Dick

A giggling good time!

Haven’t seen the movie? Me neither! Watch the trailer here.

With Christen Ringhausen

This is one of my favorite movie because:

Wouldn’t go as far as to put this in the top 10, but two girls taking on the world? Seems fitting.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

She loves ‘teen’ movies. Plus, it’s political and nerdy!

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. Not see, HEAR. The soundtrack gives me life.

2. Very last scene. American flag outfits. ‘You suck….. DICK!’ (Need I say more?)

3. Michelle Williams singing Olivia Newton John into Nixon’s secret white house tapes.

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

I mean, knowing Christen, it really could just be about Women sleeping around. But I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and go a more Dick Tracy direction. I’m going to guess it’s about a boy named Richard but everyone calls him Dick. And boy, does he hate it. All he wants is someone to call him Rich, but it just won’t happen. The movie starts with him waking up being called Dick by his dick older brother and hating it. But when he wins the heart of the school and they all start chanting his name, he finds out maybe, he’s been a Dick all along.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick!” “You can’t jump the pond, Dick!”

I haven’t seen this movie because:

My mother never would have allowed such a filthy movie in our house.

Darch types in gray over here.

Christen types in red over here.

Red. Like the color of periods. Or lipstick. This is such a girl movie.

Christen is making us watch the movie on volume “19”. So controlling.

—JOURNALISTS WON’T REVEAL DEEP THROAT—

WILL FERRELL. Already in love with this movie.

I hate Will Ferrell. If I would have remembered he was in this movie, I would have picked a different one.

I thought the whole movie was a Larry King show. Phew.

—MICHELLE AND KD ARE BEING TEENS—

Michelle Williams is amazing.

I will NEVER admit that I love Kirsten Dunst.

It’s US.

Classic creepizoid business man watching teenage girls.

He literally just ‘slurped.’

Can’t wait for two innocent girls to get caught up in the scandal of the century.

These girls live in a hotel, right?

THE WATERGATE COMPLEX.

It’s us, but I don’t tell Christen that she’s a genius this often.

Also, I’m KD, right?

I wish I was Michelle, but I feel like I’m probably the dingy-er one. #lesigh

A man just entered with a sweet moustache. Molestache. Thigh-tickler.

LOVING that their defense mechanism was yelling and voo-dooing handsing the man.

— CLASS FIELD TRIP TO THE WHITE HOUSE—

I take it back, you’re totally Kirsten. Happier.

 

HEY I recognize you and heres a piece of paper with gum on it and ALL THE IMPORTANT INFORMATION IN THE MOVIE. Souvenir!

Nixon pacing in his office complaining that his dog doesn’t like him. Like THAT’S the problem plaguing America.

—THE MEET THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES—

What exactly is a yam? A sweet potato?

I would take any job offered to me by the President. Even Dog walker.

I’d inquire about the pay rate.

‘War is not healthy for children and other living things,’ says Arlene. She should run for Miss America.

“I have something to say” says the 15 year old girl to HENRY MFing KISSINGER.

—THEY GO TO KD’s HOUSE—

“Your brother is being deported.” Deported? Drafted? Same thing?

“Let’s bake the president cookies!” People are so better off nowadays being raised by television.

YAAAAS accidently baking pot cookies for POTus.

—BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE WITH POT COOKIES—

WTF? Everyone is just cool with these teenagers in the white house.

‘It’s alright. I’m familiar with these two young ladies… Well, not familiar-familiar, obviously.’ Good save.

Are we to believe, honestly, BELIEVE that these girls are somehow stopping this war?

Okay, now the girls are just wandering around on their own?

I wonder if Nixon’s friends referred to him as ‘Milhous.’

Also, they are the official white house dog walkers…. and SECRET YOUTH ADVISORS.

“Checkers pooped” “The President’s dog doesn’t poop, he does his business.” “Ohh.”

I’m pretty sure the movie is 90% improv. “Nice painting of a boat.”

—NO ONE BELIEVES THEY KNOW THE PRESIDENT—

I’m also loving hippie poetry class. I wish we’d had this earlier.

THEY JUST TAUGHT DICK THE DOUBLE PEACE SIGN.

Are we to believe, honestly, BELIEVE that no one in the white house smokes weed?

Per the lack of commentary, we must be REALLY into this movie. SCORE!

—THINGS PROGRESS QUICKLY, THE GIRLS WATCH THE NEWS—

NOW THEY ARE CALLING THE PRESIDENT???

‘There must be something you desire,’ says the president. ‘YOUR DICK,’ says Arlene’s brain.

The President, trying to subtly bribe a girl who has literally never heard the word “bribe” before.

Anna Geyster is a queen in this role.

One of my favorite scenes.

These girls find a secret recorder in the President’s desk and their first thought is let’s confess our completely inappropriate love for this old man????

This is also a 18 minute love letter.

—THEY CONFRONT NIXON—

‘We don’t think you’ve been honest with us….’ [MONOLOGUE ABOUT WATERGATE FROM NIXON] ‘Actually, it’s just about the dog. You act like you like him but we don’t think you do.’

SERIOUSLY? They’ve uncovered the biggest mystery in Politics and they are just all on about the dog?

These 15 year olds DROPPING KNOWLEDGE. “If you stay, you’re as bad as he is.”

—THE GIRLS GET BORED AND CALL IN A HOT TIP—

Prank phone calls? Let’s just unravel the biggest mystery of all time???????

This guy just had to brush his hair away from his face so he could hear. Maybe he could cool it with the hairspray???

I’m honestly surprised his shirt isn’t half open to show you his sweet 70s chains.

Dog just ate the MOST IMPORTANT document.

—THEY MEET IN SECRET WITH THE JOURNALISTS—

GENIUS. One only has paper, one only has a pen.

I’ve never described a human as ‘fleshy.’ Going to have to store that adjective away.

“Give me skin Daddy.” “No.” Good call Will.

Why have we not been counting the number of dick jokes? New drinking game? I think YES.

‘You’re so late, your TV dinners are ice cold. In fact, they’re frozen again.’ There is NOTHING more depressing than that.

Ummmmmm if I were a single mom, I would not want my hot new lover hitting on my daughter in front of me.

—THE GIRLS START BEING WATCHED—

The fake business on the side of this van is just “The Plumbers.” No funny slogan even.

I love in movies that garbage bags that people jump into are always just filled with packing peanuts. No one ever throws away raw meat or like wire hangers in the movies.

And, Ryan Reynold’s first movie (at least in my mind). Three mins of screentime, baby.

I feel like we’re glazing over the fact that Ryan Reynolds said “My dad’s an arms dealer”.

Third time in the movie they’ve used the old scream in their faces and run tactic and it’s WORKED.

—THEY ARE OFFICIALLY DEEP THROAT—

“We’re never going to reveal your identity. It’s just too embarrassing.”

These journalists are such shlubs.

But they have the thickest neck knots around.

—NIXON IS IMPEACHED—

Betsy, Betsy, stop trying on that hat alone in the store and watch this wall of tvs with me!

I feel like my eyes are going to see the world in only sepia for at least a solid day after this flick ends.

Everyone’s life was DRASTICALLY changed because of Watergate and these girls are just like making clothes.

Overall Rating: A

Comments: I loved this movie. I have suggested it to a weird amount of people since. It’s just fun and stupid and funny. No thought required. it is a great movie to watch while you’re during something else. Seriously, watch it. If you can stand girls giggling and being idiots while unknowingly taking down a President, this is YOUR MOVIE. (Also, maybe the only movie)

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen

A metaphorical good time!

Trailer

With Ken Moore

This is one of my favorite movie because:

My dad and I are very different, but weird movies were always something we could bond over. So, I have a lot of great memories of watching this movie with my dad. I also love all the cameos and references throughout the movie. I also still really appreciate weird movies.

I am shocked Darch hasn’t seen this because:

I would be shocked if anyone HAD seen this movie.

The three parts I’m most excited for Darch to see are:

1. A psueodnym-credited cameo by a very famous comedian that you wouldn’t (or maybe would) expect

2.The beginning- I’m wondering how she will like the “call to adventure” scenes

3.The finale- it’s pretty polarizing with the four people who have seen this movie.

Darch

I’m pretty sure this movie is about:

Wow. This movie is a doozy. I am guessing it is an animated movie about a colorful monster who grew up poor and hated, but honestly just wanted to be a rich baron. He is always imagining his adventures, where he is a true and good hero, and has lots of money and feasts.

Famous scenes/lines I think are in this movie:

“You will never be a baron if you can’t stop munching houses!” There’s a scene where the monster wanders off alone into the rain, crying. He notices that his sword is just a stick and his shield is part of a door of a house he was previously munching. He gives up adventures just in time to start the greatest adventure of his lifetime- learning to love.

I haven’t seen this movie because:

Another movie that I have simply never heard about. The one I wrote about above seems really good though.

Darch types in gray over here.

Ken types in red over here.

I’m already very insecure about watching this.

This movie is so old the PG rating was in BLUE.

We are ten minutes in and just getting to the movie. Darch isn’t sure if it’s live action, in English or if this is all some weird elaborate prank.

—THE MOVIE STARTS WITH A BLOODY WAR—

Already like 100 people have died.

It’s hard to figure out the setting. There’s a lot of British spellings, but also Chinese cannons…

I’m personally offended the Baron Ringhausen is wearing a fake GIANT nose.

This movie is so elaborate with elegant costumes and tons of scenery. It was probably the most expensive movie no one has ever seen.

This pint sized feminist is plagiarizing all of her dad’s theatre posters.

—THERE’S A WAR BUT WE’RE ALL WATCHING A PLAY—

Baron Ringhausen is the only good actor in all of the plays he’s in.

I take it back. There is a real Baron Ringhausen and the nose is accurate.

Eric Idle always gets pulled into his friend’s terrible ideas.

Every character has one exaggerated feature. I don’t think it’s a stereotype, but I feel like I should be offended somehow.

WHAT TOWN IS THIS? No one has the same accent.

1800s Germany was a real melting pot of culture and accents.

Cue: Mr. Magoo laugh.

Cue: weird nudity

Okay Real Baron Munchausen just started telling his side of the story and every is ready in costume WITH PROPS to act it out? I don’t buy it!

I can appreciate the sets in the design of Terry Gilliam now. Neat castles and scenery.

—WE MEET B. MUCH’S CREW OF SUPER TALENTED LEGENDS—

Okay so this whole movie is like if the guy who wrote/directed Holy Mountain was in charge of X-Men.

The men’s eunuch chorus is all made up of Horatio Sanz.

Okay this is like Big Fish if Big Fish had layers like Inception.

The cast is really shaping up. We’ve got legs guy, ears guy, eyes guy and then… some other guy.

Update: Ears is also able to literally blow armies away.

Baron Munchausen is like Tinkerbell. If no one listens to his inane ramblings, a caricature of death pulls out his energy ball and he dies. Unless a little girl saves his life.

—A WAR IS STILL GOING ON IN THE REAL WORLD—

“Go away! I’m trying to die!” -thesis of the movie.

Fun fact, the swimming phenomenon known as “the cannonball” originated in germany when a guy was flown through the air holding a cannonball.

The girl who sees death’s father has REALLY red hair. So does death… coincidence? Or a metaphor that I don’t understand?

First Ken and I argued if a butt was real and now we don’t know if this lady is Jane Krakowski. We’re having a good time.

Sorry, but if there’s two things I know, it’s butts and Jane Krakowski.

They are making a hot air balloon out of underwear. The plot is really picking up.

I just choked on pizza gasping at the murder of this child. She was almost thrown over the side of this jank hot air balloon.

Baron Munchausen’s grumpy old man delivery of lines is genius.

“We’re going to the moon.” “You know the king and queen of the moon? They have detachable heads”

“Their heads go on intellectual discussions and their bodies perform more… bodily functions” Is it sex or farting???????

And NOW the movie begins.It’s about to get real F’in weird….

This old man HATES this child. I hope it works out.

—AGAINST ALL ODDS, THEY MAKE IT TO THE MOON FROM GEORGES MELIES’ 1902 TRIP TO THE MOON—

This is the part of the movie where it helps to watch when you’re a child. You question everything a LOT less.

This is how Step Sister from Planet Weird was dreamed up.

But Robin Williams is not credited in the movie. Instead it’s Ray D Tutto…so.. This movie was too weird for even Robin Williams to claim.

Mystery solved. The bodies were sexing.

“I’m your elephant of Joy” says the King of the Moon sexily.

Jane Krakowski is the Queen of the Moon. She had a fling with the Baron even though she’s 200 times bigger than him. I’m not gonna try to guess how that worked.

Also, she isn’t allowed to speak. Even on the moon the earth is ruled by men.

And now we start the Wizard of Oz portion of the movie.

Legs!

“Her body is with the king. He’s… tickling her feet.” Best euphemism I’ve ever heard.

—THEY ESCAPE AND FALL INTO MOUNT ETNA—

The scene changes from the beautiful scientifically aesthetic moon and stars and right into that part of LOTR where the super orcs are grown out of the earth.

Baron Munchausen introduces himself and says “You may have heard of me” and then the next guy goes “I’m God.” The ULTIMATE “you may have heard of me” but he doesn’t say it. Our God is an Awesome God.

(movie break where we feed the cat some pizza)

Pretty sure the first breasts I saw as a kid were Uma Thurman’s as Venus.

There are A LOT of references I don’t understand but when I see a clam slowly opening I KNOW it’s the Birth of Venus homage.

All these women are into Baron Ringhausen. I guess the nose plays.

This movie is like if Tim Burton had to make a live action Brittish cartoon and was given ALL the drugs.

This movie would be an hour shorter without things like dancing for no reason.

And a cow in the godly bedroom for some reason.

The pint sized feminist is the least likeable character. And the biggest cock block.

And Vulcan throws the Baron in the Augustus Gloop river. It took him five minutes to throw him in. We could easily edit it down to 30 seconds.

This movie got super murdery. And now the Volcano God is like… turned on.

—THEY SURFACE, UPSIDE DOWN, OF COURSE—

They’re near an island. I’m taking bets right now for whether it is ears guy or eyes guy.

It wasn’t an island. It was a giant whale. And… bets are closing.

It’s Monstro from Pinnochio. Killing it with allusions.

There’s a pirate poker game that’s been going on for 20 years. No eating. No drinking. Just poker.

They are all LITERALLY playing games with Death. A metaphor I don’t understand.

Curveball. Eyes AND Ears. And horse.

They’re out of the fish. Because of drugs.

I wish I’d never studied science. I’d like this movie a lot more.

—THEY MAKE IT BACK TO THE WAR AND EVERYONE IS LOSING—

Truly, “Adventures” are a young man’s game.

Very little of this movie makes any sense.

The “guys” are old now. They don’t have powers. Baron is young again because of cartoon physics. Old guys give up. So, the Baron is giving himself up. There. Everyone is caught up.

Negotiating terms of surrender “What about the virgins?” “Please, we are out of virgins.”

The old guys got their powers back! Or they never lost them, or something. Eyes is seeing! Ears is blowing! Horse is jumping!

This movie was the origin of “bullet time” as running guy runs and catches the bullet.

They are filming Legs the same way they film Quick Silver in XMen. This must be every director’s favorite place to get ideas.

The Turks are being defeated. And that is why we don’t have Turks anymore.

The battle is won because of elephants’ well known fear of mice.

The sultan’s tactic has been “hide under this blanket”.

—THE WAR IS WON BY THE VICTORS!—

The poorest town on Earth that has been under siege for years is throwing a damn good impromptu parade.

Bad Napoleon just shot Baron Ringhausen resting his gun on the shoulder of death. A metaphor I don’t understand.

And the Baron is shot, a creepy doctor comes in to save him- but it’s actually Death! And Death pulls out the glowy marble that we all have inside us to add to his collection or something I don’t know.

—WHAT? EVERYTHING HAS BEEN A STORY THE WHOLE TIME—

And then we find out the whole movie was a dream Bob Newhart was having.

“Everyone, who had time for it, lived happily ever after.”

Everyone is back to normal! Horse is still horsing!

The end?

Overall Rating: B+

Comments: This movie was great. I think it’s based on a book and has been made before and this version is about as whimsical as they come. It reminded me of the directing style of Yann Samuel (He did J’eux d’enfants and the Americanized My Sassy Girl) which essentially translates to– this movie is great and no one will ever appreciate it and it is 100% in my wheelhouse. I only gave it a B+ so people didn’t think I was grading it too unfairly.