.

Darch lost it when she first saw the Goblin puppets. I think she thinks they’re real.

I want a little Goblin puppet stuffed animal so bad.

This girl is a straight Goblin tease.

When this came out did people think J. Connelly was good lookin’?

“Did she just say ‘Bam Margera, give me my baby back?’” – Darch

Sarah why are you like “Take backsies” on that WEIRD GOBLIN CURSE you just said?

In what world is a glass paperweight a fair trade for a live, human baby? Both totally undesirable, I suppose.

Do you SOLVE a labyrinth or just like NOT DIE in it?

—THEY GO TO THE GOBLIN KINGDOM—

“Well…come on feet” is actually a line in this movie.

Is this Labrynith where JK Rowling got her idea for the third Triwizard task in the Fourth Harry Potter book?

And is this Goblin shooting air at fairies where Javier Bardem got the inspiration for his character in No Country for Old Men?

Isn’t the rule always to go left in the labyrinth?

Is everything wet or glittery?

Who is making the scarves for this worm?

This worm wants her to come inside and meet the missus so bad. I see a threesome coming on in the porn version of this movie.

So far the worm is the villain of the movie, right?

“If she had kept going that way, she would have gone straight to the castle…and then the movie would be over and we wouldn’t have gotten our money’s-worth out of Bowie.”

—THE GOBLIN KING CELEBRATES WITH THE BABY THROUGH SONG—

Jim Henson is so into Chickens as pets.

Darch is going to listen to “Dance Magic Dance” on Spotify 14 times when I leave.

Why 13 hours? If Bowie is full of magical powers, why can’t he speed up time or just transform the baby or something? More questions than answers in this movie.

This is the first time the baby has smiled all movie. Maybe he should stay with the Goblins.

“One of us always tells the truth and one of us always lies” Darch is remembering every math SAT she’s ever aced.

This movie explains a lot about J. Connelly’s acting career.

J. Connelly exploiting Dwarves’ natural weakness for jewelry. A very common piece of mythology.

Would love to play a dwarf version of Boggle called Hoggle

I love that Bowie called her out for constantly saying “It’s not fair!”

Still an hour left to go and J.C. realizes life isn’t fair. Where do we go from here?

—HOGGLE AND J. CONNELLY FORM AN UNLIKELY DUO—

Goblins call the beast a “hippie” as an insult.

“I’m sorry,” she says, Canadian-ly

Of course the weird snuggly minotaur has a speech impediment.

Of course the weird snuggly subhuman pet friend is named Pluto. I see you Mickey.

—SOME RED FIREY THINGS ENTERTAIN THE DRUGGIES—

Okay fans, get out your ecstacy!!!!!

I don’t know a single word the red monkey people are signing.

Why are these creatures pretending like they were playing a game? They were just high.

I love that the worst thing that can possibly happen to you in this entire movie is that you smell really bad. Is that a pain worse than death? I’m not sure.

I also want a stuffed animal Pluto.

Biology is amazing. Even in an ecosystem like the Bog of Eternal Stench, life is flourishing.

I love that the bridge keeper is like a pirate squirrel.

So Pluto is like a rock avatar?

Pluto is like Magneto, but for rocks.

Don’t the rocks have residual stench on them?

This squirrel rides a dog????

From Bowie’s perspective – he really wants to be a dad but lives in a world with a bunch of male Goblins and can’t procreate despite the fact that he has gigantic, sock-shaped junk. Maybe Sarah isn’t the victim here.

—HOGGLE BETRAYS J. CONNELLY WITH DRUGGED FRUIT—

Finally someone admits to being drugged.

Did this movie just become a weird love thing between Bowie and like a 13 year old girl?

Yes.

Drugged peach doesn’t harm JC. Just transports her to Bowie’s weird Phantom of the Opera fantasy.

“How’d babysitting go Sarah?” “I gave Toby away to goblins and now I’m pregnant.”

The trash goblins are by far the scariest part of this whole movie.

It’s like really bright outside for her parents not to be home yet.

Just realized the trash goblin hands her all those objects and stacks them up on her back in an effort to make her into a trash golbin. Holy shit. Horrifying.

Also just realized the trash goblins are hoarders and need help. They are by far the most tragic characters in this movie.

I am glad she thinks her brother’s life is more important than a teddy bear.

*at age 13

—SHE ESCAPES HER MATERIALISM AND MAKES IT TO THE GOBLIN CITY—

Metal goblin monster appears – roll for initiative.

I think Ben is making a Dungeons and Dragons joke?

The dog has HOOVES!

Even in the 80s, old people didn’t know how to use modern tech.

Why did the machine shut down? Because it hit a stone?

Hoggle’s made two friends in one day and can’t even. Just wait until he discovers Facebook.

This dog robot is amazing.

The goblins are VERY bad at hide and seek.

Rock is overpowered. It beats scissors AND goblins.

—SHE ENTERS THE CASTLE—

Oh my god she’s at the gates! This is the line we’ve been waiting for the whole movie. The one she has been rehearsing in front of owls.

Best part of this movie is that Darch STILL doesn’t know how to spell labyrinth.

Oh my god it’s an Escher drawing! So pertinent to math.

“Toby! It’s me! That girl that gave you to the goblin king and screamed at you for no reason!”

I feel like she didn’t have to give him Lancelot. Like probably Gowan the green or even like Ivanhoe would have done just fine.

Moral of the story – Sarah realizes she’s too old to play with dolls.

Her parents are going to be so pissed when they found out she took acid.

End of this movie is the start of Harry Potter…HOLY SHIT BOWIE IS HEDWIG.

Overall Rating: B/B+

Comments: I feel like I enjoyed all the weird and cheesy things that Jim Henson put into the movie, and that all the times I was like “What is happening?” was something Bowie had to really talk Henson into. The movie is fun and weird and overdramatic. It has puppets, which are growing on me and a lot of music and a plot that generally makes no sense. So yeah, I’m into it. Sue me.