Hausu (House)

A bewitching good time!

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Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Lindsay

This is one of my favorite movies because

It’s so bonkers in the way that only a 1970s Japanese horror movie could be. 

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

I’m not. No one has seen this movie. 

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. The ridiculous (and sometimes offensive)  character names
2. Pretty sure there’s some weird watermelon-based body horror
3. I recall there also being uncomfortable visual metaphors for menstruation

 

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

I know it is Japanese because of the title and because Lindsay told me it is a Japanese horror movie. So I am feeling like there is going to be some sort of Godzilla-esque monster named Hausu. Hausu is misunderstood by all except for Miko, a girl with a backpack. She knows how to quell the monster with SCIENCE (and a little bit of telekinesis). As the monster grows ever stronger, Miko has QUITE the ticking clock before the world ends, or worse, her boyfriend leaves.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“I’ll know how to defeat Hausu if I can crack this ancient code!” “Wait! That’s what Hausu wants us to think. We should do the opposite instead.” “Which means… Hausu has been  here before!” There’s also a scene with A LOT of flashing lights when Hausu is walking just above the secret cave where Miko is running all of the experiments and the ground is shaking and everything seems terrible until Miko cracks the code.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I wouldn’t know how to find it if I tried.


Darch types in gray over here.

Lindsay types in maroon over here.

Alright so excited for this weirdness.

Really hoping to find out that Monster House is just an homage to this movie.

—WE MEET THE TWO MAIN CHARACTERS, BEST BEST FRIENDS—

Characters named thus far: Gorgeous and Fantasy. These are teenage girls. Also a lot of weird fade-edits.

Good to see that gym teachers around the world universally only wear track suits and carry basketballs.

—GORGEOUS DOESN’T GET HER DREAM VACATION BECAUSE HER DAD BRINGS HOME A POTENTIAL NEW WIFE—

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Shots fired at Ennio Morricone early in the movie.

“Hey meet your new ghost mom, honey.”

Her REAL mom has the same scarf that ghost mom has. A SYMBOL???

—WE MEET THE GANG

Melody is the girl who plays music. Kung Fu is the sporty one. Prof is the brainy one with Harry Potter glasses. Mac is the fat one who’s always eating because MacDonalds GET IT. Sweet is…nice?

Fantasy is the one that makes movies. And Gorgeous is… only valuable because of her looks?

—THE GANG GOES TO GORGEOUS’ ESTRANGED AUNT’S HOUSE THAT THEY DEFINITELY TRUST—

Ordering their deaths now. 1 Fatso, 2 brains, 3 music 4 Sweet 5 Kung Fu 6 and 7 Fantasy and Gorgeous at THE SAME DAMN TIME.

Darch is right now predicting the fluffy white cat murders everyone. I am not saying how close she is.

Step-mom is planning to crash the party at Auntie’s house: “It’ll be my first trial in becoming her mother.” How about, I dunno, talk to her about her period or something instead of being a buzzkill?

If this white scarf is not a symbol for something, I’m retiring this blog.

—FOR NO REAL REASON WHATSOEVER, THEIR (HOT?) TEACHER IS GOING TO THEIR AUNT’S HOUSE AS WELL—

Amazing bucket scene. Johnny Depp in Benny and Joon would be jealous.

Their teacher has to go to the hospital because he has a bucket stuck on his butt. 1970s Japan’s healthcare system was out of control.

“Only a witch cat can close a door.” Gonna have to start spreading that around.

—WE HEAR THE STORY OF THE CURSE—

hausu-video

I legit like the storytelling device of playing a flashback and having the characters react as if they can actually see it.

So far the weirdest part of the movie is not that the cat has an everlasting life and never ages. It’s the backgrounds on the train.

Or maybe the girls ‘witnessing’ footage of an atom bomb explosion and cheerily crying, “It looks like a cotton candy!”

Prof says ghosts don’t exist, she’s asking for a murderin’.

—THEY GET CLOSE TO THE AUNT’S HOUSE AND MEET A MYSTERIOUS BEING—

Hmmm we’ll just stop at this random fruit stand and pick up a watermelon and a curse.

That man has a face that inspires toads.

So great and weird that Murder Auntie is waiting in her wheelchair as the door opens, with her tiny sunglasses like some kind of FDR ghost.

Okay for sure Auntie is going to eat their souls so she can live forever until her hubby comes back.

—THEY GET INSIDE THE HOUSE AND IT WASTES NO TIME TRYING TO KILL THEM—

KUNG FU ALWAYS READY TO KARATE CHOP A ROGUE CHANDELIER

OMG She is going to steal all of their talents too.

This is a straight-up Fantasia house.

“Maybe the cat came out of the picture.” THESE GIRLS are better detectives than the Pretty LIttle Liars.

—MAC DIES FIRST, AS PREDICTED—

I FORGOT MAC’S SEVERED HEAD GOES FOR THAT BOOTY

hausu booty.gif

OMG I’m pretty good at calling stuff but I was wayyyyy off on this one.

OH WOW AUNTIE IS SUDDENLY HUNGRY?????? You mean like MAC’S TALENT???

I hate to be stereotypical, but it is very Japanese that these seven high school girls assigned someone as a ‘leader’ while on summer vacation.

—AUNTIE TALKS THEM OUT OF WORRYING, EVERYONE THINKS FANTASY MADE UP THE  WHOLEMAC-IS-DEAD THING—

Kung Fu definitely the hero. Can’t talk me out of it.

KF is absolutely my favorite.

Everyone keeps blaming “illussions” like David Blaine is even alive yet.

Okay I need to call out that KF got attacked by haunted logs that ripped her skirt off, she punched the shit outta them, and then surveyed the carnage and said “This is ridiculous.”

—THE GIRLS FOOLISHLY SPREAD OUT ALONE IN THE SCARY HOUSE—

THIS MOVIE INVENTED CAT ON A PIANO YOUTUBE VIDEOS.

Gorgeous just walking through a ghost house at night, brushing her hair and wearing all white.

Uh oh Gorgeous, Ghost Aunt is going to be pissed if you mess up her devil worshipping shrine to dead hubby.

One of my favorite parts that I forgot about is the weird Australopithecus skeleton that dances with everyone.

Okay legit Fantasy is the most tragic character in this movie. She just can’t do anything to help it.

She is the one that keeps finding the bodies.

—SWEET IS MURDERED BY BEDDING THAT SHE WAS OBSESSED WITH AND THE GIRLS ARE LIKE, MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE—

Wow Gorgeous, you’re acting strange. We have this incredibly important call to make… why don’t you do it?

So just to be clear on one of the plot lines, Mr. Togo, who is marrying the gym teacher for non-love related reasons is unable to take the girls on a trip and instead is coming to a random student’s aunt’s house to… hang?

Prof’s cold, unfeeling logic in the face of HER FRIEND’S SEVERED HAND IN A JAR is really inspiring.

OMG STOP LEAVING PEOPLE ALONE WITH FANTASY.

Melody getting eaten by this piano while laughing the whole time is a particularly gruesome part that I also forgot.

hausu piano.gif

Okay, new take on an old movie. Fantasy is actually a psychopath and having blackouts where she murders all of her friends.

Really thought Brains would have died, but I guess her brains saved her. I was spot on about Kung Fu and Fantasy lasting long though.

—WE MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT CARING ABOUT A MAN, BUT NOW WE ARE EXPECTING HIM TO SAVE US—

Mr. Togo has time to stop for ramen but not to save the girls from damnation.

This movie also posits that the only thing more permanent than death is the need to get a ring on it.

Also Mr. Togo wins the Oscar for most incompetent man in a girl power movie.

—THEY READ AUNTIE’S DIARY/GRIMOIRE AND FIND OUT THAT THEY NEED TO KILL NOT THE CAT BUT THE IMAGE OF THE CAT—

The sound of a baby crying while blood sprays from a cat’s mouth in a painting is a preeeeeetty heavy symbol.

hausu cat blood.gif

—MR. TOGO IS NOT HAVING MUCH LUCK GETTING INFORMATION FROM FROG MAN—

Full-frontal nudity from Prof, the dark horse in that race.

Brains was killed by her glasses, and her inability to swim in blood. Guess you can’t learn that in a book.

The demise of this evil witch was kicking a cat picture. Also now there’s like a young boy from JUMANJI on a door near the stairs situation happening, but with crocodile and more VERY THIN blood.

Oh, Fantasy, you’re so cute. You see your friend dressed in a wedding gown come down the stairs as the house fills with blood, you think she’s still okaaaaay.

—EVERYONE IS DEAD EXCEPT GORGEOUS WHO IS NOW EMBODIED BY HER AUNT AND HER STEPMONSTER APPROACHES THE HOUSE—

This movie is POINTEDLY a pro-marriage campaign.

I really distinctly remember suspecting Step-mom when I first watched this, anticipating a whole “this scarf keeps my head on” thing. It’s too prominent a motif for her to be underutilized.

Step Monster’s folly was… wind?

hausu wind.gif

So I’m still not sure if this movie comes down as pro- or anti-ghost. Cuz Murder Auntie’s voiceover at the end is like, “But love is important and we must keep telling stories of love.”

—THE MOVIE ENDS AND LINDSAY AND I SPEND ABOUT 30 MINUTES READING THE SAME WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE AND TELLING EACH OTHER THINGS FROM IT—

Real line from the Wikipedia article: “[Director] Obayashi recalled that his producer told him that [production company] Toho was tired of losing money on comprehensible films and were ready to let Obayashi direct the House script, which they felt was incomprehensible.”

Overall Rating: A

Comments: WOW this movie is fantastic. It is weird and confusing at times and there are honestly moments where you have to say “Well, that was ridiculous” and move on. But this movie was visually complex, stunning and interesting. It was intentionally cheesy at moments and intentionally crazy, weird and outlandish at others. It is something that I will honestly never forget. So many moments are 100% unique to this movie. It truly was ahead of its time.

Serial Mom

A proper good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Justin Ulrich

This is one of my favorite movie because:

I used to watch corny horror movies all the time with my old roommate. She made me appreciate movies that are funny, not because they’re comedies, but funny because they exist and someone took the time to make them. Serial Mom is the epitome of that.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

It’s the only thing John Waters has made that not cringe-worthy or Hairspray.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. Schizophrenic prank call

2. Demonic-voice sex scene

3. SHE KILLS AN OLD LADY WITH A FUCKING COOKED LEG OF LAMB

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

I mean, a serial killer mom. This one is really obvious. But WHY? I think she’s been a working woman for too long. She loses her job one day and can’t go home to face the kids. She meets a wandering salesman who only shows her kindness and wealth. She is beyond. She must have his money, so she can provide for her family. It starts with just wandering salesman, but then it becomes all the people that ever looked down on her for not having enough money. She ends up killing literally all of the Joneses.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

The scene where she’s sitting on a motel bed and crying over the first traveler she murdered. Also a scene where she’s getting resourceful and feeding her kids like bone marrow o’s for their breakfast serial.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I’ve never heard of it and I’m not super into like, “mom” movies.

Darch types in gray over here.

Justin types in maroon over here.

Average wait time for a movie to start: One hour.

—JUSTIN AND I HAVE TOO MUCH FUN WITH THE OPENING CREDITS—

Who the fuck is Mink Stole?

Patty Hearst is NOT in this movie. She’s in a closet somewhere.

Ricky Lake… you definitely did not peak in high school

—JUST YOUR CLASSIC 1950’s FAMILY WHERE THE MOM IS A PSYCHO—

serial-momfamily

When is this movie set? The 50’s?

Oh, no the 90’s.

So Misty is young enough to still be into PeeWee Herman dolls, but old enough to go with “Carl” to Fuck Point without her mom batting an eyelash

—SOMEONE HAS BEEN PRANK CALLING A NEIGHBOR AND THEY SENT TWO DETECTIVES OUT TO INVESTIGATE INSTEAD OF JUST IGNORING IT. WHITE PEOPLE—

So glad to hear that the detectives know the mom is insane. It’s nice to see competent cops every so often in the movies.

“I don’t use bad language” said the lady who just answered the phone “Fuck you cocksucker”

So we’re to believe that this insane 50’s housewife is harrassing a woman because she stole a parking space one time?

—MRS. CRAZY GOES IN FOR PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES FOR SHAGGY—

Queue the racist asshole 90’s principle character

Okay, I’ve been a teacher before and you simply don’t talk to parents like this. It’s literally illegal to recommend therapy.

Oh god… this movie just reminded me that gum use to have two wrappers on it. Gross.

I would definitely say that station wagon is my weapon of choice.

serial-mom-final

—JUST IN TIME FOR DINNER AND THE NIGHTLY NEWS—

I’m glad they timestamp every scene. I wouldn’t have known that them eating meatloaf at the dinner table was around evening time.

It’s always the math teacher that gets murdered. It’s a dangerous job.

“Whoever did this should get the death penalty.” This was Sam Waterston’s first taste of Law & Order.

—THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE SCENE—

Is her bird book just a book of serial killers that she’s in love with?

Who hears their parents fucking and goes to investigate?

Matthew Lilard’s finest role is in She’s All That.

—SERIAL MOM IS JUST A NORMAL HOUSEWIFE THAT JOKES ABOUT MURDERING PEOPLE IN GRAPHIC TERMS. HAHAHA—

The thing that really gets a serial killer’s goose is people that don’t recycle.

Also how are people who drink on the job this so earth conscious.

—CARL, RICKY LAKE’S OBNOXIOUS FUCK BUDDY, DITCHES HER FOR ANOTHER CHICK AND GETS CAUGHT BY THE WRONG PSYCHOPATHIC MOMMA BEAR—

“$3? I guess that’s how I must have marked it…” Um that dude can just change the price of his goods at any moment. It’s a flea market.

I’ve never been to a Men’s bathroom before, but aren’t there usually like, other people?

90’s were the good ol’ days.

You could shit and not wash your hands.

Flea Market bathroom stalls had glory holes.

Take me back.

Why is a man who’s eating something walking into the Men’s bathroom?

—AND… ANOTHER BODY (CARL) IS DISCOVERED—

An overwhelming amount of clues in this movie. The opposite problem of Pretty LIttle Liars.

I love how perturbed she is about Scottie’s lack of wearing his fucking seatbelt

This lady reminds me a lot of my mom, except that she wears pants.

I would love to see the stage directions for this scene. “Yeah, eat the food but like, more ravage-y.”

During this part of the movie, mostly Lorne and Christen talked about keyboards. Hope nothing important happened.

—(WHAT WE MISSED) THE FAMILY IS ONTO SERIAL MOM. SERIAL MOM IS KILLING PEOPLE FASTER. EVERYONE KIND OF KNOWS, BUT NO ONE WANTS TO ADMIT IT. THEY GO TO CHURCH AND EVERYONE IS BACKING AWAY FROM HER LIKE SHE’S THE DEVIL INCARNATE—

Misty has no concern that her mom is going to jail, just that she’s not gonna get laid in high school.

What exactly caused her husband’s change in tune. Was the tape cassette from Ted Bundy not enough evidence for him?

—BEDLAM! PEOPLE ARE RUNNING, SCREAMING FROM SERIAL MOM—

So the horror nerds are helping the Serial Mom escape? And they seem very excited to steal Scotty’s car in the process. This is their day.

Misty is getting with the paparazzi, it kind of seems like everyone is better off.

Best part of the movie incoming.

Lamb sandwich with Mint Jelly looks amazing.

Cooking an entire lamb for lunch is criminal in its own right.

What fucking opulence, lady…

Classic pump fake-switching out the knife for the lamb shank.

—THIRSTY FOR ANOTHER KILL, SERIAL MOM CHASES AFTER SCOTTY—

Foreshadowing the seatbelt coming into play.

They’ve only been amping it up the entire movie.

Even in the face of danger Scotty can’t see that his biggest sin is not wearing a seatbelt.

These fucking rock punkers, punk rockers? Don’t give a fuck that Scotty is being murdered during their show. They arguably like it.

Is it even legal to arrest someone while their name is being chanted?

Every movie should end with a crowd chanting the title of the movie.

—SHE IS TAKEN TO TRIAL—

“My name is Timoty Naselrod.” That sucks dude.

I’m sure John Waters lost his shit when he came up with Timothy Nasslerod for a character name.

Okay. I’ve seen a lot of Law and Order and we ALL know opening statements happen before the prosecution can call a witness to the stand. Also, once they switched representation, Serial Mom should have been able to review all the evidence before just going through cross examination.

Dottie Hinkel. Best character in the movie.

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“Do you recycle?” Really the turning point of the whole case. Rosemary is clearly a bitch killer.

Everyone is waving at Suzanne Somers like she is going to wave back. She isn’t.

—SERIAL MOM IS FREE! DESPITE THE EXISTENCE OF FACTS AND LOGIC—

Why would you try to argue with Serial Mom?

She punched you in the face with a phone, and you still argue with her?

“No, please! Fashion has changed!” Best fight for your life I’ve ever seen.

//giphy.com/embed/TKJUsAHbdNLj2 via GIPHY

Overall Rating: A
Comments: This movie was insane. There were so many moments where I was thinking, “This isn’t really. No one could possibly believe this is correct. Nothing could get crazier” and I was wrong on all counts. It was fun and so stupid and corny. It has to be a cult classic somewhere and I’d love to go see it in a movie theater and like throw lamb at the screen. Besides the fact that she murders people, Serial Mom was actually a pretty good mom, teaching Ricki Lake not to body shame herself and standing up for Matthew Lilard and his weird boyish girlfriend for loving horror movies even when their teachers say it’s bad for them. It’s just you know, we all have our bad days.

The Lost Boys

A teen-angsty good time!

Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Rafe Dean Williams

This is one of my favorite movie because:

It is the quintessential 80’s horror/adventure flick.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. Sexy Saxophone guy

2. Maggots Michael, you’re eating Maggots

3. Sexy Saxophone guy

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

The Lost Boys. The only lost boys we all know and love. Finally. I’m sick of the dumb spinoffs about Tinkerbell or like when Wendy gets old. WHO CARES? I’m so excited for this animated remake of the original furries. I’m mostly interested in how the two raccoon twins got matching costumes. Did they make the costumes themselves? Or did their mothers make them and then say, “Go get lost, boys.”

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“Peter, I hate Wendy, for real. She’s totally messing with our chill.” “Wendy, more like Yoko.” There’s a scene where all the lost boys in their pj animal onesies meet each other, but every time before they meet, they think each new person is the animal they represent.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I’ve never been able to find it. Thank God Rafe told me about it. I’ve dreamed of it my whole life.

Darch types in gray over here.

Rafe types in maroon over here.

—WE MEET THE LOST BOYS—

Movie opens on killer “Thou Shall not Kill” 80’s riff!

Adults on a merry go round. I’m in.

All the blondes are ancestors of Draco Malfoy.

—THE NEW KIDS IN TOWN MEET THE TOWN—

Lotta missing kids in this town and a sick Doors song.

“Any jobs in this town?” “Nothing legal.” HARDCORE

Obligatory dirt bike! Classic 80’s move.

There’s both all missing kids and also no adults in this town.

“You know what it means when there’s no TV? No MTV!” Solid Logic.

“The second shelf is for my rootbeer.” This dad is my dad.

Granddad is the peepaw I aspire to be.

“You have a TV?” “No, but if you read the TV Guide you don’t need TV.” It’s official. He’s my dad.

—NEW KIDS CHECK OUT THE TOWN… AFTER HOURS—

Oiled up saxophone player appears Darch’s life changed forever.

HOT GIRL ALERT

Who hangs a poster of missing cops?

—MOM LOOKS FOR A JOB, HAIM MEETS THE FROGG BROTHERS—

The straight laced guy from every high school movie is wearing a crazy pink blouse in this movie. NO ONE IS SAFE.

Corey Haim is wearing the sweetest of all dusters, suck it Chuck Norris.

“Look if you’re looking for the diet frozen yogurt store it went out of business.” BEST INSULT

—MICHAEL FINDS THE HOT GIRL AGAIN—

HOT GIRL’S boy is dressed like a confederate soldier.

Yeah they call him lil’ Stonewall Jackson cause he’s a huge cockblocker.

All of  Haim’s shirts are pages printed from children’s books.

Kid on back of bike with no helmet, child endagerment is so the 80’s

—MICHAEL GOES TO THE VAMPIRE LAIR—

They have said “Michael” like ten times in the last nine lines.

Cool ninja turtle like lair young mulleted jack bauer

“This is our hangout. We’ve filled it with cool metal trash.”

Never accept beaver from your grandpa 

Cool rob lowe and molly ringwald posters

Michael just wasted a really good carton of maggots.

Michael took a quick slurp of wine and the HOT GIRL and her boy backed away terrified. Like you’re hanging out in a cave with a bunch of dudes that probably murder people and underage drinking is freaking your out?

Mike love that bandana red mad dog 20/20

If I drank every time someone said “Michael” in this movie I’d be in the ER.

If all of your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you? Michael would.

—MICHAEL COMES HOME AND HAIM IS DISPLEASED—

“Lose the earring Michael, it’s not you” Haim is the Jiminy Cricket of the movie.

This kid finds out his brother is a vampire and immediately threatens to tell mom. Such a little brother.

When did they stop putting missing kids on milk cartons?

This was the sole means of protecting kids from predators for 2 decades…
Breakfast scare tactics.

—HAIM GETS ADVICE FROM THE FROGG BROs TO VAMPIRE PROOF HIS LIFE—

What kind of house has eight cloves of garlic just around?

Is HOT GIRL the Wendy of the whole operation?

The raccoon twins (Frogg bros.) are definitely the coolest. They basically own their own comic book shops. No rules.

I wanted to be the Frogg brothers when I was a kid

“What happens if my mom is dating the head vampire?”

Darch still doesn’t realize that she has met one of the vamp actors in real life.

How does HOT GIRL know Laddie? Siblings? Kidnapped from the same gypsy camp? Time travel companions?

—TO TURN MICHAEL HUMAN AGAIN, THEY HAVE TO KILL THE HEAD VAMPIRE—

Touching brother moment but Edgar frog does not fuck around.

Secret cave hang out with a secret entrance? Very Peter Pan of the Lost Boys.

Great time for a nap Michael

Keeping with Twilight canon, the vampires blood is diamond dust. Some rave girls love this movie.

—THEY DONE FUCKED UP AND NOW THEY REALLY HAVE TO VAMPIRE PROOF THE HOUSE FOR THE BIG BATTLE—

Time for that sweet ass montage.

Is there a garlic farm nearby?

Holy water super soakers, suck it Kevin Mccallister OG home alone move.

The greatest mystery of all is who tf is laddie?

Holy water n garlic holistic chemical peel

All the pipes just exploded blood. Sounds like THE WORST period.

This vampire just died because he was electrocuted by a stereo and then a bunch of fire crackers went off behind him. I think this is “special effects”.

THIS HOUSE IS DESTROYED and no one learned a damn thing.

PopPop put a nice button on it.

Overall Rating: B

Comments: This movie was fun and stupid. It was a really good time to watch. I’m kind of surprised it isn’t like a cult movie, where people like throw maggots at the screen and all dress up like Corey Haim and play fake saxophones. Actually, that sounds really fun. I’m in.

The Blair Witch Project

A terrifying good time!


Never seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Cait Bladt

This is one of my favorite movie because:

I’m a huge fan of horror movies. I specifically love ones built on suspense and tension and I think Blair Witch is one of the best examples of that in modern horror. Everything is scarier when it’s left up to your imagination and the Blair Witch Project capitalizes on that by never actually showing you…anything. Which I guess is why some people dislike it and I will fight those people. Also, I really enjoy watching people find creative ways out of practical limitations. These filmmakers had no money, so they couldn’t do huge special effects or tricks. So they made their actors go camping and then fucked with them for a week.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

I’m actually not shocked that she hasn’t seen it because she just told me right now that she hates horror movies. So I guess I’m more shocked she let me talk her into watching it.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. She told me someone in middle school told her about the part where there are sticks outside the tent and she was like ¨that doesn’t sound scary.¨ So I’m excited for her to see that in context.

2. That old lady talking about the furry arms is pretty good so sure. That part, too.

3. The end in the cabin, because I also think people’s reactions to that are great.

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

A camping trip where the people are like TRYING to find this “witch” that lives in a forest. There’s definitely some mystery around her. I also know that it’s like the first “found footage” movie (or at least the first one people talked about) and that I’m going to have nightmares.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

I know there’s one point where like, they are in a tent and then they hear something and they come out of the tent and there’s a creepy stick pile that they conclude was not made by animals and instead was made by the witch. There’s also for sure a scene that I’ll replay again in my nightmares tonight.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

I really don’t enjoy nightmares.

Darch types in gray over here.

Cait types in red over here.

Full disclosure- I’ve seen the trailer for Blair Witch Project 2 like 5 times today because Hulu.

I haven’t stopped shaking since the DVD menu.

I am delighted by everything that´s happening. And also very concerned that Darch let me talk her into this.

—WE MEET THE FILM MAKERS—

I love that they are listening to like fun cheery music while driving to their inevitable deaths.

I wish there was more 90s music on the soundtrack. You know these hip teens had great taste in 90s alt’rock.

Darch is really struggling with the foreshadowing that´s happening.

FORESHADOWINGNNGNGNGNGNGNNG

Also I’m very happy that they are really easing us into being terrified out of our minds, but like, if I really found this footage, I’d cut this part out. It’s unimportant.

—THEY INTERVIEW THE TOWNSPEOPLE ABOUT THE BLAIR WITCH—

Oh man, I love this part. Fun Fact, the filmmakers didn’t give any of the actors directions on who to talk to and then they went into the town to do interviews. All of the people who ¨know about the Blair Witch¨ are actors they’ve placed in the town.

It’s not true. It’s not true. Mantra of the movie.

We’ve already started talking about murdering kids… eh… I may stop watching halfway through.

This old woman IS the Blair Witch.

Smoking inside! It’s so dated!

I keep forgetting that this movie didn’t have the budget of Fight Club and I keep looking for the image of the Blair Witch in the background.

I personally believe in ghosts exactly enough to not ever fuck with them at all.

They need like ADT around their tents. They keep talking about these murders in this area. Even though I do not believe this witch is real, STILL DON’T GO INTO MURDER TERRITORY.

—THEY CAMP THE FIRST NIGHT—

Nothing is scarier than being the only one awake in a tent while camping.

Also,one time as a kid I swore I heard something cackling in my childhood home at night and I’ve never been more afraid in my LIFE.

“I’m very pleased with our little Mikey” Now he’s going to die first.

NEVER TAKE A SHORT CUT.

Ew look at this dead mouse. A BAD OMEN.

Distention in the ranks. Sounds like a prank of the Blair Motherfucking Witch.

I forgot how early they start bickering.

Going anywhere without smartphones is terrifying in and of itself.

My freshman year of college we decorated our hall for halloween so kids could trick or treat. Everyone else made like cute ghosts and trees and I took sticks from outside and made the Blair Witch Project stick people. I am so good at making friends.

I keep thinking that talking through the movie will make me feel better, but now I think that just staring at my computer screen while just sort of listening to the movie may be the way to watch it.

—CAMPING FOR THE SECOND NIGHT—

Okay it’s night… time to film some trees and rocks.

I never ever ever yell “who’s there?” out in the woods. Rule of life.

“I’m not going down there?” “Why not?” Because he doesn’t have a death wish.

I love Mike. Mike is smart af. Mike is us all.

I think Mike could make it on the jersey shore. “People are going to come down here and play with us. And I don’t like that.”

—THEY START MAKING TERRIBLE DECISIONS—

We’re going a different way to go home because WE LOVE GETTING LOST.

I don’t understand how the new movie will work, what with the SMART PHONES.

YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE LOST. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. STOP LISTENING TO HER.

If I heard noises outside my tent while camping this isn’t a chance in hell I’d leave the tent. No. Way.

I DEFINITELY would not peek my head out and yell “Who’s there?”.

I keep forgetting that one of the cameras ISN’T being held by the Blair Witch and yelling “SHE’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU”.

When I watch scary movies, I usually have the wikipedia page open so I can read ahead of what’s happening.

—I START TO BELIEVE THE MAIN GIRL IS A WITCH—

DUDE. She’s the fucking Blair witch. Oh no, we’re lost, oh no I lost the map… oh no. SHE’S THE WITCH.

HERE’S AN IDEA- Split up.

Michael’s laughing. He never laughs. MAYBE IT’S THE FUCKING BLAIR WITCH. WHAT ARE HER POWERS?

Heather really does need to chill about her shoes.

I’ve never heard anyone yell like this before.

Mikey admits he kicked the map in the creek and everyone freaks out. You haven’t had the map all day. So everyone calm down.

Every other time I watch this movie, I really feel for Heather. This is one of the times that I just can’t stand her.

—THEY FIND HER LAIR OR SOMETHING—

“No Redneck did this. No Redneck is this creative.”

Mike really is the best.

I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this

I feel sort of bad for doing this to you? But also I don’t?

I’m considering this the official start of my Halloween season, aka the best time of the year.

They are breaking all of the rules of camping. Also, stop being fascinated with this shit and you would have lived.

I’m not with her. I want them to just leave and not document anything.

—FUCKING GHOST KIDS ATTACK THE FUCKING TENT—

At least we know all those kids that disappeared aren’t dead but also are still kids somehow.

Mike really is the MVP of this movie. That is my real takeaway of this watch.

Why does this girl keep insisting that she knows the right thing to do. She’s only steered them wrong.

“Why was this blue jelly shit all over my shit?” Because you are the one that is about to die.

This is some bermuda triangle type of shit.

Josh’s turn to be an asshole. It’s about time. I’m glad.

I alway wonder the purpose of “watch.” Unless you’re a soldier and you can fight shit off, why would you be watching for it?

—THEY ARE TOO LOST TO WALK AWAY FROM THEIR OWN PRIVATE HELL, SO THEY JUST CAMP THERE AGAIN, THE GHOST KID PLACE—

“We’re sleeping in essentially the same place we slept last night. It’s fucking me up.” YOU CHOSE THIS LIFE.

—THEY WAKE UP AND JOSH IS GONE—

DO NOT JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR JOSH.

“Which wicked witch is worst? Wicked witch of the east or wicked witch of the west?” “Let’s go east then”  is my favorite exchange.

—NOTHING HAS CHANGED, THEY CAMP AGAIN—

Oh my god. This time fall asleep holding hands.

I would snuggle.

You can’t make kids noises again. I’ll flip out.

JOSH?

They are about to see her and I am NOT LOOKING at the screen because I know I would die in seven days. That’s this movie, right?

LOOK IT’S JUST A PILE OF STICKS TIED TOGETHER WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND’S SHIRT.

We’re potentially staring at a bloody tooth rag. WHY WOULD YOU LOOK INSIDE????

I didn’t want to say this before, but CLIMB A FUCKING TREE AND LOOK FOR SOMETHING YOU RECOGNIZE.

This is when I usually get back on Heather’s side because she really takes one for the team by not telling Mike.

I feel like at this juncture, Mike is not feeling guilty enough about kicking that map into the creek.

MOST FAMOUS NOSTRILS IN MOVIES

Did you ever see the Jimmy Neutron movie? They do a really in depth retelling of this scene in the Jimmy Neutron movie, which is weird in retrospect.

WHERE IS MIKE???

SO MUCH SNOT

Basically any time it’s night I refuse to look at the TV.

—THEY HEAR JOSH AND RUN INTO THE NIGHT AFTER HIM—

“Oh shit, it’s a house” anddddddd my glasses are off.

“OH FUCK OH FUCK ARE YOU SERIOUS ARE YOU SERIOUS? NO.” -Melissa Darch

Cait is insisted that we youtube the last 45 seconds of the movie so I had nightmares.

I would hold hands the whole time I was in this situation. With Josh, with Mike, with myself. Whatever it took.

I thought really understanding the final scene would make me feel better about it. It didn’t.

Sorry my dvd was scratched 😦

Overall Rating: C+

Comments: If you like scary movies this is probably really really great. I mean like, groundbreaking. You’ll probably rave about this movie if you like scary movies and you like reading behind the scenes stuff. A lot of really cool, torturesque stuff happened behind the scenes of the movie and knowing that the directors never talked to the actors for 8 days and just left them like notes and motivation, is SUPER COOL. But if you don’t like scary movies, don’t watch it.